g类大作文一篇练习，请指点。

zatiqlpmq · 发表于 2010-4-13 18:35:10

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上周G类的大作文：in some societies more and more people choose to live on their own,what reason for this,and is it a postive or negative trend?

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In some countries today, more and more people, especially many young men and women, begin to live on their own ability without help from their parents.

I think there are three reasons why they do this. Firstly, the grown children want to know more about the society without any strict regulars from their parents. So they can make decisions by themselves, such as whether they would take part in some social activities, or which type of clothes they could buy. Secondly, the telecommunication makes it is possible for them to keep touch with their families and friends without face to face. They can send an email to them to tell whatever they want, or they may have a video chat with their families on the internet thus they can see each other. Finally, there are more job opportunities waiting for them so that they can make a living by their hands. With their own salary, they can rent flats or buy laptops without their parents’ permission. They can live in a freely style.

Personally, I think there some advantages for people to live on their own. They can obtain more living experience so that they can become more social than those living on their families. Perhaps they can make more friends during living on their own. Furthermore, if they are frustrated by failure, they might revalue themselves and try to improve themselves again.

However, one thing must be pointed that the generation gap maybe widen than before when people live on their own ability because they might have not much time to communicate with their families. I hope both families and young people can take action to combat this situation to improve the family bonds.

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最后一段不知道该不该加，但是我的思维很自然地想到了写这些话，就是要表述一下live on own也有一些问题的。

请各位指点。

还有，审题也有不解，到底该不该侧重年轻人自力更生，还是各种类型的人、那样就很难写了。

谢谢。

苹果太阳花 · 发表于 2010-4-13 23:47:41

我也写了这篇，不过时间不够了，汗~~~
原因一，我写的是人们越来越关注隐私；
原因二，年轻人希望独立。

当然后面那两段也是必要的，因为题目中要你分析这个趋势的优劣，然后给出自己的观点。

但是我写的比较口水话，很直白，没有你这篇看起来正式点... 汗...

信关胡马冲 · 发表于 2010-4-14 04:31:37

随便评点一下哈，毕竟本人也不是专业，楼主就当看看玩好了。

首先声明，在审题上我就不做评点了，还是那句话，我不是专业的，不敢保证自己的审题就是对的，呵呵。

整篇文章在结构上是很好的，没有什么问题，对于楼主自己的疑虑，最后那段该不该加的问题，我觉得是应该加的。楼主对于positive or negative的论述方法是一面倒型的，也就是说一上来就已经点明了"I think there are some advantages for..."，这种结构最好在最后再加一点反面的论述，通篇就会显得比较客观，但是反面论述的论点不能太强烈以至于打乱了一面倒的结构，这一点上楼主这篇文章做的很好，正面观点有3个advantage，但是反面只是说了一点generation gap，可以说是很完美的。结构上应该能有7分。

在语法和词汇方面。。。文中有一些不大不小的语法错误，以及一些读着有些别扭的句子，而且用词比较普通，没有特别fancy的词汇，所以词汇语法上，楼主这篇文章应该是5.5到6分左右。。。

综合下来，这篇文章应该可以拿到6分到6.5分的，貌似楼主是IT的？那应该就能过关了，呵呵。

再次重申，我不是专业的哦，点评得不准不许骂我：）

bqtk6064 · 发表于 2010-4-14 10:02:19

我看到过51雅思上面关于这篇文章的评论，给我的感觉并不是侧重年轻人的独立，也可能是老年人的独居。
不过我想楼主这样写问题也不大咯。

zikao804 · 发表于 2010-4-14 20:24:27

In some countries today, more and more people, especially many young men and women, begin to live on their own ability without help from their parents.
第一段除了写现象之外是不是也可以适当滴加上作者的观点，然后二三段再展开呢？不然第一段总是感觉不太丰满，呵呵！

d5l0ir5w3 · 发表于 2010-4-14 21:25:14

I think there are three reasons（说不上什么好坏的，帮楼主换点单词吧，尽量注意单词多样性factors） why they do this. Firstly, the grown children want to know more about the society without any strict regulars from their parents. So（as a result;thus;therefore） they can make decisions by themselves, such as whether they would take part in some social activities, or which type of clothes they could buy. Secondly, the telecommunication makes it is possible for them to keep（in） touch with their families and friends without face to face（without face to face?怎么觉得怪怪的）. They can send an email to them to tell whatever they want, or they may have a video chat with their families on the internet thus they can see each other. Finally, there are more（abundant） job opportunities waiting for them so that they can make a living by their hands. With their own salary, they can rent flats or buy laptops without（这个词出现多次啦，换下句型吧） their parents’ permission. They can live in a freely style.