大作文，求批

群众众 · 发表于 2010-11-22 18:26:58

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Someone think children should attend extra classes after school, other disagree. Discuss both opinion and give your own view.

Nowadays, extra classes becomes commonly with almost students at schools. At the meanwhile, someone think it is not good to go to extra classes. There are advantages and disadvantages to attending classes after school. But in my opinion I believe it is better to take part in a extra class after school.

Proponents of extra classes clam that there are several benefits to attending extra classes. It provides the opportunities for students who did not do well in the test to learn knowledge. They can learn those they did not grasp in the schools. Furthermore, extra-curricular activities after school are important in terms of shaping students into better individuals. Students can participate in extra-curricular activities such as music, arts, etc, to build character and develop a positive personality. Hence many parents send their children to extra classes after school.

On the other hand, attending extra classes after school may become the burden of students and parents. Students are tired and need to rest after 6-8 hours study at schools. It is not good for their health. Some students who live far away from school will arrive home late. And the financial burden increased due to after-school study. Parents need to pay for the cost of classes, and spend time and money to send their children to extra activities.

In conclusion, both points of view are valid. Overall, the best alternative seems that extra classes can be held on the free weekdays so that the student would not become tiredness.

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psswebpp · 发表于 2010-11-23 02:59:31

Someone think children should attend extra classes after school, other disagree. Disagree both opinion and give your own view.

Nowadays,1. extra classes becomes commonly with almost students at schools. At the meanwhile, someone think it is not good to go to extra classes. There are advantages and disadvantages to attending classes after school. But in my opinion I believe it is better to take part in a extra class after school.

Proponents of extra classes clam that there are several benefits to attending extra classes. It provides the opportunities for students who did not do well in the test to learn knowledge. They can learn those they did not grasp in the schools. Furthermore, extra-curricular activities after school are important in terms of shaping students into better individuals. Students can participate in extra-curricular activities such as music, arts, etc, to build character and develop a positive personality. Hence many parents send their children to extra classes after school.
On the other hand, attending extra classes after school may become the burden of students and parents. Students are tired and need to rest after 6-8 hours study at schools. It is not good for their health. Some students who live far away from school will arrive home late. And the financial burden increased due to after-school study. Parents need to pay for the cost of classes, and spend time and money to send their children to extra activities.

In conclusion, both points of view are valid. Overall, the best alternative seems that extra classes can be held on the free weekdays so that the student would not become tiredness.

你不是赞成的吗？为什么还会列出反对的意见？

ghongxin · 发表于 2010-11-23 03:19:09

Someone think children should attend extra classes after school, other disagree. Disagree both opinion and give your own view.

Nowadays, extra [classes becomes] [commonly] [with] [almost students at schools]. [At] the meanwhile, someone [think]
class becomes or classes become / common / for most students / In the meanwhile / thinks
it is not good to go to extra classes. There are advantages and disadvantages [to attending] classes after school. [But] in
to attend / However
my opinion I believe it is better to take part in [a extra] class after school.
an extra

Proponents of extra classes [clam] that there are several benefits [to attending] extra classes. It provides [the
claim / to attend / opportunities
opportunities] for students who [did not do well] [in the test] to learn knowledge. They can learn those they did not
in tests ...(?) / have not done well
grasp [in the schools]. Furthermore, extra-curricular activities after school are important in terms of shaping students into
at school
better individuals. Students can participate in extra-curricular activities such as music, arts, [etc], to build character and
and etc.,
[develop] a positive personality. Hence many parents send their children to extra classes after school.
to develop
On the other hand, attending extra classes after school may become the burden of students and parents. Students are tired and need to rest after 6-8 hours study at schools. It is not good for their health. Some students who live far away from school will arrive home late. And the financial burden increased due to after-school study. Parents need to pay for the cost of classes, and spend time and money to send their children to extra activities.

