蕙心小筑
发表于 2010-11-30 21:08:20
...rather than... 意思是：...而不是...
是十天作文里的高分词汇，和instead of用法类似，但更高级点。
eg: condemn rather than condone sth. 谴责而不是去容忍...
we should condemn rather than condone deforestation
xnbmjgogp4
发表于 2010-12-1 09:02:48
模式化，喜欢用大词，对新词大词缺乏掌控力。而另一方面基本语法有问题，两者显得不搭。
不是我刺激你，但的确需要加油！
所以楼主还是有很大的提升空间的！
溜达12
发表于 2010-12-1 19:46:37
不好意思,之前因为没太看懂这句话顺手改了. rather than应该可以,但是spend school time的用法需要改.
祝lz取得好成绩
nmwdop749n
发表于 2010-12-2 06:26:39
再提另一点意见，这个隐藏的比较深所以好像很少有人注意到，但是这是个很关键的给分点。题目上说的是travel or work for a period of time before they go to university，而lz阁下的作文里有三个句子/分句：“When a student is enjoying his/her travel or repairing a damaged car, his/her peers are memorising equations in a maths class.” “when they graduate from university, they would not more outstanding than their peers.” 和 “Students can earn the experience of travel or work on their summer vacation and winter vacation rather than spend their school time.” 这三句话都是同时期的打工的学生和入学的学生的比较，给人的感觉是作者认为打工就会导致部分课程的缺席，是“打工而少上学”而非“先打工后上学”。而这是和题目不相符合的。如果考官遇到这样的句子，轻则判为语句有歧义而导致逻辑性失分，重则判为跑题，直接划到5分以下了……所以这个问题专门提出来，希望lz阁下注意
木子映月5
发表于 2010-12-2 07:11:53
看了几回，实在忍不住插几句。如果LZ只追求 6分，请注意 脚步和 眼角方向 一致，不要看点太高而忽略平稳走路的重要性。以下是个人的拙见。
相信LZ 花了很多时间和精力才把这篇文章写出来，并拿到 论坛来 接收评价。可是，文章无意义的套句 套词 太多而又用法不规范，反而影响 “流畅” 感。 结构不严谨，或者说无意义的堆砌句子过多，造成乏味，唐突感。让人觉得缺乏中心，重心，甚至离题。毕竟考试时间有限，如果平时练习就没有真正掌握语言的运用，考场上很难在短时间准确表达，很容易造成所谓的“失准”。
语法/单词先暂时不提，先来看看结构的灵魂： 首段，末尾。
题目是问：“To what extent do you agree”
再看你的首段：
“Educational issue is a never outdated topic of discussion. (与教学有关的issue 多着呢 ？请具体指出什么issue。这是一个空乏的句子，而且用法还不当： topic [ for] discussion. 通常开头最好是单刀直入，哪怕是换个法子，复述题目所叙述的background)
Now, let us focus on whether high-school graduates need tour or work for a period of time before they start their undergraduate days.”
（叙述完background,回到题目本身：问的是你在多少程度上赞成****， 可是你的重点却是： 让咱们来讨论***是否应当。所以我问：你扣题了吗？）
最后一段：究竟你回答了：To what extent do you agree 没有？ 毫无侧重的列举观点让人不知所云。要知道最后一段也是最后给读者/考官留下印象的一段。最重要的是，我无法把你最后一段所列举的观点与文中第二第三句的“潜在”中心 一一对应起来。
关于主干的机构：
第二段第一句话就跟不规则的石头的堆砌物——中心不突出。 没有总结句，让人无法扣住第二段的实际中心。
第三段：“However, their advantages would just stay in which they have experienced, whereafter, they begin reveal their weaknesses. ”又是一句空乏的句子，究竟是什么 advantage 什么 weakness 请用准确的单词明确指出---你可以认为这是显示你词汇掌握的时候了。最后“可能的”总结句“when they graduate from university, they would not more outstanding than their peers”。。Why？究竟会是什么：trouble，terrible things ？ 这次都太空乏了。请明确列出。
最后总结：文章言辞造句太过空范。缺乏中心，缺乏严谨的流畅结构。不扣题。
蕙心小筑
发表于 2010-12-2 12:37:22
一语惊醒梦中人，还有十天要考试了，所以现在每天练两篇一大一小作文。
其实对我来说何谓新词，旧词，大词不是分得很清楚。
我的英文说穿了最后一次在课堂上上课还是在初中，经历了第一鸭的惨痛教训，花了一年时间特地跑回去找老师把还给她的英文能拿多少拿多少回来，然后恶补了近5000词汇量，所以对我来说除了初中以下词汇，其他都算是新词。
现在也许就是练习对这堆新词的反应力和准确度了。
不过通过不断地输出（说和写），我觉得比输入（听和读）更能提升词汇的应用能力。
也许，当我能写出几篇语法错误较少的作文时，我相信应该能扣题了。
很感谢你的批评，让我受益颇多。如果有兴趣的话，能帮我看下跟帖的另一篇作文吗？
蕙心小筑
发表于 2010-12-2 22:57:29
There are more problem with students' behaviour in many countries. What are the causes and what are your solutions?
