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标题: 大作文求改(目标6分)劳驾各位高手了 [打印本页]

作者: c1xt6x59    时间: 2010-8-31 11:40
标题: 大作文求改(目标6分)劳驾各位高手了


Some people think that watching TV programmes can help children’s development while others disagree. What is your opinion?<br />
<br />
Recently, TV programmes play an increasingly crucial role in people's daily life. It is generally accepted that children may benifit from watching TV while others just hold the opposite viewpoint. This is an interesting topic worth discussing.<br />
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There is no denying that TV programmes sometimes bring a range of benifits to people, including children. For one thing, up-to-date information is delivered to people which is benificial to children's development. Children tend to learn much more knowledge and acquire new skills after school by watching TV. For another, some TV shows enrich people's life. Adequate recreation is likely to stimulate children to study more diligently since all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.<br />
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In the same time, however, watching too much TV can bring some harm to children as well. To begin with, children's imagination would be restricted if they were addicted to TV programmes. The greatest danger in modern technology is not that machines begin to think like people, but that people will begin to think like machines. Furthermore, it must be noted that watching TV can probly distract children's attention from their studies. Many students who spend too much time on watching TV have shown a decline in their studies. To make one final point, some TV programmes may even harm children's development as they have no ability to ditinguish goodness and badness.<br />
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From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that watching TV appropriately may bring positive influence to children while watching too much TV can bring negative influence to children.




作者: 和平看客    时间: 2010-8-31 23:20


Recently, TV programmes play an increasingly crucial role in people's daily life.
第一句感觉不大好哎,电视应该play an crucial role in people's daily life for蛮长时间了吧,近期也没有什么特别。是不是可以说:TV programmes has played an crucial role in people's daily life for a long time worldwildly.



作者: tuerosid    时间: 2010-9-1 10:22


俺非高手
第一句基本起平分就给你拉到5分了,是常识错误。



作者: tbhy6131    时间: 2010-9-1 15:02


我觉得 虽然watching TV是人们离不开的一个生活元素
文章也以此为题
但是说increasingly crucial
有点夸张了
感觉很像是为了crucial这个词 或者这个句型
把看电视硬套进去的

既然你打算写倾向性双边,那么我的建议如下,

1 字数偏少 260以内,写在卷子上可能第二页盖不满一大半

2 Main body第一段 For one thing,和or another,两点内容感觉很难区分,都是看电视学到知识类似的观点。我打算写1,看电视作为一种休闲和学习的手段,有着简单便利的特点。2,适当的节目给孩子以丰富的知识,例子。

3 像机器一样思考感觉有点奇怪。关于看电视给孩子的弊端有很多。1 看电视花费时间很多,孩子将很少进行室外运动和锻炼,给出论据。类似的观点还可以写看电视时间增多影响家庭成员间的交流,减少了父母对孩子的正面引导 2 不是所有电视节目都适合孩子观看,有一些甚至对孩子有害,例子(这一点类似于你的第三点,但是你没写出一个有力的论点)这一点可以展开很多,不良的电视和广告对孩子的负向引导等等。3 可以写你的第二点 影响学习。此外还可以考虑简单写点看电视本身对孩子健康的影响啦之类的,不展开了。

4 结尾段太单薄,除了明确自己的观点,最好还能有建议部分。结合上面论述,可以说,适当的管理不同的电视节目,使之适合孩子。家长对孩子看电视的指导和辅助,全社会对好的节目的鼓励。

总的感觉论证不太充分,每个论点下面都应该有明确的论据。你有的论点写出来下面没话了,或者论点本身其实写的是论据。

我也不是高手
午饭过后老板不在
可以多打点字



作者: uwbvj40255    时间: 2010-9-1 23:23


opinion不太清晰,6分比较困难。题目要求what's your opinion,作文写的是别人的观点,有偏题嫌疑。写这种题最好在开头就写“我认为怎么样”,然后推理引证。



作者: sd76hujoyc    时间: 2010-9-2 01:24




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