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沙发
发表于 2012-3-23 12:57:45
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只看该作者
来自： INNA
Write about the following topic:
Computers and modems have made it possible for office workers to do much of their work from home instead of working in offices every day. Working from home should be encouraged as it is good for workers and employers.
Do you agree or disagree?
The wide,->感觉生硬，不如increasing utilization of modern devices, such as computers and broad band->broadband network facilities, has been a common phenomenon，这个词不好，通常只不好的现象 these days which brings significant impact to the way [that->in which?] people live and work【第一句话挺罗嗦的，行为不够流畅。不如简单点说... utilization of modern devices......is bringing significant impact [on更好]....】. 【For example, 要多用linking words，，采分点啊，这里很明显的】 More and more people tend to choose to work from home with the help of these advanced equipments【equipment是不可数的】 【because it appears to be beneficial to both workers and employers，建议because这从句单独提出来吧，因为这句话是和下一句话，你的观点，形成鲜明对比的点。这也是一方的观点，不应该放在不重要的位置。而且你现在这样写，和下一句的but的使用，以及it的使用连在一起，显得前后行文不够流畅。linking words的使用效果大打折扣了，感觉只是为了用而用，不是用的合适，用的活】. But I think it【现在这个it的指代感觉是有问题的，总之不流畅】 might need to be argued under different conditions. 【这里点评一下：自己没有鲜明的观点，没有正面回答agree or disagree，意思就是既不是不同意也不是同意，这类写法当然也可以，但感觉不是很好，essay最好是论证鲜明的观点，给人以强的说服力，这才体现了essay的真正作用，也才更能体现你的逻辑的力量】
Admittedly, there are 【a lot of->既然是让步段，那么就不应该用a lot of了，some之类更合适，感觉对essay的写法和行文要点理解得不是很好】 factors that make working remotely from home highly【highly也是，和Admittedly不太相称】 attractive. Firstly, it【有点指代不清，应该是指代前一句的主语才合理吧?】 provides the employees with a schedule which is more flexible, compared to the strict working hours at office. Therefore, it is absolutely->太绝对了helpful to maintain work-life balance for the workers, because it is easier for them to deal with any possible conflicts concerning working and life faced by their families. Another good point is by working at home, people in fact contribute their effort to the protection of the environment they live [in]. It is obvious->慎用这种语气太强的词that their needs for transportation will be reduced and so will the emission of carbon dioxide which is known[->considered] as the major matter that warms the earth. 【看红色地方，话都说得太绝对了，严重不符合essay的要求。】
However, there are also some，先说这个some，一般来讲这里是论证你的观点，如disagree，因为前一段是比较明显的让步段，那么some和前面一段的a lot of应该互换位置 reasons that might prevent people from working at home，我感觉前一段说的其实是advantages，merits，这一段说的是disadvantages，drawbacks，换种提法会不会更清楚些呢？建议考虑考虑不同的表达方法. The first one is that this form->style更好？form感觉有些生硬，chinglish，当然也可能我感觉错了 of working might not be appropriate for [all->some更好，用all的话。。。还需要论证么。。。。极少论点对all成立啊，因此。。。] job positions. For instance, direct sales persons would be unlikely to reach good sales without communicating [directly->稍显重复，可以考虑face-to-face, in person等] with their clients. And【And一般不在句首出现的吧？并列句是最简单的复杂句形式啊。回头你自己确认下吧】 the cooperation between team members would be jeopardized->感觉这个是个亮点了if they simply talk over phone or online other than seeing each other. And the last reason is this definitely->语气太强了，过于肯定了，不符合essay写作风格makes the management harder because the management team will，同理过于肯定have no，同理语气过于肯定 direct observation on how their employees behave.
In conclusion, even it is apparent that working from home has so many->要避免这种带主观情感的表达。。。连带前面一大堆语气过强的词。。。。那么建议你仔细研究一下雅思essay为何物，如果找不到，可以看我的一篇精华帖：step by step剖析雅思写作，里面已经有详细说明 advantages, it could not be denied that it might not suit every company and individual as well. The choice of the way how people work should be discussed and decided by both employer and employees.这里的结论似乎不是很合适，因为前文并没有论证这一点，雅思essay说白了就是首段提出鲜明的观点，中间2到3段论述你的观点，结尾段对主体段的论述进行总结概括，然后在此基础上重申自己的观点（考你同义转换）。千万不要另起炉灶。
对于这个题目，主要是对‘ Working from home should be encouraged as it is good for workers and employers.’这句话里红色部分的词进行论证（agree的话）或反驳（disagree的话），从而形成自己的鲜明的观点。你这篇essay总的来说说服力不够，一大原因就是没有提出鲜明的观点进行论述，另外对essay的写作风格，写作方式，写作特点了解有多处不足，也是说服力不够的重要原因。
好的地方就不说了。看你考了几次分数都是6，6.5的，基本功还是可以的。所以只说我觉得有问题的地方了
一家之言，说的不对的地方请见谅。希望有所启发。
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