fuhbh
发表于 2010-5-14 13:51:26
Does excellent academic performance means everything? Obviously my answer to this question would be “No”, since I have seen a host of examples of people doing poor in school but hitting success in life. Bill Gates, the world renowned school dropout, with his Microsoft, makes a perfect example. 我为人人，人人为我+ Q5 a2 g& m) A, h( Y; W
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Primarily, academic achievement at school or college differs from success in adult life . Educational institutions are designed to teach students mainly arts and science, and excellent academic performances do show a person’s ability to absorb and apply what he has been taught through exams. Whereas a successful adult life apparently takes many forms, the life of a wealthy businessman, an elite professional, or even a happy and busy housewife. With such differences, doing great at school does not necessarily make things easier.
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To succeed in adult life a person needs far more than nice-looking school reports, because he will be faced with the unpredictable which knowledge of arts and science cannot help solve. Instead, some qualities such as perseverance, resilience, sociability and the list does not end here, will be quite demanded,… In China there is a talented young man named Han Han who dropped out (actually quitting when he realized he was about to get kicked out) from high school yet still managed to become one of the best selling writers. Lately this Chinese literary bad boy made his way to Time Magazine’s the World’s Most Influential People list.(example 想说明what？）
needless to say, if one wishes to have a successful adult life the most important thing would be for him to acquire qualities that help him cope with the complications in life. This is not to say that academic performances are not demanding though. The point is: Even if a person fails in schooling, he still has a chance to experience life and achieve his life goal.
感觉7分.还是难， 不够多吧。见笑
一车农民
发表于 2010-5-14 22:30:51
我才是让你见笑了，呵呵！
第三段你帮我该的几个句子承接很不错，谢谢！
我回头仔细又读了几遍，感觉我写着写着写偏了。
第一段是观点，然后二三段写why happen，最后一段写什么最重要，缺少了对二三段的总结，感觉不够清晰。
韩寒的例子需要讲他如何凭借非academic performance的quality成功的，可是这个我说不上来，我想我还是删掉的比较好。
字数倒是OK了，内容不丰满。。。
一车农民
发表于 2010-5-15 06:02:22
我的目标是7分，大家继续批啊！置之死地而后生！
wqter
发表于 2010-5-15 10:07:24
茉莉，据我新东方的老师说，如果文章的主旨、论点、论据不能切中要害的话，是拿不到高分的。我感觉你的词汇和语法已经很好了，可能还是思路的问题了。
一车农民
发表于 2010-5-15 10:46:43
小虎，通过大家的点评，加上我自己反复地回头读，我已经悲伤地发现了这一点……
我现在把精力集中在brainstorming上了。
谢谢大家指教！我学习去也，希望能够冲上7分这道坎！
功夫孙
发表于 2010-5-15 20:32:26
我说这篇作文只有5分.
Why?
因为审题不清, 没有扣住题目写.
琐事我来做
发表于 2010-5-15 22:20:01
说点，嗯，个人之见，语法很好，冲击力稍稍欠缺。。。
hjks2100
发表于 2010-5-16 07:16:22
totally agree. examples are important.
nmwisa120s
发表于 2010-5-16 14:52:32
好作文的优点都是一样的，楼主写得不错！