大家看看，作文能得几分，主要问题在什么地方？

coqdflv034 · 发表于 2011-10-24 09:05:20

马上注册，结交更多同城好友，享用更多功能！

您需要登录才可以下载或查看，没有帐号？立即注册

x

Multi-cultural societies in which there is a mixture of different ethnic cultures can bring more benefits than drawbacks. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

==============

Multi-culture means exposing societies to different perspectives coming from different ethnic groups. Ethnic groups co-exist is the current status of not only western countries such as Canada, Australia and America, but also in the eastern side of the world, like India and China.

Multi-culture has positive effects on societies. To begin with, multi-culture enriches art formats. For example, America composed of many ethnic groups in the world, is rich in a wide variety of musical formats, Blues and Hip-Hop are famous ones actually created by African people. In China, individuals can enjoy different dances from 55 ethnic minorities. Besides, the combination of many cultures definitely facilitates the economic development. In Canada or Australia, immigrants working hard or taking jobs that local people dislike make those countries become more prosperous than before. Lastly, It is much more easier to make correct decisions according to diverse views of distinct ethnic groups than just from the sole view. Most solutions have been proved effective through extensive discussion about all viewpoints over and over again to make sure all groups express their opinions completely

However, there are obvious drawbacks about multi-culture. Specifically, diversity of cultures might lead to intense friction if policies are not established very well. It is not surprising that conflict is established in ethnic groups with so many different background, perspectives and approaches to life. If there are not appropriate measures or rules to protect equality, fights or wars inevitably happen and damage the unity of different ethnic groups or the harmony of societies

To sum up, multi-culture has both pros and cons. In my opinion, the advantages are stronger than the disadvantages, different ethnic groups co-existing. The disadvantages should be thought of as a certain price that societies have to pay due to the characteristics of the world that we live in.

htnr9856 · 发表于 2011-10-24 13:20:24

从基本面上说，问题不大，从几个方面分析。

task response：两个观点都讨论，而且都进行了展开。并且运用了论据来支持论点。所以这点得分不会少，估计7到8。
coherence and cohesion：进行了有效的分段，句子之间的连接也合理，signpost用的合理。估计也能拿到7分。
lexical resource：词汇量足够大了，在部分词性上面有错误，例如co-exist--->co-existence, format--->form,等。但不影响表述，估计也在7分左右。
grammatical：有一些语法错误，例如介词的误用，很多时候or应该是and。但是不影响阅读。所以我觉得也会得到7分。

综上所述，我觉得你可以拿7分。only that 有一个问题，就是语言组织有一些不自然，不符合外国人的使用习惯，虽然在语言上是正确的，但是就是有点不自然。例如：Multi-culture means exposing societies to different perspectives coming from different ethnic groups.这句话中coming可以省略。
再例如：Ethnic groups co-exist is the current status of not only western countries such as Canada, Australia and America, but also in the eastern side of the world, like India and China. 第二句的第一个词和第一句的最后一个词是一样的，如果是老外，肯定就用which了或者用代词they或者their。还有not only的位置个人觉得可以放在is后面，或者australia也不是western country，不知道对不对。还有，两个并列的句子，第一句用of，第二句用in，有点乱。
个人感觉，仅仅是个人感觉。不知道是否会影响得分。

coqdflv034 · 发表于 2011-10-24 19:55:38

谢谢 kuthlaav
你的意见很中肯呀，可是我觉得7好遥远，这个文章我还改过，不是限定时间写的。

很多话我自己看着也别扭，可能还需要多看多写才能地道些。
隔壁你的楼也搭了很高了，我也是11月份考，共同努力呀。

GewGahPhype · 发表于 2011-10-25 04:18:43

其实大家一直在讨论写作写作，个人理解，写作就是讲语言写在纸上，只是针对不同的对象采取不同的语言风格，通俗一点就是见人说人话，见鬼说鬼话。
而且，我看了从3到8的考官范文，没有一篇是充斥着难词难句或者特高深的东西的，都是简短精炼。
所以，就像之前有几个同学提出来的一起，只要你能够达到新概念英语3的标准，并且通过他来熟悉表达一些简单的东西也就足够了，只是思路要求更加清晰。

所以去看看吧，看看原汁原味的英语是怎么用来表达简单的东西的。

coqdflv034 · 发表于 2011-10-25 05:03:03

用词确实不少很大的，但是逻辑关系和用词准确性相当高了。

coqdflv034 · 发表于 2011-10-25 07:27:56

今天写了一篇
===========
The increasing demand for fresh water has become a global problem. What are the causes of this phenomenon and what are the measures that should be taken to deal with it?

