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标题: 每日一篇writing,求批改 [打印本页]

作者: 王者归来后    时间: 2011-3-2 16:22
标题: 每日一篇writing,求批改


题目是自己找的,先找了容易写的上手。<br />
<br />
题目--是否应该学习英语<br />
<br />
To learn or not to learn a foreign language is not a question because the answer of course is “yes”<br />
Everybody lives on the world could have already felt that the world now is becoming smaller than before.&nbsp;&nbsp;A lot of western companies have already opened the plants and offices in China while the world economic globalization.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br />
The majority of these companies’ management is at least good at English and the software or mail systems are in English version.&nbsp;&nbsp;As one employee in such a company, you have to master English well.&nbsp;&nbsp;Otherwise, how could you take over the technical issue, how could you reply to your manager or how could you express your personal opinion? <br />
Language is one communication tools in this situation. It is definitely have to be learn, the only question is how well that you could use it. On another side, to learn one language is also one method to learn or observe the outside world.&nbsp;&nbsp;You could be familiar with the living and habit of the country that use the language you are learning.&nbsp;&nbsp;And it would be helpful for you when you contact with your foreign colleague or manager.<br />
No matter what, the foreign is at least one skill for you. The more you learn, the better for yourself.




作者: 王者归来后    时间: 2011-3-2 23:22


写信给博物馆,说丢了一个包。

编故事也是一种能力,向某些狗血编剧致敬!

Dear Madam or Sir,

&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;I am Jane M. and I have visited your museum yesterday afternoon and enjoyed happy hours.&nbsp;&nbsp;I took shopping on yesterday morning, so I took the shopping bag with me during the whole visiting.&nbsp;&nbsp;And I have to say sorry for my careless that I left the bag under the table in the lavatory.&nbsp;&nbsp;At that time I was washing my daughter’s hand because she was not tall enough to reach the tap.&nbsp;&nbsp;After that, I forgot to pick up the bag.
&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;It is a Barbie Girl in the shopping bag, and it would be the birthday gift for my daughter. She has been eager for this since last year. So is it convenient of you to help me check that my shopping bag is still over there or not.&nbsp;&nbsp;
&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Thank you for your nice supporting and hope your reply soon

Your Sincerely&nbsp;&nbsp;
J M

[]



作者: slfr7918    时间: 2011-3-3 05:02


首先,两篇文章的字数都不够,这是要背严重扣分的。
大作文字数在250以上,小作文是150。因为有时候作文中用到的字或词组会被认为无效单词,所以一般保守要写到270和170字左右。
例如very beautiful,中very可能会不被例入计算,因为beautiful本身就含有very的意思。还有文章中如果有和文章无关的句子也会被去掉。

小作文说真的很难,个人感觉比大作文还难,因为涵盖面实在太广,由于对英国文化缺少足够的了解,所以编出来的故事也走样,再说编故事还要有词汇量做基础,万一让你写封信抱怨你买的汽车、冰箱、空调甚至保险有问题,试想要准备多少相关的知识。。。
在短短20分钟里的确很难做到。

个人感觉雅思A类的小作文容易写得多。就是机械性的描述数字,顶多动点脑子想想关联内容,掌握了一点词汇就可以写得很好。强烈推荐。

看了你的大作文,说实话,改作文我不太在行,但感觉不像是学术性的文章。结构也比较混乱。建议多看看考官的范文,尝试去模仿。
学术性作文不会出现you,we,在表达自己观点是可以用I,前面加personally,提建议或者敏感话题尽量用语气弱化,might,would,could
文章中的段,意义要划分明确,最后一段总结时不要出现新的内容。



作者: 王者归来后    时间: 2011-3-3 12:17


thank a lot!

I am also feel there are some problems with my writing.&nbsp;&nbsp;

Firstly, it is how to extend the material that make the writing long enough.&nbsp;&nbsp;In frank, it is difficult for me to organize words and sentence in Chinese becasue everything should be imagine by myself.

And for the longer writing,I still treat it as a longer writing.&nbsp;&nbsp;The core meaning for this wirting, in my opinion, is one kind of article with point of view and enough evidence to support arguement . It is also quite strange for me.

What I have writed should be too plain and simle to be called as article.&nbsp;&nbsp;I am also involved too much personal emotion.

I hope the more pratise could help find my shortage and improve in limited time.