In conclusion, both points of view are [valid]. Overall, the best alternative seems that extra classes can be held on the free weekdays so that the student would not become [tiredness].
tired

大致看了一下语法

被人叫做jy · 发表于 2010-11-23 14:50:40

这个能到6分吗？

天天加1 · 发表于 2010-11-23 19:29:39

第一个词，Nowadays, 我劝你不要再用了，1万个人开头都用这个词。考官厌倦了这个开头。

微风细雨馨 · 发表于 2010-11-24 06:43:18

总体上不错，结构合理，但是第一段有点夸张吧，错误有点多，以后注意点一定会取得不错的成绩
Nowadays烦人词, extra classes becomes 复数用三单？commonly （common）with almost （most） students at schools. At （in） the meanwhile, someone think这个用三单 it is not good to go to extra classes. There are advantages and disadvantages 烦人词to attending不定时加ing？ classes after school. But in my opinion， I believe it is better to take part in a （an） extra class after school.

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和平看客 · 发表于 2010-11-24 18:38:35

以我浅薄的见识：

文章从结构上来讲没什么问题，四段总分总结构中规中矩不出错，词数也刚好达标。

从逻辑上来讲我觉得就有点混乱了。主要问题是你的中心不明确：第一段里你说了你认为应该去上课外班，而最后一段变成了给课外班提出的优化意见。这两个主题是不完全一样的，必须合并或者舍弃掉一个。考虑到你中间的的两段，可以把第一段的最后一句改成类似这样的“But I believe with careful scheduling and selection, extra class can be helpful.”。然后最后一段最好再补充一句"...so that the student can benefit from after-school classes without become too tired."之类的话，这样就统一成一个中心了。当然了，如果在第三段再修改一下，在说明参加课外班的主要问题在于时间和孩子精力不足的同时，指出这些是可以通过针对孩子和家长的情况适当安排课程来避免的，就更好了

语法方面，老实说我觉得lz阁下似乎不太用心……如果说从句比较复杂容易出错，介词的用法容易混淆还情有可原的话，extra class[es] become、in a[n] extra class这种时态或者冠词选择上的错误是必须要避免的，尤其是第一段里。因为这会让考官产生一种你的基础知识都很薄弱的印象，从而削弱对你的文章的整体评价。建议在之后写作文的时候多加注意这些细节

词汇方面我觉得lz还是挺不错的，大词用的不算多不过都比较准确，这是很难能可贵的。除此之外，如果同一个意思能用更多的词语来指代的话效果就会更好，比如第二段的两个extra-curricular activities，如果第二个能换成个别的词，或者换成一个代词的话看起来就会更漂亮一点

最后加点声明：我还没考过雅思，只看过一些范文和讲评，我也不知道我是多少分的水平。所以以上观点只能代表我个人的感觉。因为我水平实在有限，其中有一部分观点可能是错的，希望lz自己多加辨别……谢谢合作……

路口转弯 · 发表于 2010-11-25 03:14:37

写的不错，评论也很好。可以根据意见再组织组织，会更好。

aewyy · 发表于 2010-11-25 10:36:32

It is common to see that many children begin to attend extra classes after they come back from school. Additional hours in study may mean quantity but not necessarily suggest quality in children’s education.

Children can benefit from extra classes as they get more opportunities for enhanced study or development of hobbies. For example, students who attend extra classes in relation to school subjects get a chance to review what they have not grasped at school so that they can catch up with fast learners. Through extra study, they may also extend what they have learned at school. In addition, students can choose extra-curricular activities in the subjects that are not available at school, such as piano, chess, and Chinese painting etc. The extra classes thus provide good opportunities for children’s continuing education and growth.

However, the quality of education cannot be warranted by increased hours in study, especially when extra classes go beyond the burden of students and parents. Students may easily become tired after a long time in study. Some students even go far away to attend evening classes and return home late. If the balance between study and rest is broken, children’s health will be jeopardized. Extra classes also appear expensive for some families, so they increase the financial burden of parents. Without a sound family environment, it is also uneasy for children to learn smoothly and successfully.

Therefore, children are encouraged to take more opportunities after school hours either to support their study at school or to develop their personal interest, unless the study pressure or financial burden goes so far that it is better to study no more and no less.

unodhh9j1c0 · 发表于 2010-11-25 19:13:22

作文的时候一定不能犯低级错误，
例如单复数比如 students build charactor（s），
，第三人称，
简单的短语介词搭配比如没有 spend sth to 这种搭配，只能是 spend sth on 或者 spend sth doing.

（以后作文写完，用1~2分钟快速检查一遍，改正所有的低级错误）

我们中国人也许会觉得都差不多，但是一个英语母语的人对这些是非常敏感的

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[雅思杂谈] 大作文，求批

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