These days, a number of countries increasingly lack fresh water, especially in countries with a large amount of population, such as India and China. In China, many cities can not provide water for 24*7 hours, and even give the quota for everyone.

There are a variety of reasons that contribute to this issue. To start with, the quick population expansion leads to more needs of water consumption even though everyone keeps the same amount of water usage. Now China has more than 1.3 billion people, therefore, it is not surprise that how much water all of them require. Furthermore, the growing economic development makes this shortage more serious. The increasing number of plants is built everywhere which definitely consume more water to generate products. For example, the firm producing clothes need water to clean up before selling them. In addition, lots of plants emit polluted water to damage water sources and decrease the usable water to some extent. This tread is obvious in industrialized areas, such as in Guangzhou and Jiangsu provinces.

In order to make any improvements regarding the issue of water scarcity, a series of steps should be adopted. The most important one is to encourage people take all kinds of methods to reduce the consumption of water or promote any efficient water use. For example, water can be reserved to wash toilets after people water fruits and vegetables. If everyone reduce the usage of water a little bit, the number of water saved will be surprising for the whole year and everyone. Besides, move plants and residents to other places to avoid the further pollution to sources of water. In this way, safe water can be offered to people and reduce the shortage of fresh water.

To sum up, to solve the critical issue of water shortage, everyone should make his or her contribution to it. At the same time, the government should take effective measures to protect available water. Otherwise, water scarcity will significantly impact everyone’s life.

伯传贺 · 发表于 2011-10-25 15:08:05

the quick population expansion leads to more needs of water consumption even though everyone keeps the same amount of water usage, whereas the speed of discovering and exploiting new sources of fresh water is much slower which results in the shortage;

可以提污染：

Besides, enviromental pullution caused by human activities actually worsen the situation, water pullution is a good case in point. Millions tons of polluted water are discarged into fresh lakes tremendously destroying and decreasing the precious fresh water source people rely on.

coqdflv034 · 发表于 2011-10-26 00:54:49

你写的这几句话怎么读起来这么舒服呢，差距呀

sd383565 · 发表于 2011-10-26 05:35:45

the quick population expansion leads to more needs of water consumption even though everyone keeps the same amount of water usage, whereas the speed of discovering and exploiting new sources of fresh water is much slower which results in the shortage;

or：
The consistent increase in population leads to soaring demand of water resource. And thus water shortage is inevitable when total need outgrows the exploitation.

不过还是觉得没有ayanoo的那个好。一个根本原因，你说的是你的opinion，或者你的fact and example不够形象。而ayanoo的那个一看就知道在举例。
所以，语言不一定要停留在概括归纳的层次，除非是文章的结尾，那就很好了。

此外，改改ayanoo的句子，看看效果：
Besides, enviromental pullution caused by human activities actually worsen the situation, AND water pullution is a good case in point. Millions tons of polluted water discarged into fresh lakes ARE tremendously destroying and decreasing the precious fresh water source people rely on.
嘿嘿，加了一个and，把一个are的位置条换了一下，算是耍了一个小聪明吧。

coqdflv034 · 发表于 2011-10-26 09:18:53

一个根本原因，你说的是你的opinion，或者你的fact and example不够形象。而ayanoo的那个一看就知道在举例。
所以，语言不一定要停留在概括归纳的层次，
=======================
顶这句话，很犀利，一语中的。

[雅思杂谈] 大家看看，作文能得几分，主要问题在什么地方？

马上注册，结交更多同城好友，享用更多功能！

个人中心

[雅思杂谈] 大家看看， 作文能得几分，主要问题在什么地方？

马上注册，结交更多同城好友，享用更多功能！

个人中心

[雅思杂谈] 大家看看，作文能得几分，主要问题在什么地方？