大作文求批
前天的考试，大作文，不好搞，感觉中文都不好写，写的一塌糊涂，今天重新写了下，希望哪位有空的牛人可以帮俺看看，不胜感激：）<br />
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<strong>In many countries, some people think the punishment of not allowing those students who behave badly to return to schools is the best way to the problem. Other people, believe there are much better solutions to that problem. Discuss both views and give your opinions.</strong><br />
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In order to punish some students who have committed something bad, refusing them to stay in schools is considered as the most effective way by some authorities. Personally, I, like other people, believe there should be some much better substitutive solutions.<br />
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Closing school doors to badly behaving boys and girls for ever, are probably supported by some people basing on two reasons. First of all, compared with other discipline, it can exert a lifelong impact on those students. Students who receive such punishment would probably not take bad action any more, because they have learned the fact that they have do pay for what they had done if they did not obey some rules. Another important reason is a deterring effect would be put on other students who are probably likely to copy bad behaviours; as a result, such punishment would prevent them from becoming followers.<br />
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Other people, however, argue that there exist other solutions that can discipline delinquents without dooming their educating lives. Community work, for example, has been taken by many countries and has received wonderful effects, because it can penalise those students to some extent and does not disable their roads to the schools entirely. Suspension, also, can function as effectively as community work does. After being isolated from schools for a certain time, children are more likely able to cherish the chance of staying in the schools and conduct properly.<br />
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In conclusion, I think the students who do harm to others should deserve some types of punishment and we cannot forget to leave chances for them. The punishment is just a kind of education methods for students, so it cannot cut off the road to their education when functioning.
第二段的举例完全没有说服力。
我也是菜鸟。
个人感觉从句有些问题，还有不少中式英语的写法。
不对之处请见谅
能不能详细点呢？楼上两位tx
我觉得你好像更支持不让人上学这个法子。写的不错，至少挺连贯的。
Task Response 6 ~ 6.5
Coherence and Cohesion 6
Lexical Resource 6
Grammatical Range and Accuracy 6 ~ 6.5
overall 6 ~ 6.5
谢谢楼上各位点评的tx，第三段的确是偏弱了，不过这个话题对我来说真不好写，考试的时候，我竟然想不出一个更好的理由来，，，，
我觉得那段备考的日子真是煎熬啊。。。终于熬过来了~
花了点时间批了一下，见附件。
毕竟不是专业的，不恰当之处请多包涵。
17.41 KB, 下载次数: 19
LZ绝对是有7分实力的，语句木有让人看着不舒服和困扰的地方，但是第二段感觉比第三段更有说服力，显得第三段变成第二段的一个补充了。第二段里面可以加上作者自己的观点，表明自己为什么不认同这种做法。
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