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标题: 大作文求批 [打印本页]

作者: dxnck206    时间: 2012-9-3 04:17
标题: 大作文求批


前天的考试,大作文,不好搞,感觉中文都不好写,写的一塌糊涂,今天重新写了下,希望哪位有空的牛人可以帮俺看看,不胜感激:)<br />
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<strong>In many countries, some people think the punishment of not allowing those students who behave badly to return to schools is the best way to the problem. Other people, believe there are much better solutions to that problem. Discuss both views and give your opinions.</strong><br />
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In order to punish some students who have committed something bad, refusing them to stay in schools is considered as the most effective way by some authorities. Personally, I, like other people, believe there should be some much better substitutive solutions.<br />
<br />
Closing school doors to badly behaving boys and girls for ever, are probably supported by some people basing on two reasons. First of all, compared with other discipline, it can exert a lifelong impact on those students. Students who receive such punishment would probably not take bad action any more, because they have learned the fact that they have do pay for what they had done if they did not obey some rules. Another important reason is a deterring effect would be put on other students who are probably likely to copy bad behaviours; as a result, such punishment would prevent them from becoming followers.<br />
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Other people, however, argue that there exist other solutions that can discipline delinquents without dooming their educating lives. Community work, for example, has been taken by many countries and has received wonderful effects, because it can penalise those students to some extent and does not disable their roads to the schools entirely. Suspension, also, can function as effectively as community work does. After being isolated from schools for a certain time, children are more likely able to cherish the chance of staying in the schools and conduct properly.<br />
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In conclusion, I think the students who do harm to others should deserve some types of punishment and we cannot forget to leave chances for them. The punishment is just a kind of education methods for students, so it cannot cut off the road to their education when functioning.




作者: mjphua2569    时间: 2012-9-3 10:29


第二段的举例完全没有说服力。



作者: 空幻的粉丝    时间: 2012-9-3 16:36


我也是菜鸟。

个人感觉从句有些问题,还有不少中式英语的写法。

不对之处请见谅



作者: dxnck206    时间: 2012-9-4 00:33


能不能详细点呢?楼上两位tx



作者: 152125    时间: 2012-9-4 05:44


我觉得你好像更支持不让人上学这个法子。写的不错,至少挺连贯的。



作者: 陈似太极拳    时间: 2012-9-4 14:40


Task Response&nbsp;&nbsp;6 ~ 6.5

Coherence and Cohesion&nbsp;&nbsp;6

Lexical Resource&nbsp;&nbsp;6

Grammatical Range and Accuracy 6 ~ 6.5

overall 6 ~ 6.5



作者: dxnck206    时间: 2012-9-4 20:20


谢谢楼上各位点评的tx,第三段的确是偏弱了,不过这个话题对我来说真不好写,考试的时候,我竟然想不出一个更好的理由来,,,,



作者: awxhua1621    时间: 2012-9-5 05:03


我觉得那段备考的日子真是煎熬啊。。。终于熬过来了~



作者: ygj    时间: 2012-9-5 10:06


花了点时间批了一下,见附件。
毕竟不是专业的,不恰当之处请多包涵。





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作者: 秋天的廊桥遗梦    时间: 2012-9-5 17:13


LZ绝对是有7分实力的,语句木有让人看着不舒服和困扰的地方,但是第二段感觉比第三段更有说服力,显得第三段变成第二段的一个补充了。第二段里面可以加上作者自己的观点,表明自己为什么不认同这种做法。



作者: snvhv455    时间: 2012-9-6 02:22


不敢苟同。



作者: 夕阳漫漫    时间: 2012-9-6 13:12


其实不需要写那么多长句的,让人觉得读起来很累。你看书后面的例文,很少有长句,但读起来很舒服。



作者: dxnck206    时间: 2012-9-6 15:44


谢谢楼上各位热心指导,过几天lp要生了,这阵子俺的鸭子要先搁起来了,过阵子再回来请教各位 。祝好!!!



作者: 兰色宝宝    时间: 2012-9-6 21:45


看了第一段,“there are much better solutions to that problem”这个不能照抄,大忌讳。。。
你要表达这个意思,就要rephrase。



作者: aasnj9048f    时间: 2012-9-6 23:42


剑6里有一篇阅读,说的是如何激励员工使企业更好发展,就是一共六招的那篇。我最近重感冒上火,眼睛很疼,看英文不舒服,作文就不点评了。但是建议楼主从那里看看这种关于奖励惩罚的东西,用词啊,思路啊,内容素材神马的。



作者: 无名指de孤单    时间: 2012-9-7 06:39


俺的作文水平实在一般,不敢随便评论。
不过感觉LZ还是遵循了论坛上两大作文牛贴的建议,很少采用一,二人称(除了结尾段,其实结尾段的应该也能避免哈),连词尽量放句中,看起来的感觉确实还不错呢~
LZ能否在拿到成绩之后给大家说一声,看到底是多少?



作者: benz在路上2008    时间: 2012-9-7 10:34


最多6分吧



作者: dxnck206    时间: 2012-9-7 17:53


跟Hohona等各位汇报一下,这次作文6分,不过已经超出我预料了,如开贴所说,当时写的一塌糊涂,自己估计是5-5.5分。如果真的是像开贴的作文,也许有人不赞同,我估计会有7分(自我感觉良好下,呵呵)。最近没时间,过段时间再来。谢谢楼上各位帮忙,祝好!

[]



作者: 牵手共你看    时间: 2012-9-7 21:55


也就是LZ真正写的不是这个水平,但是拿到6了~
相信本篇分数会更高的~



作者: 空幻的粉丝    时间: 2012-9-8 06:50


我觉得写得不错,没有让人看着不舒服







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