[]



作者: 46gyhuhjh6    时间: 2011-3-3 22:09


Dear Madam or Sir,

&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;I am Jane M. and I have visited (表示一般过去,不要用完成时--have去掉)your museum yesterday afternoon and enjoyed happy hours.&nbsp;&nbsp;I took shopping on yesterday morning, so I took the shopping bag with me during the whole visiting.(1 两个took显得用词比较紧,可以说went shopping和I am with the shopping bag during visiting; 2 so 有点低端了,可以尝试高级点的词汇)And I have to say sorry for my careless that I left the bag under the table in the lavatory. (1 And没有意义,可以去掉; 2 careless是形容词,你要加个名词在后面,比如behavior) At that time I was washing my daughter’s hand because she was not tall enough to reach the tap.(1 washing好像很残忍……用cleaning好像好点,这个我不确定……; 2 is)&nbsp;&nbsp;After that, I forgot to pick up the bag.(最好加上when leaving)
&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;It is a Barbie Girl in the shopping bag, and it would be the birthday gift for my daughter. (1 最好告诉别人你开始描述bag的特征;2 There be句型;3 would be不够确定,这个是个肯定的事实,用it is就好,而且最好把其重要性写出来。)She has been eager for this since last year. (听起来很奇怪,She expected this gift for a long time, blabla...)So is it convenient of you to help me check that my shopping bag is still over there or not.&nbsp;&nbsp;(最后一句很别扭……建议你重写。供你参考:It would be really appreciated if you can help to check whether my bag is still there and return to me if it is.最好再加上如何取包或者寄包的信息)
&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Thank you for your nice supporting and hope your reply soon

Your Sincerely&nbsp;&nbsp;
J M



作者: 9m5y6ke44    时间: 2011-3-4 04:16


LZ……看了你的大作文之后……我也跟3L一样建议你先看下范文……



作者: 王者归来后    时间: 2011-3-4 05:52


高人一出手,就知有没有啊!!范文看也看过,就是还没有看进去。所以写出来的还是自己的一套东西
这个比so 高级的,我用therefore 可不可以啊??

The last sentence is really much more smooth&nbsp;&nbsp;than which is done by meself.



作者: 王者归来后    时间: 2011-3-4 06:34


写信给朋友介绍新城市新学校。

Dear Jessie,

&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;How are you now? What time is it when you are reading this letter?
&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;It’s already midnight and I am still feeling so exciting because it is my first day stay in Sydney. I just left the airport 2 hours ago, and I am so lucky that I met my high school classmate on the air. Her husband picked up at the Sydney airport, therefore, I was invited to take their car to the hotel.&nbsp;&nbsp;They immigrated here 3 years ago and already owned house and car in the downtown. They gave me a lot of information about living, working, education and so on.
&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;Here now it is summer, so hot. As you know, Australia is on the south hemisphere, so the season here is on contrary of which in China. Fortunately I prepared the right clothes, therefore, don’t worry about me any more.
&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;Tomorrow I will go to the language school for enrollment. This school is recommended by the agency and it is also quite well-known in the immigrant BBS. I think it would be a good choice. I hope that I could have a good beginning just as what you always said “a good beginning means a good ending.”
&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;Now I feel sleepy, so say goodbye to you.&nbsp;&nbsp;Please take my regards to your family, too.

Your Sincerely,
Jane M

[]



作者: q5jhyuuj1l    时间: 2011-3-4 16:21


批改小作文建议最好贴完整的题目要求出来,因为G类小作文除了task response实在想不出有啥容易犯大错的地方,扣分扣多了八成都是题目要求哪一项没有覆盖进去。

书信是很容易的,比大作文容易很多。因为题目3条要求基本就列好了提纲,看清楚想跑也跑不到哪里去,然后日常书信也完全不需要起承转合,长句大词,把事儿说明白,注意下礼貌就行。至于生活场景,其实题目无非就是丢东西,迟到,请假,感谢之类,就算没出过国也大都是些身边常见的琐事,十之七八可能还是亲身经历过的(顶多换个地点,比如从筒子楼换到合租屋 ),所以也没太大必要刻意去编。

G类小作文都很少有人整理范文,其实也是这个道理。作文练习大作文还是大头。



作者: 王者归来后    时间: 2011-3-4 21:00


原来如此啊。

小作文感觉比较生活化一点,比较好上手。今天编剧做得就比昨天省力。 晚上看看弄个大作文的做做。感觉要回到高考写议论去了,当年咋写的呢??



