Some people feel that entertainers(e.g.film stars,pop musiciansor sports stars) are paid too much money.
Do you agree or disagree?
Which other types of job should be highly paid?
In current society, it is a well-know fact that celebrities are popular with many people.But in the meantime, heated debate has been going on about whether the entertainers should be pay such a tremendous amount of money. I tend to believe that entertainers’ booming income is unjustified.
It is evidently reasonable for some to argue that the celebrities should not be pay so much money. To start with, there is negative influence on younger generation. Since the entertainers are earning high, a host of youngsters intend to become superstars in their future, namely, try to reap without sowing. Consequently, teen-agers will not have a determination to work hard in their academic studies, which makes them loose marketable skills and social values. Furthermore, a great deal of money probably brings problems to the celebrities. Actually, so weathly are the stars that they can get anything that they desire. As a result, a vast number of celebrities pursue a life of luxury and dissipation and even become addicted to drugs and alcohol. Lastly, it creates adverse affect on fans that following the stars. We are all agree that the superstars always wear expensive clothings and use luxurious articles as they recive huge payment, while some individuals, who are the fans of the superstars, will tend to follow the fashion blindly and buy luxuries even if they cannot afford them, which leads cheats and crime.
There are still many other reasons to support my view that entertainers are over paid. But with the above discussions, it would be safe enough for us to conclude that it would be well-advised to narrow the income gap between the entertainers and the layfolks rather than widening it. I would like to suggest that the authorities should give other contributory groups more economic impetus like the scientists or doctors who contribute to the society development and people’s health rather than these beauties without brains.
作者: 狗狗走天呀 时间: 2011-3-11 16:32
先不怕挨砖的说一声，的确还有很多改进之处～～～
结构上，头尾尚可，肚子太大，建议将中段再细分一下
句型上，模板痕迹有点太重。长句太多，没有节奏感。有的句子头重脚轻。
语法上，be pay--------------be paid， are all agree-----------all agree
审题上，Which other types of job should be highly paid? 和Do you agree or disagree?都是你要回答的，厚此薄彼没问题，但要有个度哇，在末尾一笔带过显然不是个好办法喔。
立意上，将演艺人士定义为reap without sowing， these beauties without brains有歧视之嫌，对你的分数很有可能不利（有没有想过考官再客观，也是人，没准他/她就是个追星族？），建议尽量采用客观的态度，避免类似的人参公鸡。我们讨论的重点是too much money。
中文痕迹有点重：In current society,There are still many other reasons to support my view ，But with the above discussions。。。
这些东西不太用di～～～而且“There are still many other reasons to support my view ”还带来负面效应。。。你在凑数字，并且拿考官开涮。有理说理，不要丢一句“别人还有很多观点云云。。。”，别人的观点都是浮云跟你这个大作没有关系，尤其你也没有对此展开说明。
对策：看范文，找这种表达方法，如果你一定要表达这种中式概念的话。
基本语法错误：We are all agree 动词叠加；should be pay 分词形式；are earning high择词不当；Actually, so weathly are the stars that 语气、思路的变化让人困惑。。。