a. “ successful in later life” 为了增加流畅感，建议 改成“successful in their later life””
b. "What is behind this phenomenon" 感觉很中文，而且缺谓语 , how about : What may contribute to this phenomenon?
c. “In my view, brilliant academic performance is but one of the several factors for a success life as listed below. ”
how about 更地道点: from my point of view / in my opinion (这个用法本身没错)
how about 更强调点 使用 is but only one of *** (这个用法本身没错)
a success life =〉(词性) one's success career
e. 第二段第一句： 感觉句子 失重。建议重新调整位置或者句式。还有：in the real world => in real world
f. curriculum transcripts fail to present =>curriculum transcripts are failed to present
g. a lesser man 通常指 moral 上 欠缺的人。 in later life 重复使用了。
as child psychologists has pointed out, “education is very often restraining one’s potentials”. 独立句子请句号分开。
插入語過多, 文章很散, 尤其是非限制性定語從句(b)我不太能看出第三段你要表達什麼意思. 你想說”決心”對於成功的作用嗎? 還是實際做事能力對成功的重要性? (a)...a student scoring A in every course might just be one that has properly managed the skills to pass the exams with high marks; and a poor student, one that has not...分號前面句的主句是a student might be, 後面那句省略得讓人無法猜測. 還有, 看上去很口語化.(b)
Whereas the real world does not rotate around examinations, whereas 根據字典的意思和我的經驗來說,不是這麼用的. 這裡的意思是轉折, 而whereas/while轉折的時候都在句中. however會比較好.(d)
with which one willing to take the pains could be rewarded with the gains. 從認為現實世界更多地注重人的工作能力到”no pain no gain”. 這裡是不是有點亂?(b). 還有這句子語法結構不清, 沒把握的情況下慎用長句(d).
Good scores in school is no guarantee of sure suitable employment and thereafter admirable career. 怎麼感覺這句應該去上一段. (a)
In the real world, uncertainty often rules the young adults’ quest for success. 看著這個often我的心拔涼拔涼滴(kidding). rule跟quest的搭配不合適吧? 不信你google “rule quest”. quest和success搭配也不是很常用, 雖然有一本書的名字叫quest for success. (c)
to gain which, possession of individual qualities such as adaptability and determination, and a well-receiving society are indispensable, 建議另起一句, 鏈接得太牽強了.(b,d)
作者: 风陪着风筝 时间: 2010-12-9 13:47
Matt，非常感谢，你看得很细致，而且在段落布排和论据方面也did a lot of thinking。受教了！
作者: 风陪着风筝 时间: 2010-12-9 18:39
顶起来，求批改，多谢
作者: 天使宝贝彤彤 时间: 2010-12-10 01:56
专门来崇拜传说中的高人的……
只有一个马路知识，供参考：听说鬼佬的“Last but not least”一般用在很口语化的场合，也不知道formal文体用这个合适不，请知道的同志也嚷一声
作者: hy09163w5t 时间: 2010-12-10 03:58
Poor students in school are not denied chances to achievements, thanksto the fact that academic performance is not the decisive factor for asuccessful adult life. In fact the list of contributing factors goes onand on, with qualities often irrelevant to academic transcripts, suchas good working skills and interpersonal relations skills, andendurance to pressure and frustration.
12. 第二句其实应改成从句,这样结构上会没有那么松散, 譬如: In fact, to attain a successful adult life, a person's qualities, which are rarely reflected through one's academic results, must not be ignored. 另外,由于下文没有讨论列出的skills,所以删去.
Primarily, the definition of so-called good and poor students ismisleading. The only piece of criteria seems to be students’ testscores, which is by no means genuine reflection of personal abilities.Those who become artists, scientists or politicians could all be thepoor students in school. Even Thomas Edison was regarded by his teacheras “intellectually handicapped”.
1.没有呼应开头段,就一下子跳到好差学生的讨论,段与段间承接出现断裂.
2.删 so-called, 太过口语化.
3.poor students,LZ到底是想讲贫困生,还是讲成绩不好的学生?从文段上猜应为后者吧.
4. piece of criteria --> criterion, criteria 为criterion的复数形式
5. be 后加the
6. 第二句从句用得不错,稍微调整一下即可,如: At school, it seems that the only criterion on judging a student's ability is his or her test scores, which by no means can genuiely reflect the student's true ability.
Even if the theory of discriminating good students from poor onesstands, it is undeniable that poor students enjoy certain helpfultraits which good students lack. For instance, they tend to expect lessand would be more willing to “start low”, thus open to moreopportunities. Also, since they have had the experience of gettinglower scores in school, they would usually be more resilient topressure and frustrations in work. Good students, on the other hand,often too used to compliments, could find it hard to lower theirexpectations or cope with adverse situations.
11. On the other hand ,提到句头, good students 与 compliments那部分用从句合在一起, or --> and
Last but not least, the distinct differences between school life andadult life mean that students start on the same ground again when theygraduate and commence adult lives. In most societies where education isexamination-oriented, school serves as a place for children to betaught science and arts related subjects, such as math, chemistry, andpainting etc.; while adult life centers on work and social activities.Needless to say there is little overlap between the two, therefore theadvantage of good students fade in adult life, where working skills andinterpersonal relations skills are vital.
1. 开头段没有清晰地阐明观点, 上面两段的论证没有连接好, 到了这一段文章的结构就更散了.
2. Last but not least ---> Last but not the least
As it is apparent, those more likely to succeed in their adult livesare ones that are strong enough to overcome setbacks and develop goodworking skills and interpersonal relations skills, regardless of theirscores in school.
1.此段为结尾总结,所以用词上要体现此为总结段, as it is apparent 没有这个效果.