作者: 三国恋    时间: 2011-3-5 08:33






作者: 王者归来后    时间: 2011-3-5 10:26


Some people believe that the charity organisations should give aid to those in greatest need,wherever they live. Some people believe that the charity organisations would better concentrate on helping people who live in own country instead. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There are 2 charity opinions in the society: to give the aid to those in greatest need whenever the live or to helping the people who live in own country prefer.
China Is still a developing country, and there are still a lot poor economic area in the western part while there are some metropolis located in eastern area, such as Shanghai, Beijing,. It is true that some countries may be much more poor developed and the people lived there really need some improvement. But only the support from the charity organizations is not enough for them to fully improving the whole society. What these countries should be done is developing their countries by themselves, such as strengthen the economy, apply the compulsory education to the children, make welfare system for the retired person,&nbsp;&nbsp;The aid from charity organisitons could solve some emergency case, but it worthless for the country long-tem devolpment.
Look back to China again that there are so many area could be supported. Some countrysides are lack of the primary education, some residents on the hill are lack of clean water supplier, and some areas far from city are lack of the hospital. These kind situation are more clear for us, and the communication would be more easier for the charity organizations. It would be have much influence for our country when the poor area improved.
I am really prefer that all the support should be given to our country, because our country is still not stronger enough for distribute too much source to the others. And further more, the more support would be given to the other, when our country grow up.&nbsp;&nbsp;There is a saying: take care my parents as well as the other’s .&nbsp;&nbsp;Therefore, it is clear that the most important is which near to you. The world would be improved a lot while all the support given to own country by every country.



作者: keapmwldz    时间: 2011-3-5 12:55


首先,你的齐头式应该每段之间空一行;我咋眼一看还以为你整篇文章只写了一段。。。。
楼主你的用词的合适性和语法问题我觉得还真是比较多的。。而且表达方式真的是非常的中式化,写作思路也非常有问题,结构也很不清晰,我个人觉得楼主还需要大大的加强not only in terms of grammar and vocabulary, but also in logical structure!!



作者: 许仙与白苏贞    时间: 2011-3-5 22:14


楼主在文章中使用的是中国为例子,这个是非常不对的,因为你必须从你自己的角度说出自己的观点,不能因为你是中国人,不能根据中国的国情来说你的观点。如果你认为慈善机构应该重点帮助自己国家人民的话,就给出理由,理由可以说1.国家人民会感激本国政府或机构帮助,可以提高提高这些机构在本国人民中的知名度并可能因此获得更多的社会各级的支持;2.重点关注本国人民还能帮助本国政府解决一部分的经济问题以及关心一些政府暂时还未关注到的弱势人群,可以减轻一些本国政府的负担。
由于题目说Discuss both views and give your opinion。所以还必须写到另外那个观点。
先说理由(让步):慈善组织帮助世界任何地点那些最需要帮助的人可以为那些组织所属国带来国际舆论的赞扬,还可以提高和世界各国慈善组织的互动(就是互相帮助),但是(必须反驳):应该先关注国内人民的困难;理由:如果连国内人民都生活在水生火热之中的话还谈什么帮助其他国家的人啊。
最后结尾再重申下自己的观点。



作者: 王者归来后    时间: 2011-3-6 03:24


说实话,我写的时候,脑袋里就一个字, 蹙!
一边写一边说自己, 哪能噶~~~蹙,从头蹙到底。



作者: hshsh99    时间: 2011-3-6 03:48


你多看看范文,最好能背一些范文,顺便问下,楼主你要多少成绩??



作者: 一生爱宠物001    时间: 2011-3-6 13:54


该说的问题楼上都说了,不切题(漏了一半),中式思维,逻辑不清,用词错误等等。
不过拿China做例子是没有问题的,我考试的时候就说了一堆China...
LZ的问题是这个China跳出来太突兀,本来是个没有地方色彩的话题好像默认就是在谈中国一样,前面来一句For example in my country China,... 都会好很多
换句话说就是,第一段和第二段之间没有明确的连接词,又没有自然的逻辑过度,这种在连贯性上会丢很多分
至于思路的问题,我觉得很多时候作文写不好,不是因为英语不好,就是用母语思考这个话题,也未必真的考虑清楚了。



作者: i8ze2s60    时间: 2011-3-6 18:07


哇!!7分的作文成绩耶,LS的真是高手~~:  



作者: Nawncreesse    时间: 2011-3-7 03:47


本来想帮LZ改的,但是发现LZ还没有意识到怎么写好大作文。。。

如果是中文会怎么写呢?

