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标题: 雅思5.5的童鞋大作文求修改,十分感谢 [打印本页]

作者: v2d8w7t4y7    时间: 2013-3-14 17:06
标题: 雅思5.5的童鞋大作文求修改,十分感谢


<strong>请各位大神给我看看,急啊,学了4个月作文才提高了0.5分. 谢谢了! 下面这四个都有是剑8的题,我自己改了下, 但感觉还不满意, 故来求助.</strong><br />
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<strong>1. Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.</strong> <br />
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To become an active member of society, there are lots of things that children should be taught. Although it is controversial on this issue whether school or parents should take this responsibility, I believe that both sides should shoulder their duties.<br />
<br />
For some reasons some people think that schooling play the pivotal role for children's growth. Firstly, some basic skills such as literacy and other practical skills, which most children acquire at school, are extremely important even if they are grown up. Currently, it is undeniable that children's education background determines the class in society which a child belongs to. Besides the practical skills, school also teaches children the rules and values they need to become good citizens, to participate in the community and to contribute to the economic prosperity. Finally, school is the occasion that children learn how to communicate with each other and how to express themselves as well. Children will profit from these experiences even if they enter society. <br />
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However, other people insist that parents have the main responsibility to enable the children to adapt to adulthood lives. To begin with, they argue that parents are not only the ones who give birth for children, but also ones whom children could rely on before they are able to live independently. Without parents, children would not be able to survive. What is more, parents are idols to children since the day they were brought to the world. In other words, children tend to imitate their parents' behaviour and even thinking. In this way parents mould children's characters and soul inevitably before they attending school. <br />
<br />
In my opinion, both parent and school are essential roles for children on the way they are grown up. Parents give children life, and school imparts children practical skills to make them more perfect. Both of them should take the duty of children's growing.<br />
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<strong>2. Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has hcanged because of technology. In what ways has technology affected the types of realationships people make?</strong><br />
<strong>Has this become positive or negative development?</strong><br />
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<strong> <br />
<br />
</strong>With the development of technology, people have more choices in communicating with each other. This phenomenon has brought desirable effects, however, some negative impacts, which are associated with the changing in people’s social communication and interaction, are produced inevitably because of technology improvement. <br />
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The ways that people build up relationship between each other have impacted by technological development in a number of aspects. Firstly, the improvements of technology enable people to communicate and interact more effective. Wherever they are and whenever they would like to do, they are able to interview over certain technology, such as internet or telephone. Secondly, individuals who never met each other before&nbsp;&nbsp;can also establish connection through modern telecommunication technology. In other words, people are rendered to diverse choices in finding and building their social circles. Furthermore, they tend to have a large number of friends with different backgrounds, which include nationality, culture and language.<br />
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These kinds of tendency, which technology improvements are changing how people socialize each other have brought both active and passive effects. Obviously, as a positive development, it has not only promoted people’s the effective and efficiency communicate with each other, but also has strengthened people’s ability to interact across various barriers. On the other hand, people are&nbsp;&nbsp;spending too much of their time on the virtual relationship. As a result, people are isolated&nbsp;&nbsp;from the real world around them. In this way, technology improvements play as a passive role in people's communication and interaction.<br />
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To conclusion, people profit from the progress of modern technology, but meanwhile, they should not indulge in the virtual world and neglect their real relationships and family bonds.<br />
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<strong>3. Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree? What other measures do you think might be effective?<br />
<br />
</strong>The developing problems of traffic vehicles leads to various pollution and congestions.The high price of fossil fuel is able to combat against these problems, however, there are still some other effective ways which are beneficial to solute these problems. <br />
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In my opinion, the raise on the price of petrol is probably a direct and effective way for some reasons. To begin with, the high expense on petrol means people have to choose public transport rather than private vehicles. Consequently, the pressure on traffic and environment can be reduced. Furthermore, people are forced to develop renewable and cheap energies to give a permanent and effective solution on these issues, such as congestion, air pollution and noise pollution. Finally it is beneficial to reduce the amount of exhaust fumes emissions. <br />
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However, there are still some other constructive solutions to traffic growth and pollution. First of all, legislation may be a good way on this issue. We would make law to forbid high-polluted vehicles. If people can be aware of the traffic and pollution problems, they will play key role in these issues. For example, they can use green ways to move around, such as walking and biking. Finally, developing more eco-friendly energy can largely reduce transportation and environment problems. <br />
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In conclusion, I think that improving the price of petrol could be one of the best ways to cope with traffic and pollution, but meanwhile, there are still other possibilities to address these problems.<br />
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<strong>4. In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?<br />
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</strong><br />
Today, in many developed countries, obesity rates are rising, but people’s healthiness are becoming worse. In this article, I try to discover some reasons on those problems and then give some solutions.<br />
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There are many reasons contributed to over-weight and unhealthiness. The main reason is that individuals who live in developed countries eat too much and exercise not enough. Because of technology improvements, machines are gradually taking place of human labour almost everywhere, in factories, offices and even at homes. For example, now people tend to move around by vehicles instead of walking. Meanwhile, people have hardly had time to relax when competitions are fierce and the tempo of life is more fast and stressful. Therefore, they prefer to eat more high-calorie and convenient foods to adapt to modern lifestyle. As a result, their weights rise. What is more, obesity often triggers other diseases, such as high blood pressure, stroke and heart diseases.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br />
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After having known what has happened to people’s weight and healthiness, we must take some actions. First of all, we should do as much exercise as we can. In this way, we are able to keep fit and lose weight. Besides, sports are the best way to calm and soothe ourselves. Second, we should eat more nutritious foods, which are not only helpful to strengthen our bodies, but also useful to protect people from illnesses. <br />
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In conclusion, for some reason people’s weight is increasing and their fitness and health are being challenged by kinds of diseases, however, there are still some measures we could use to protect ourselves from these sorts of threat.




