hy0914zm32
发表于 2011-9-17 14:00:56
5.5 - 6.0
m9xhyuut3z
发表于 2011-9-18 01:43:04
给点建议？
小草
发表于 2011-9-18 02:17:47
模板痕迹明显。我觉得还得再来一个长句子好点，但是这长句子必须得是对的，好的，经过老外改过的套句。一家之见。
m9xhyuut3z
发表于 2011-9-18 06:07:10
感谢你的意见，不过我冤呀，我确实没有用模板，但是我参考了十天作文的结构，我看好像套话也不多吧。
Exhauhgog
发表于 2011-9-18 12:52:10
我也在雅思努力的路上，切磋一下，共勉共勉。
你的文章如下，我的意见穿插在其中。纯讨论，本人没有参加过雅思，所以不用考虑我的评论：
Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding change. Others, however, think that change is always a good thing.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
With the rapid development of the society, some people tend to change their job after working at the same position for a period of time, although others prefer to engage the similar issue in their lives. In my point of view, I prefer to live a same life without some changes.
第一段的第一句话，本来需要介绍背景，但是rapid development和后面的东西一点关系都没有，有点牵强。
其次，避免redundant的现象，比如some people tend to change their job for another after a short period，再多有点点过。
再次，engage用法，一般是engage sb in sth，所以句子最好是others prefer to be engaged in issues of the same kind.
最后，冠词用法，i prefer to live the same life without any changes，或者i prefer to live without change.
Living unchanged lives can lead to some positive effects. First, long period of time on working the similar issue can give individuals a chance to become experts of certain areas, such as scientists, doctors and the like. If they could devote themselves entirely to their subjects with their whole lives, success could not be a luxury for them. Second, their families could be benefited from their working conditions, as they can provide their families with steady lives. Their family members do not need to move everywhere, if they can keep on doing the same job. Finally, it can strengthen their willpowers. Doing the same work may be boring and uninteresting; however, if individuals can successfully control their negative feelings, they can get strong minds.
redundant现象，unchanged life can produce positive results. 之前的living可以省略。
第二句，long time fixed focus tends to train people into expert of his field.
benefit前面不用加am/is/are。
Admittedly, changing jobs can obviously get some advantages for them. As everything has its special characters, with changing their status, they can experience different senses from kings of careers. But they would loss their chances to be experts of certain areas. Furthermore, changing there lifestyles may be enjoyable sometimes. As a result, unemployment can possibly meet to them, which could greatly affect their families’ living qualities.
这一段开始错别字有点多，我用红色标注出来。
In conclusion, I prefer to live an unchanged life, even though changes seem such funny and interesting.
such改成so。
m9xhyuut3z
发表于 2011-9-18 16:21:03
受教了，很有收获，很中肯的建议，非常感谢。有些错误的用法我一直都没有发现，而且我倾向于每次作文都用那些最熟悉的单词，
竟然某些用法是错的，我记住了。
汇康灵芝
发表于 2011-9-18 22:00:01
比我写得好，我自己考三次都是6呢，楼主你至少6.5或7
广广广广广
发表于 2011-9-18 23:23:01
谁说没有语法错误 前两段都有 不过我觉得楼主思路挺清晰的 看起来就是很中国人 不过没什么 我觉得6有啦 我没有什么感觉对雅思写作 高中毕业裸考7分 大学毕业复习了考了几次最高6.5 而且我感觉6.5那次应该可以7的 要命的雅思 再次抱怨一下 因为雅思 我从885变485变175 雅思和移民曾经是我最讨厌提起的两件事
主流梦想
发表于 2011-9-19 11:13:25
funny这个小词用得不准确。应该是用作为形容词的fun，表示“有乐趣”的意思。funny是搞笑的意思。loss这个词用得也不对。
总体印象上，“ta们”在文章里被用得过于泛滥，显得不正规和缺乏变化，而且容易引起歧义；表达上有一种比较明显的中文痕迹，不少句子虽然语法上算通了，但是看起来仍然比较生硬。
总之，6分应该还是有希望的。
m9xhyuut3z
发表于 2011-9-19 20:46:57
确实要努力用好每一个词，loss用错了，应该是lose或者miss。
但是我想不出太好的办法替换they，their，你不说不注意，一说的话，通篇都是they。