开头第一段: 把题目换个方式表达一遍。注意一定要换方式,不能照抄原文。

第二第三段:题目问你是捐钱给最需要的人好,还是捐给自己国家的人好。LZ基本上属于完全跑题的。。。就算你要说we should donate to China, 也要首先阐明China确实是最需要的国家。

建议:第二段先表观点,From my own point of view, the donation should go to those who need it most. 然后一层两层三层堆例子和进一步观点

第三段就可以承接下来,说When mentioning the poorest country in the world, most of the times we think of countries in Africa. I admit that their living standards are low on average. But talking about the people who suffer the most, there is no doubt that those people are in China.
这样一来就可以比较自然的讲LZ顺手的China了。然后就可以进一步讲大家应该donate到中国。

第四段结尾就可以简洁明了了: In summary, I personally am for the opinion that charity donations need to go to the needy, wherever they reside. A heart filled with love and willing to assist should never be restrained by the country border. Furthermore, as I have depicted the current situation in China above, we should add China to the most-needy list, and call for help around the world.

随便涂了几笔,希望对LZ有帮助。最后提醒,雅思要多举例子使行文充实,编出来的例子也可以,多多益善。



作者: 王者归来后    时间: 2011-3-7 12:11


Everyone should stay in school until they reach the age of 18. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Somebody think the all the person should stay in school until 18 years old. It is really a good suggestion to help the education. The age before 18 is the best period in everyone’s life, young, vigorous and fast learning, even if there are some complaints for heavy homework during learning.

The young students could acquire sufficient knowledge in the school which would be used in the future work and life.&nbsp;&nbsp;The primary knowledge is the cornerstone of everything, and it decides the average education level of the whole society which would lead to the science and technology development.

In the past, a lot of students were so poor that could not continue their leaning that go to work when teenage. At that time, the work offered did not have too much high requirement, just basic mathematics and reading.&nbsp;&nbsp;But now, the rapid development of science and technology, it is general for an operator knew a lot of major knowledge.&nbsp;&nbsp;The young winder in my owner company, are the student who know reading drawing, the theory of the machine running process and the production quality requirement, Otherwise,the worker could not get the job.

And then,the education is more emphasized, therefore, it is looked as one criterion that the student is more smart and excellent if he takes more education. The students are considered to be lack of wisdom while they try to find a job. It is not fully right but it is already a social phenomenon which could not be revised in short time. So it should be better for the students take 18years.

In conclusion, the education pay the key role on one person life, the more he learn from school, the better he job and life he could gain.



作者: 王者归来后    时间: 2011-3-7 18:27


有人说应该在学校里给年轻人设置如何做好家长的课程,发表意见
Some people think the lesson shall be set up in the school, which shall teach the young people how to be good parents. I am not sure that the young people are already old enough to acquire the meaning of parent.

While the society developing, more and more children are the only child in the family, who abstracts the most attention by his elders.&nbsp;&nbsp;The parents are like to give the better education opportunity to them. It shall spend more time for the young people to learn the skills, technology, and knowledge in the school. Therefore, they would go to work later than before. And then, after several years working, it would be the time to marry and have a child.&nbsp;&nbsp;This phenomenon is quite generally.

According to above reason, the lesson of how to be good parents may be not instructive in the school, because the teenage is still too early to learn the lesson. Everything would be forgot when the youth grow up even if the lesson were given to the youth. It is much better to give the lesson to the young couple who prepare to have a baby. At that time, the lesson would be more useful and helpful .

To my opinion, the best lesson could be learn is not in the school, but it is from their own parents, who impact the whole personality and characteristic of young people. The success and failure of to be parents are obviously found. The advantage of parents shall be followed by the young and the faults shall be improved.&nbsp;&nbsp;It is the best sample of how to be good parents.

In conclusion, I prefer to give the time to the other lessons rather than the lesson of how to be good parents. It is would be better for them to take such a lesson when the young people grow up and stand by.&nbsp;&nbsp;In the meanwhile, their own parents are the best teacher who would be learn from in all life.

