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[雅思杂谈] 麻烦各位高手改下作文

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发表于 2012-3-1 12:07:15 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式 来自: INNA

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我是副申,主申写的作文,我输入的,麻烦大家帮忙提提意见,改下吧。新政后,我们只能考4个7了,写的不怎么样,估计7分作文距离还很远啊,大家见笑了。希望大家不吝指导,按照7分的标准,给我们提提建议。最好坛子里考到作文7分的童鞋,给出出主意,如何花费2-3个月的时间提高作文和口语到7分。万分感谢!



Many companies provide high salaries, good health care and other incentives to the staff. What do you think about it? How does a company properly make use of the above policies to please the staff to work?



The experienced and qualified employees are vital asset to the company. To retain and motivate these staff, many companies have their own benefit and compensation systems and most of them offer high salaries, good insurance and different welfare measures. In my opinion, there are both favorable and unfavorable sides for above solutions as follows.



It is true that high salary and good incentive encourage the employee to be more productive and dedicated to its job. For example, the employee with high salary can afford the whole family’s expenditure, his / her mate could be not necessary to work and take care of the child at home. The employee could put more focus on his / her job and has no worry about household. Besides that, the high wage can attract more talents from the marker, which could build a competitive edge of human resource. Actually it matters for company’s development in the long term.



In spite of above advantages mentioned, such policies could bring about some negative factors if executed improperly. It is evident that above measures can increase the financial burden, especially for those developing companies which are lack of capital. In addition, all the overhead will be added to the service or product price, which finally impact the company’s market share. Furthermore, the ordinary staff may over depend on this policy and, consequently, loose creativity and passion.



Weighing above pros and cons, I think we may adopt a few useful policies to make employee more satisfied. The first proposal is to divide the compensation into two parts: basic salary plus bonus ( or commission ). The propose of this suggestion is to make the benefit more flexible and performance oriented. The second proposal is to think about some other incentives, such as team building activities, training, family day, all the action will keep the employee’s work and life more balances. I believe with all these steps the real talented people would work harder and happier for the employer.



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沙发
 楼主| 发表于 2012-3-1 16:13:35 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


补充下,第一段是题目,我忘记黑体了。不好意思,第一次发作文上来


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板凳
发表于 2012-3-1 22:37:22 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


大概看了一下,打击一下LZ,个人感觉,词汇和句型都比较有限,还有一些小问题,例如单复数、指代不清之类的。按照现在这篇作文,可能只有6 -6.5左右。 建议LZ还是多背一些句型和范文。总结一个自己的模板。 例如下面这个,我就抛砖引玉了:


简单改写题目, 例如 Whether ... Is a topic arouse much debate, in this essay, I shall try to contrast and analyze two most popular opinions.


第二段:
选择你一个你不太同意的观点。
Many people argue that + 该观点+ and there seems to be plenty of findings/arguments to confirm this. Firstly, 举例子。 Secondly, 举例子。 Lastly, 举例子。

第三段:
选择你倾向的观点。
However, it is also worth mentioning that there are many others who believe that.....
举例子,或者逐条反驳上一段的例子/论据。 自己再找好连接词,不能再用firstly, secondly..

第四段:

Admittedly, people from different background tend to have different interpretations over the same issue. Nevertheless, considering what discussed above, I am in favor of + 你倾向的观点


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地板
发表于 2012-3-2 03:45:33 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


frankkiller的写法是否更适用于2个观点选一个的题目,本题目没有提供正反2个观点需要作者来评议,而就一个观点进行分析,问作者如何可以做的更好?  刚学作文,不是太懂,不知我理解是否恰当。。。。


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5#
发表于 2012-3-2 14:04:05 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


基本就两三种题型,每种都总结一个自己的模板吧。 上面那个确实更适合两种观点的。


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6#
发表于 2012-3-3 01:32:54 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


以前觉的模板会扣分,不要准备,但是写了几篇发现,如果每次都重新组织语言,太不专业,太废时间,还是你说的对,每类准备下自己专用模板好写。呵呵。


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