请高人帮忙评下作文，看看能打几分啊？也好评估下自己的水平，先行拜谢~<br />
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小作文：<br />
Dear Sir or Madam, <br />
I am writing this letter to you as I am hearing there is a project established by you which need assistance, and the project is aiming to resolve some environment problems. I always believe that environment plays a very important role in our common life so I would like to support you in the following ways. <br />
The first point I can help is to collect environment data in our district as I have been lived there for more than 10 years, that means I am very familiar with this area. The second point that I can provide assistance is to do the environment data analyse because I am a software engineer and maniputlating related anylyse software is my strong point. The last point that I can help in this project is I am a very friendly and welcoming people and you will be very happly to cooperate with me. <br />
I will be available from next month, to be exactly, 2012/12/21. <br />
If you have any questions, pls do not hesitate to contact with me. <br />
I look forward to hearing your feedback in the near future. <br />
<br />
Yours faithfully,<br />
ＸＸＸ<br />
<br />
<br />
大作文：<br />
Nowadays more and more counties choose to spend a lot of money to celebrate their public holidays, some people challenged this because they thought these money should be spent on other more valuable projects, from my point of view, the celebration of the public holidays is worth the money and it can be proved by the following points. <br />
The first point is that people is emotional breeds so what they need are not only physical materials but aslo soul stuffs, and the public holidays represent a period of unforgettable time for the people, as consequce the people in this country will hold some celebration ceremony to memorize this important momories. <br />
The second point is although the celebrations for the public holidays will cost a huge amount of money, there will be a varity of relevent business firms that can benefit a lot of from this. And the employee in these firms can enhance their living standards because of the profits that gained from the celebrations. At the same time, very successful celebrations can make the country enjoy a more famous reputation in the whole world, as a result, this can attract more visitors from other countriies and this will assist this country’s tourism with nodoubt. <br />
The further point that need to be discussed about the celebration is it motivates innovations. Obviously to hold the celebrations need a sort of different machines and technologies, and several related industries will invent a lot of new technologies to satisfy the demands of celebrations. <br />
At last, it is very necessary to cosider why there are so many people blame these celebrations? The main reason is they believe there are more urgent situations that need the more than the celebrations, but in a healthy developed society, there will lese possiblity for these accidents. <br />
In conclusion, when the government make plans about how to spend their money, there should be some criterions existing, but in healthy societies, the costs for the public holidays celebrations are essential.
小作文：
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing ("waiting for" or "awaiting") this letter to(from?) you as I am hearing (heard) there is a project established by you which needs assistance ("a project you established needs assistance" is smoother), and the project is aiming to resolve some environment problems. I always believe that environment plays a very important role in our common(daily?) life, so I would like to support you in the following ways.
The first point I can help is to collect environment data in our(my?) district as I have been lived(living) there for more than 10 years, that(. It) means I am very familiar with this area (This is obvious and no need to say). The second point that I can provide assistance (duplicated. Can be removed) is to do the environment data analyse(use noun "analysis" or gerund "analyzing") because I am a software engineer and maniputlating("using" is better. "Manipulate software" sounds weird to me) related anylyse(use "analysis". wrong spelling) software is my strong point. The last point that I can help in this project is I am a very friendly and welcoming people and(too many and. ". I believe you will ...") you will be very happly to cooperate with me.
I will be available from next month, to be exactly, 2012/12/21.
If you have any questions, pls do not hesitate to contact with me.
I look forward to hearing your feedback in the near future.
Yours faithfully,
ＸＸＸ
大作文：
Nowadays more and more counties choose to spend a lot of money to celebrate their public holidays, some(. Some) people challenged this because they thought these(this) money should be spent on other more valuable projects, from(. From) my point of view, the celebration of the public holidays is worth the money and it can be proved by the following points.
The first point is that people is emotional breeds so what they need are not only physical materials but aslo soul stuffs, and the public holidays represent a period of unforgettable time for the(I think it should be no "the". Even "them" may be better) people, as consequce("as a consequence". But here "in this way" is better) the people in this country will hold some celebration ceremony(ies) to memorize this(these) important momories.
