<strong>Schools should teach children some academic subjects which will be beneficial to their future careers. Therefor, other subjects such as music and sports are not important. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?<br />
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Nowadays, the public became to focus on children's education in schools. Some people think academic subjects are more important than other subjects(e.g. , music, sports) because they are play a important role in children's future careers. Personally, I agree with this opinion and I propose that the status of academic subjects should be enhanced with two reasons. <br />
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Firstly, the purpose of parents sending child to school is a good future especially a good job. So the lessons in schools should related to the requirement of labor market. Apparently, the country need more engineers and workers than sport stars and singers. Therefor, schools should set more academic subjects to meet the social demand. <br />
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Secondly, the fund for education is limited in many countries. The expenditure for sports and music facilities are always expensive. More money spent on other subjects will lead to decrease investment on academic subjects. As a result, students have less chance to learn more knowledge , which is really beneficial to their future careers. That is why I insist the significant position of main subjects should be established.<br />
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Admittedly, studying in school is very boring, sports and music can relax students' bodies and ease their mind. However, if students cannot bear such life in school, how can they survive in society when they meet real trouble in future ?<br />
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In summary, compared to academic subjects, other subjects are the suppplement, which act a subordinate role in all subjects. Schools should concentrate on the subjects which will help their students to achieve a good future.
咪咪加油，这篇结构感觉不错。
我觉得你写完后可以检查一遍，避免一些粗心造成的失误。
比如：
because they are play a important role 。。。
So the lessons in schools should related to 。。。
the country need。。。
除了上面说的思路问题以外，剩下的就是严重的语法问题。平时要注意句子里有多少个动词（谓语）。因为那是经常容易犯的低级语法错误。议论文一般不要用将来时。
给你列出错误的句子，还有提示 number of errors，自己试着修改一下：
Nowadays, the public became to focus on children's education in schools. (1)
Some people think academic subjects are more important than other subjects(e.g. , music, sports) because they are play a important role in children's future careers. ( 1 grammar, 1 搭配对象错误)
Firstly, the purpose of parents sending child to school is a good future especially a good job. （1 搭配对象错误）
So the lessons in schools should related to the requirement of labor market. (1 grammar)
More money spent on other subjects will lead to decrease investment on academic subjects. （1 时态, 1 词性）-议论文一般不用将来时，可是你好几篇文章都用错时态。
That is why I insist the significant position of main subjects should be established. （establish position? 什么职位？）
Admittedly, studying in school is very boring, sports and music can relax students' bodies and ease their mind. （2 找一下句号该放哪里。。。。bodies 有尸体的意思，也有物理上身体的概念，可没有身心的意思。。考虑一下psychology， physiology, EQ, IQ 这类词）
In summary, compared to academic subjects, other subjects are the suppplement, which act a subordinate role in all subjects. （1 定于从句中差了一个连接词（conj），或者动词搭配错误， role 通常配 play..）
Schools should concentrate on the subjects which will help their students to achieve a good future. （1 时态）