作者: rrizcmwc    时间: 2013-3-14 20:42


我觉得有些词用得不会很对,而且道理讲得不清楚,逻辑性不强,也没有什么例子。

个人意见,低手飘过……



作者: v2d8w7t4y7    时间: 2013-3-15 01:55


谢谢,能具体一点么
如果嫌烦只改一篇也行啊



作者: woedbot    时间: 2013-3-15 07:08


............................................

[]



作者: v2d8w7t4y7    时间: 2013-3-15 14:15


回楼上,我自己的目标当然是起高越好了,但答于自己目前的实力,6分以上就可以了



作者: jswdw985    时间: 2013-3-16 01:17


改一句:'people have more choices in communicating with each other.' 逻辑问题,有more一定要than,

people have more options to communicate in these days than before.



作者: v2d8w7t4y7    时间: 2013-3-16 03:35


嗯,谢谢



作者: xxihill    时间: 2013-3-16 15:24


Today可以写成Nowadays,会不会好点?
最后一段,for some reasons感觉不地道,而且就算写也应该放在句尾比较好。
measures 那个词有的是不是有点问题?method的话不够给力。

抛砖引玉,准备5月底第一次考G类呢。

作文还没开始准备呢,现在专心准备口语



作者: 金银神策    时间: 2013-3-16 23:39


1. Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

To become an active (and positive) member of society, there are lots of things that children should be taught. (用to become 开头,后面半句的主语必须是人了,你用的是there is,前后不搭了)Although it is controversial on this issue whether school or parents should take this responsibility, I believe that both sides should shoulder their duties.

For some reasons(凑字的没什么意义) some people think that schooling play the pivotal role for children's growth. Firstly, some basic skills such as literacy and other practical skills, which most children acquire at school, are extremely important even if they are(have been) grown up. Currently, it is undeniable that children's education background determines the class in society which a child belongs to.(determines which class in the society a child belongs to....) Besides the practical skills, school also teaches children the rules and values they need to (need to know,至少得有个know,to )become good citizens, (as well as how)to participate in the community and to contribute to the economic prosperity. Finally,(studying at) school is the occasion that children learn how to communicate with each other(others 足矣) and how to express themselves as well. Children will profit from these experiences even if(这个逻辑不是转折,是发展的,有一个连词叫after,有一个词组叫as soon as) they enter society.

