看了yrqin大神的帖子，腰不酸了，腿不疼了，作文也能写好了

普通特务 · 发表于 2011-11-29 04:14:15

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新作一篇，欢迎各路大神拍砖指导

Economic growth has made people richer both in developing and developed countries. However, studies show that people in developing countries are happier that before while people in developed countries are not.

What are the causes of this phenomenon and what lessons can we learn from it?

Many countries’ economy has increased rapidly in the past decade, but these improvements are bringing different feelings to the people of developing and developed countries. This essay will analyse the reasons of this trend and give some suggestions to better the situation.

Obviously, living standard in developing countries has dramatically improved than ever before owing to the growth of economy. Specifically, be it fresh water, food and accommodation, all these basic needs can be fulfilled as the GDP’s quickly increase. Also, many infrastructures have constructed in poor countries so that locals can enjoy the better education and medical facilities. All these improvements bring a great satisfy feeling, no matter physically or psychologically, to the local people.

By contrast, citizens of developed countries may suffer much more stress during the economy development than others. The main reason of it is that those people have already owned satisfy material life, so all they really need is the emotional comforts. The reality is, however, the society is becoming more and more stressful and competitive. It is the emotional burdens that make people living in rich countries cannot fully enjoy the pleasures which economy development brings them.

This phenomenon rings the alarm to the governments that we should not only concentrate on the economy growth. Psychology, another essential element of human wellbeing, should also be taken into account in the social development. It can be achieved by, for instance, establishing a mature welfare system for all citizens. This system would effectively reduce the pressures of people, who worried about the lives when they get illnesses or after they retired.

To sum up, economy growth is beneficial to all people and besides that, authorities should concern about citizens’ psychology more. Only both aspects of them are improved can people really feel happy.

711o4x4m9 · 发表于 2011-11-29 10:12:03

哈哈阿，不错加哟··

新西兰之恋 · 发表于 2011-11-29 19:38:50

觉得用的句型还是不够味啊。
我来改写几句看看，纯研讨。

Substantial economic growth has taken place in many countries in the past decade, however, people are not necessarily pleased with what such development is bringing about. The attitude toward the progress of economy turns out to be quite differentiated between people in rich countries and impoverished ones, as some social study reveals.
这个题目是分析现象并提出建议的那种类型，所以第一段介绍一下背景就可以了。
后面我看到LZ主要在讨论物质及其对立精神层面的幸福感的问题，我觉得这样话题虽然层次较高，但是比较难写，说实话我个人觉得用中文都很难言之有物。不如找一些比较实在具体的事实来写。

第二段可以写，穷国可以通过经济发展让人民获得更好的食品和生活物资，可以获得科技产品提高生活的便利和质量，经济发展也会带动医疗卫生的发展，提高人民的健康水平和寿命。所以穷国人会比较享用到经济发展的好处。

第三段可以写，经济发展带来的好处，比如物美价廉的食物和产品，富国人固然收益，但对这种益处可能比较indifferent, 因为makes no big difference. 工业发展带来的环境恶化，比如温室效应，污染，对自然界的破坏是富国人的担忧。经济全球化导致的产业迁移，使富国人有失业的风险。所以富国人在近10年的发展中忧虑outweigh happiness.

第四段，题目是叫你写lesson, 我觉得比较难说，可以写1. 不同情况的国家和人民衡量益处的角度不同，因此对于经济发展的态度不同是正常的。2. 在决定经济发展的方向和方法时，应多做全局考量。3. 发展有时的确需要牺牲，但这更需要权衡和控制。4. 如何做好这种权衡和控制将是人类恒久的课题。

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83后宋希小 · 发表于 2011-11-29 21:09:49

楼主相当喜欢用倒装结构，还有副词喜欢放句中。

某些句子不这样写，会更清晰简单。

下面貌似有些语法错误？

Also, many infrastructures have been constructed in poor countries ...

All these improvements bring a great satisfy feeling, satisfaction...

The main reason of it is that those people have already owned satisfy satisfying material life, so all they really need is the emotional comforts.

which economy development brings to them.

普通特务 · 发表于 2011-11-30 00:01:06

哈哈，是啊，现在很困惑什么叫句式多样化。。所以就没事找事正常句子不好好写。。。。

普通特务 · 发表于 2011-11-30 09:16:32

和7分还是有很大差距，学习了

yxop5825 · 发表于 2011-11-30 18:26:43

觉得不是很正宗，感觉有模板的味道

Asvfa01073 · 发表于 2011-12-1 04:36:48

有时候我觉得刻意写一些不常用的句子反而会显得挺生硬的。
而且用多了容易出现错误。

Antesiagresia · 发表于 2011-12-1 06:51:53

Many countries’ economy has increased,，其实应该是developed rapidly in the past decade, but these improvements are bringing [different feelings,这个不好理解，这么写的话，后续应该再来一句context说明一下] to the people of developing and developed countries. [further explain what are 'different feelings']，总之:Your writing should be easy to understand and easy to follow because you are convincing people of something that you believe. This essay will analyse the reasons of this trend and give some suggestions to better the situation.

Obviously, living standard in developing countries has dramatically improved than ever before,感觉比较生硬，还不如删掉了 owing to the growth of economy. Specifically, be it fresh water, food and accommodation, all these basic needs can be fulfilled [as->because of] the GDP’s （should explain GDP first） quickly->quick increase. Also, many infrastructures,只有单数形式吧？ have constructed，被动语态，语法错in poor countries so that locals can enjoy the,should remove 'the' better education and medical facilities. [All,delete] these improvements bring a great satisfy,词性错feeling, no matter physically or psychologically, to the local people.

By contrast, citizens of developed countries may suffer much more stress during the economy development than others，who are ?. The main reason of it->for this is that those people have already owned satisfy material life, so [all->what] they really need is the emotional comforts [is not explained well and the whole sentence does not have much relationship to the first sentence]. The reality is, however, that the society is becoming more and more stressful and competitive. It is the emotional burdens that make people living in rich countries cannot fully enjoy, 很生硬 the pleasures which economy development brings them.

This phenomenon rings the alarm to the governments that we should not only concentrate on the economy growth [but also...]. Psychology, another essential element of human wellbeing, should also be taken into account in the social development. It can be achieved by, for instance, establishing a mature welfare system for all citizens. This system would effectively reduce the pressures of people, who [are] worried about [the->their] lives when they get [illnesses->ill] or after they [retired->retire or have retired].

To sum up, economy growth is beneficial to [all->how do you know this? Perhaps there is someone who does not receive any benefits from this growth] people and besides that, authorities should concern about citizens’ psychology more. Only both aspects of them are improved can people really feel happy->this is really not convincing. 这个有点喊口号了。.

总的来说论证大体上还可以，只是基础词汇和语法问题是比较大的。如果都能比较好的解决了，争取做到没有低级错误，用词再准确点，相信写作6.5和7分对你不是什么难事。

另外，你帖子的题目实在不妥：‘大神’两字不应该出现的。。。

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[雅思杂谈] 看了yrqin大神的帖子，腰不酸了，腿不疼了，作文也能写好了

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