[]



作者: 王者归来后    时间: 2011-3-7 18:48


10.02.06
Air travel can only benefit the richest people in the world. Ordinary people can get no advantage with the development of air travel. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is one opinion that the air travel is only the method that the richest people can benefit and the ordinary can not get any advantage with the development of air travel. This point could not reflect the truth of the reality from my view.

Frankly, the air travel was only enjoyed by the richest people when the early period of the development.&nbsp;&nbsp;Shipping and railway were more welcomed by the ordinary even it took more time on the way because the cost was unexpensive and not too much person al limitation.&nbsp;&nbsp;It was true in China in 1970th that to buy an air ticket with a reference letter form company or police office.&nbsp;&nbsp;Even though, the price was still exceed the ordinary people could sustain because it would take one person several month salaried.&nbsp;&nbsp;

However, the phenomenon was changed while the development of technology and society. The ticket cost now only takes small proportion to the personal incoming when the ordinary people earning updated. The airline company also often applies lots of promotions to abstract more customers because of the competition. At the same time, people are much busier than before, so that they have to fully utilize their time. Therefore, the ordinary people now are more willing to choose the air if taking a long journey because the more time could be enjoyed on the destination.&nbsp;&nbsp;

It is true that the air travel advantage now is more widely taken by people, whatever he is richest or ordinary.&nbsp;&nbsp;Everybody can enjoy the convenience of air travel in equal now. Therefore, I will make a conclusion that it is out of time that only the richest can enjoy the air travel.



作者: 王者归来后    时间: 2011-3-8 00:42


help

前面看到一个题目
Many people believe that today there is a general increase in anti-social behaviour and lack of respect for others. What might have caused this situation? How to improve it?

我一看吓一跳 anti-social behaviour&nbsp;&nbsp;,这个算是啥行为啊,写过的同学给点提示啊,该怎么写啊。

我上百度搜了一下个anti-social behaviour 。
反社会行为(ASBO)反社会行为的定义非常广泛,在英国法律上来说任何活动造成或可能对别人或者别人的家庭造成骚扰或惊恐或困扰的行为都叫做反社会行为。

希望自己考试的时候不要碰上这么变态的题目。阿门!!



作者: 许仙与白素贞    时间: 2011-3-8 08:19


楼住
适当的扩大知识面
对于任何考试都是有帮助的

但是雅思作文不是主要考谁知道的多
那如果考个互联网相关的
文科学生就一定比理科学生写的差么

作文的最主要目的
字字句句都是告诉改卷的人
我会英语 我会用英语 我会用英语写出能让人看懂的东西

所以百度每一个话题 来找思路
这么做很对
但是不完善

如果你完全没有头绪
那我只能给Pat做广告了
去买本十天作文
里面有一些想思路的捷径

虽然我觉得这个治标不治本
但是对于短期应付考试
还是很有帮助的



作者: 王者归来后    时间: 2011-3-8 18:47


Some people think paying taxes is a big enough contribution to their society, while others think people have more responsibilities as members of society than only paying taxes. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

There are 2 ways to contribute to the society, paying taxes or taking more responsibilities. Both of these 2 ways are supported by the different groups.

In my opinion, paying taxes is more convenient to the individuals who are employed because the incomings are decreased the taxes by the company. The relative bureau would take over all the taxes, which would be distributed and utilized to area which need invest and improvement. The education, health, public traffic, etc would be developed and updated in future. These cases are so huge that it shall be arranged by some specialists to make a comprehensive plan and regulation.&nbsp;&nbsp;Finally, it would be shared by the people who give the contribution.

On the other hand, some people insist that it is not enough for the individual to pay taxes. It is better to take more responses as the social member. For example, blood domination, taking care the orphan, volunteer in some events, etc. These activities impact the society more efficiently and directly. At the same time, the participants could enjoy the immediate feedback of devoting pleasure, which is impossible of the employee only give the money. This method could be controlled more flexible to the individuals.

Nevertheless, the most important is the result of contribution, not the contribute process. I would prefer to spend the time to devote into the society rather than argue which is more important. All the contributions to the society are welcomed and appreciated by the public. Whatever the contribution is direct or undirectly, huge or trifle, it is the domination to the society and finally return to the citizens themselves.







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