However, other people insist that parents have the main responsibility to enable the children to adapt to adulthood lives. To begin with, they argue that parents are not only the ones who give birth for children, but also ones whom children could rely on before they are able to live independently. (大哥你这句从句太复杂了。。。parents are not give birth for children,but also on whom children rely before....)Without parents, children would not be able to survive. What is more, parents are idols to children since the day they were brought to the world. (时态不对,前面完成进行时,后面一般完成时,基础语法问题)In other words, children tend to imitate their parents' behaviour and even thinking. In this way parents mould children's characters and soul inevitably before they attending school.

In my opinion, both parent and school are essential roles for children on the way they are grown up. Parents give children life, and school imparts children practical skills to make them more perfec(better)t. Both of them should take the duty of children's growing.

最后那个词应该是growth吧。。。



作者: v2d8w7t4y7    时间: 2013-3-17 04:11


谢谢你的建议!
我也是五月底考G类,不过我是第三次了, 前两次成绩很差, 是啊,口语很重要,作文最好多写写,不然 会很蛋疼的



作者: v2d8w7t4y7    时间: 2013-3-17 13:51


谢谢,你说的第一的确是我没考虑到,后面的need 是实义动词, 后面坚跟三个不定式是并列结构,请你帮我再看一下好吗even if 的确值得再考试下,
总之,非常感谢你的建议,



作者: v2d8w7t4y7    时间: 2013-3-17 19:50


帖子就又这样又沉了,今天去英语角,遇见两个外因人,谈吐比较像我心目中外国的感觉, 英语口语自我感觉练进步了,但有些东西还要加强, 看来新概信心四发重拾一下. 其中一个美国人来自华盛顿,很搞笑,对自己国家也是一肚子牢骚啊, 他想要把所有的lazy全杀掉, 而且比较反战.



作者: ktst7271    时间: 2013-3-18 05:32


去淘宝找人改,20元/每篇,又快又好。



作者: v2d8w7t4y7    时间: 2013-3-18 14:19


谢谢楼上,我不怕花钱,但是质量有保证吗



作者: i7t5idxv6    时间: 2013-3-19 01:33


十年之前考雅思写作7分,当时练习了不少。十年以后考雅思,裸考还是7分,没有进步,很惭愧。我看楼主这几篇文章缺少通篇的语感。语感这个东西我认为最简单的办法就是背英语文章。十年前练习的时候背了上海外语教学出版社的大学英语第五册。反复背,经常看英语文章,培养语感。然后提笔写的时候句式就会有英文的感觉而不是想点啥就用英文翻译出来。

楼主的句式结构太过于简单,虽然有一些是副词前置,但是主要的句子都是主语+谓语+宾语的简单句型。努力将句型复杂起来,一个自然段中的句型最好都不一样。而且长短句要结合,太长的句子一个段里一句就可以,不要过多。语态和失态要学会运用。学会使用虚拟语气绝对会是加分项。

还有就是要注意语法,不要犯语法错误。比如说第一篇文章,第二段最后一句话Finally, school is the occasion that children learn how to communicate with each other......,这里引导从句要用where而不是that。语法错误一多,肯定分数会降下来。

写作其实感觉就是工夫在题外,如果没有夯实的语法基础,流畅的语感,写出来的东西读起来就是chinglish。所以如果想速成的话,最直接的办法就是每天拿出一个小时来背英文,一个月就可以见效。



作者: 70eg9jl0    时间: 2013-3-19 09:39


我认为还可以,起码比我强。另,我雅思以前考过作文6分。



作者: v2d8w7t4y7    时间: 2013-3-19 11:07


其实我也一直在背新概念。现在只背了前两册,准备背后面每三册了,谢谢你的建议







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