write at least 250 words
Answer:
It is not uncommonly that some of students severely violate discipline in some countries, even the incidence of juvenile delinquency is increasingly high. In my opinion, some factors probably could cause this phenomenon.
Currently, increasing publication and movies are inundated with violent and pornographic contents, which could lead students to simulate what they have watched. Underage students have not enough ability to control themselves or to know whether it is right or not. Likewise, the domestic violence is the same dangerous "teaching material" to afflict children with frustration, misery and loneliness. As a result of it, children would treated other peers like what they has been seen, even if not so, they would be accompanied by the burden of gloomy childhood memories in their lives.
Therefore, in my view, we could take steps to reduce these phenomenoa to the limit. For the sake of that we necessitate the force not only government but parents to make a concerted effort to improve the current circumstance of children's growth. The authorities could make some strictly legislation against gratuitous violent and pornographic contents to minor, as well as the laws against domestic violence. In terms of household, parents should take more time off for their children and guide rather than punish them when they committed a mischief.
In conclusion, youngster are, by nature, undeveloped、innocent and pure, sometimes they are just the passive receptacles of predigested ideas. It is guidance and care that can lead them to the correct ways. We should give priority to improve the phenomenon because they are our children at present and they are our future as well.
hussau51sf
发表于 2010-12-3 05:11:42
3WU一直是改作文的明星级老师：）。。。建议LZ根据3WU的点评，再把原先那篇作文改改，重新写一下，改自己写过的作文我觉得比不断新写作文效果好。LZ加油，祝你十天后顺利通过哈：）
头越来越大
发表于 2010-12-3 06:17:05
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ocxrjkpw2
发表于 2010-12-3 16:12:44
实在很希望能给你高分做鼓励。可是面对 如此之多的简单语法错误，严重用词不当，逻辑序乱，我实在不忍心给你打高分。要是很走运也许有 5.5-6。毕竟结构还算可以。
不知道你写这么一篇文章要多长时间，建议同一个题目，重新恰时间再写一遍。
你用了很多生僻单词很可惜用法并不怎么恰当，而且往往把该用名词的变动词，该用动词的变名词。
e.g.“It is not uncommonly ” 不绕口么？ 为什么不简单点： It is commonly believed that , 正确与否是用 “tell” 的
“which could lead students to simulate what they have watched.” 原句翻译： XXXX 会导致学生们激发他们所看到的内容。。 修改： which could influence children's negative behaviour。
如果只要求6分，建议踏踏实实地使用 熟练掌握的词汇。
“As a result of it, children would treated other peers like what they has been seen” 后面句子独立。请用句号/分号；
修改：“######### would treat other peers in a way ” they have learned from media”
"they would be accompanied by the burden of gloomy childhood memories in their lives" why? 逻辑问题。
到此，不再一一列举了。建议你自己细心修改---几乎每一个句子都能挑出毛病来（尤其注意你所用的名词，动词）
我觉得你是在不顾一切地堆砌不熟悉的词汇，而不考虑它们的实际用法。想想考官一天要改多少文章？ 突然来一篇每一句都坑坑洼洼，尽是生僻单词而又到处语法错误，思路不符逻辑。 你想考官什么心情？
通常清晰的思路/结构，简单而正确的词句，有逻辑的推理/例证是高分作文最基本的要素。
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