第一次完整的做完一篇作文，字数刚够还超时了，请众大牛指正，先谢了。<br />
Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men. To what extent do you agree or disagree?<br />
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Nowadays various industries pay more attention to gender equality and this trend also extends to military sector. Increasingly number of female joins the army which leads to a controversial discussion among people who hold different opinions. Some people think female have the right to join the army as men do while some other people against with that thought. To my mind, women can play an important role in the army.<br />
First and foremost, from temperament and personality aspect, female always focus on details more than male. Therefore, women can do better in specific area (e.g. intelligence collection, psychological consultancy) of military. Because of severe competition, there will be enormous needs from male soldier. Under this kind of circumstances, a female psychologist or consultant with gentle voice would play a key part to ease soldiers’ mind. In addition to this, balance of gender ratio can bring more harmony atmosphere into severe military career. <br />
Of cause, from another angel, military sector should be well prepared to each aspect of policy and facility while allow women taking part in the army. For instance, it is a must to keep enough distance between the female’s shower room and the male’s. Meanwhile severely punishments or laws should be enforced to prevent the possible sexual harassment.<br />
Generally, I believe women can strengthen the military power. Thereby it’s reasonable to allow women joining the army. This may lead to some new situations that have never happened before, and I think the military sector can definitely work out corresponding solutions in advance to manage the issues well.<br />
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其他少数我能spot到的地方：
while some other people against with that thought
改为 while others are against that thought
Because of severe competition, there will be enormous needs from male soldier
这句逻辑我没看懂，因为竞争太激烈，所以男兵的需求过于庞大？needs是指什么呢？physical need ？psychological need？
Nowadays various industries pay more attention to gender equality and this trend also extends to military sector. Increasingly number of female joins the army which leads to a controversial discussion among people who hold different opinions. Some people think female have the right to join the army as men do while some other people are against with that[this] thought. To my mind, women can play an important role in the army.
First and foremost, from temperament and personality aspect, female always focus on details more than male. Therefore, women can do better in specific area (e.g. intelligence collection, psychological consultancy) of military. Because of severe competition, there will be enormous needs from male soldier (这句话的意思好像有点模糊). Under this kind of circumstances (kind of singular/kinds of plural 单复数前后一致), a female psychologist or consultant with gentle voice would play a key part[role] to ease soldiers’ mind. In addition to this, balance of gender ratio can bring more harmony[harmonious] atmosphere into severe military career.
Of cause, from another angel, military sector should be well prepared to[prepare well on] (为什么用被动？) each aspect of policy and facility while allows women taking[to take] part in the army. For instance, it is a must to keep enough distance between the female’s shower room and the male’s. Meanwhile severely[severe, rigorous] (用了太多次severe了) punishments or laws should be enforced to prevent the possible sexual harassment.
Generally, I believe women can strengthen the military power. Thereby it’s reasonable to allow women joining[to join] the army. This may lead to(create? lead to通常贬义) some new situations that have never happened before, and I think the military sector can definitely work out corresponding solutions in advance to manage the issues(这个the issures距离具体issures有点远，显得有点指代不明) well.
Male和Female最好不要单独做主语。The male do/The female do...或Men do/Women do男人/女人。Male does/Female does...雄性/雌性Play a key role/Play a key part不是可以随意换的，取决你强调主语的"角色性"还是"物理性"。She plays a key role in the team. CPU plays a key part in computer.Allow sb to do/Allow doingthis/that。this通常指代前文所提，that通常指代下文要讲的。建议LZ多积累一些词汇，丰富同义词的使用。比如severe, well就用的有点多了。专用词除外，建议同一个adj和adv在文中出现不要超过两次。
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作者: 爱菲的风筝 时间: 2012-12-8 06:46
what's "Of cause"??
作者: 打海淀骗子 时间: 2012-12-8 14:09
感谢以上的回复，学到很多。
作者: kyhk6488 时间: 2012-12-8 14:31
雅思5-5.5分水平，建议多看外刊提高水平。感觉像是用中文硬翻译成英文的，比如：Of cause, from another angel, 一般我写On the other side 或者On another side，我看的就很难受，别说英语国家来的雅思考官，希望楼主理解。
作者: MYCMZY 时间: 2012-12-9 02:27
不知道楼主上次雅思写作多少分？ 但是从我这个角度看的话，大概5.5左右的水平。
用词不是很恰当， 譬如固定搭配，这个很重要，要不然你就不nature了。
其次，整个结构不是很清晰，没有明确的signal word
还有，一个观点没有develop well，没有evidence来支持你的thesis statement.
最后，语法存在许多错误。
从task response, lexical range, grammar and cohension and coherence，我感觉
5-5.5左右。