The second point is although the celebrations for the public holidays will cost a huge amount of money, there will be a varity of relevent business firms that can benefit a lot of("get a lot of benefit". Check how to use benefit as a verb) from this. And the employees in these firms can enhance their living standards because of the profits that gained from the celebrations. At the same time, very successful celebrations can make the country to enjoy a more famous reputation in the whole world, as(. As) a result, this can attract more visitors from other countriies and this(duplicated subject) will assist this country’s tourism with nodoubt.
The further point that need to be discussed about the celebration is that it motivates innovations. Obviously to hold the celebrations needs a sort of different machines and technologies, and several related industries will invent a lot of new technologies to satisfy the demands of celebrations.
At last, it is very necessary to cosider why there are so many people blame these celebrations? The main reason is they believe there are more urgent situations that need the more than the celebrations, but in a healthy(healthily) developed society, there will be lese possiblity for these accidents.
In conclusion, when the government makes plans about how to spend their(the subject "gov" is singular, here should not use "their". "spend money" is OK) money, there should be some criterions existing(no need), but in healthy societies, the costs for the public holidays celebrations are essential.
小作文的to be exactly应该改成to be exact
大作文我觉得你的想法比我的好多了，就是组织貌似有点乱。at last应该改成lastly吧
作者: x1ahyuui8q 时间: 2012-12-6 01:58
Nowadays more and more counties are willing to spend a large amount of money on holiday celebration. Some people challenged it because they insist the money should be spent on other valuable projects. From my point of view, investing in the celebration of the public holidays is worthy and it can be proved by following points.
Firstly, people are emotional breeds, so what they need are not only in terms of physical materials, but contain soul stuffs as well. It worth to emphasize that the public holidays represent a period of unforgettable time for people. Consequently, the people in specific country will hold some celebration ceremony to memorize the important events.
Secondly, although the celebration of the public holidays may cost a huge amount of money, it will gain a rich variety of relevant business firms, thereby the celebration itself can be benefited a lot. Besides, the employee in these firms can enhance their living standards as the profits they gain from the celebrations. At the same time, very successful celebrations can make the country earn a better reputation in the whole world. As a result, the nation can attract more visitors from other countries and this surely will improve the tourism market.
Thirdly, the celebration will motivate innovations. Obviously, to hold the celebrations need a sort of different equipments and high technologies. Therefore, the related industries can be motivated to invent a lot of new technologies to satisfy the demands of celebrations.
Finally, it is not unnecessary to consider why there are so many people blame these celebrations. The primary cause is they believe that there are lots of situations are way more urgent than the celebrations, but in a healthy developed society, the possibility of accidents is very small.
In conclusion, making spending plans, governments should consciously abide by existing criteria. But in healthy societies, the spending of the public holiday celebrations is essential.
这就是我11.17考的作文，我writing得了7.5分。
说实话，我也没有用很高级的词汇和复杂的句型，
我觉得雅思评分的Coherence and Cohesion非常重要，就是整篇文章的逻辑结构和句子之间的衔接。
如果这点做得比较好，可以弥补其他方面的一些不足，得较高的分数，仅是个人意见
作者: 黑木熊熊 时间: 2012-12-7 09:16
5.5,真给的挺低
作者: 残云半缕 时间: 2012-12-7 18:54
我也是11.17考的, 作文得了6, 但我觉得你比我写得好,
作者: hrfd11fbtw 时间: 2012-12-8 00:27
我感觉你的文章标点符号用的少，一个影响你的逻辑，另外影响你的语法得分。
作者: udj94dfl 时间: 2012-12-8 03:31
按我对楼主意思的理解，改了下小作文，不妥之处大家见谅
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing this letter because I heard that you need assistance in a project aiming to resolve environmental issues.
As I always believe that the environment plays an important role in our daily lives, I would like to assist you in the best way that I can. I could help in the following ways.
Firstly, I can help with collecting environment data of our district. As I have been living here for over 10 years, I am very familiar with this neighbourhood.
Secondly, I can provide assistance for analyzing the data, because I am a software engineer and operating software is my strong suit.
Lastly, I am a friendly and loving person. I am sure that you will find it very pleasant to work with me.
I can start from next month， Dec 21, to be exact.
If any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.