12月11日的大做文, 大家帮看看

公民新闻 · 发表于 2010-12-13 08:30:33

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Scientists now find that people have health damage because they eat too much junk food, some people thin the answer to the problem is to educate people to eat less junk food, but some people think education will not work. Discuss the two points and give your opinion.

Due to the fast-pace lifestyle, modern people invented the fast food like French fries hamburgers, cookies, and so on, most of which turn out to be junk food with too much sugar, fat or salt. Fortunately, more people have been aware that junk food imposes greater potential danger on the consumers’ health in the long run. Some people believe it a good approach to encourage people to consume less by education whereas others doubt the proposal. In this essay I will explore both views and give out my opinion.

For the people who harbour the view that education works,Health Education, as a compulsive subject of school curriculum, may help school children develop a healthy eating habit and convince them of the harm of the junk food. Consequently, they are more likely to give a cold shoulder to a variety of unhealthy food during their lifetime. At the same time, the mass media is expected to play a vital role in the long-lasting campaign against junk food.by timely reporting the resultsof the latest scientific research on healthy food products.

Likewise, people who do not believing education is helpful have a number of reasons to support their point of view. Firstly, the appeal of junk food to the people lies in its enhanced flavour easy access to. What time –conscious consumers really concern is to fill their empty stomach in time during one-hour lunch breaks. Secondly, advertising of junk food is so influential that it helps form the eating habit of the viewers of these commertials.

Exploration of the both views leads me to draw my conclusion that ,as one of the most effective measures, education will play an active part in the battle if the government does enact laws toensure school attendants have been taught to adopt healthy diet and restrict the amount of advertising of unhealthy food in the media. Furthermore, junk food producers should be asked to improve their recipe and reduce the use of disagreeable ingredients.

云中禅心 · 发表于 2010-12-13 14:54:58

Due to the fast-pace lifestyle, modern people invented the fast food like French fries hamburgers, cookies, and so on, most of which turn out to be junk food with too much sugar, fat or salt. 【Fortunately, more people have been aware that junk food imposes greater potential danger on the consumers’ health in the long run.这个写法不是很好，如果真是这样，题目就没有必要要求大家讨论教育的作用了。换个说法，如直接切题说明问题‘科学家们发现junk food有很多坏处，而许多人却大量食用，导致影响了自己的身体健康’之类，感觉更简单明了些】 Some people believe it a good approach to encourage people to consume less by education whereas others doubt the proposal. In this essay I will explore both views and give out my opinion.【总体感觉这段写得还是不错的】

For the people who harbour the view that education works,Health Education, as a compulsive subject of school curriculum, may help school children develop a healthy eating habit and convince them of the harm of the junk food. Consequently, they are more likely to give a cold shoulder to a variety of unhealthy food during their lifetime. 【At the same time, the mass media is expected to play a vital role in the long-lasting campaign against junk food.by timely reporting the resultsof the latest scientific research on healthy food products.，觉得这一句和论题联系得不够紧，因为这句的主要意思是xx ‘to play a vital role in the long-lasting campaign against junk food’，而论题是有关教育方面的。可以考虑根据论题改变下，紧扣自己的论题才行】

Likewise, people who do not 【believing，语法错】 education is helpful have a number of reasons to support their point of view. Firstly, the appeal of junk food to the people lies in 【its enhanced flavour easy access to，这个表达似乎有问题】. What time –conscious consumers really concern is to fill their empty stomach in time during one-hour lunch breaks.【似乎少了个点题的句子，即说明这个论据如何和‘教育作用不明显’挂钩？】 Secondly, advertising of junk food is so influential that it helps form the eating habit of the viewers of these commertials. 【这里也没有提‘教育不起什么作用’，感觉不怎么切题】

Exploration of the both views leads me to draw my conclusion that ,as one of the most effective measures, education will play an active part in the battle if the government does enact laws toensure school attendants have been taught to adopt healthy diet and restrict the amount of advertising of unhealthy food in the media. 【Furthermore, junk food producers should be asked to improve their recipe and reduce the use of disagreeable ingredients.，这句话和题目要求的讨论教育的作用关系不大吧？】

549332177 · 发表于 2010-12-13 20:53:06

lz文章整体连贯性很好,文笔也不错. ls的点评也很深刻

不过有一个比较明显的而且是我们常常会犯的失误,主体段只是简单罗列双方观点和优点,但是没有任何倾向性,而仅仅在结尾段给出个人观点.
就是说读到全文倒数第二句,我才知道你的观点是什么,这个是典型中国人的思维方式.
按其他书上的建议,同时也是西方人的习惯,最好在第一段就给出个人倾向,譬如你觉得虽然双方都有道理,但是个人倾向于教育更重要一些.
而不是打伏笔(In this essay I will explore both views and give out my opinion)

即使不在第一段给出个人观点,也要在主体段中给出,再不行,也要在主体段第2段中改变倾向性,譬如第一段多说好处,第二段说教育作用有时候也不是万能的,譬如xxxx,(注意这些支撑论据不能太多,不然没人知道你到底喜欢哪种了),不过依然不能抹杀教育的作用,就算短期不能起作用,长期总还是有正面影响的.这样全文都是仅仅围绕教育这个话题展开的,不会让人误以为你在主体2段中跑题了.更不会让人觉得你墙头草2边倒.

结尾段的最后一句话,严重同意 yrqin的点评,尽管提倡在收尾后给出建议,但是建议一定要切题,也就是教育,可以是如何引进先进教育方式,或者加大对junk food的反面宣传,但是绝对不是解决junk food的对策.

公民新闻 · 发表于 2010-12-13 23:54:15

[雅思杂谈] 12月11日的大做文, 大家帮看看

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