剑 9 作文求批改

nqdon · 发表于 2013-8-27 06:56:26

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IELTS-9-Academic-Test 1

Task 2

Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.

Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

----------------------

As there are more and more interactions between different countries, cultures and different languages nowadays, some experts believe that it is better if children could start learning a foreign language at elementary school rather than do so at secondary one, which could give the children more chances to succeed when they grow up.

It is unquestionably that the earlier the children were introduced to a foreign language, the more they were exposed to a bilingual environment. Consequently, the better chance they could develop the ability to think bilingually. With that background, they could undoubtedly learn the particular language to the advanced level more easily, and they shall manage to learn the other languages more efficiently than the children who were older when learning a foreign language. Thus they were guaranteed to take the lead when they eventually were in the competition with others in the labour market when they are grown-ups, because they can use the ability to gain more chances to create fortune for the employers.

On the other hand, the kids may get confused with the different callings of a certain thing before they actually get the sense that they were taught two languages at the same time. I came across a two and a half years old boy a couple days ago, who was talked to in English when he was with his mother, and in Chinese when his grandmother accompanied him, since he was born. He was unable to say a single complete sentence in English or in Chinese, whilst my son (the exactly same age with him, and talked to only in Chinese) can express his opinion in some good sentences in Chinese. It is definite that it would take the boy more time to fully understand and handle both English and Chinese.

To sum up, despite the tough days at the beginning, there are more benefits for the children’s future to begin learning a foreign language early.

nqdon · 发表于 2013-8-27 16:20:01

写完发现没扣题啊，题目说是小学和中学，我这搞成“幼儿学好还是更大学好”，感觉要悲剧啊
另，时态好象有点儿问题？
没啥牛比的词啊
感觉 6分都玄了。。。。还是去看范文的逻辑吧。。

另，写了 323 个词，这不是扯么。。。太臃肿了，一句话反复说的节奏？。。。

i1zhyuux6i · 发表于 2013-8-28 02:02:04

的确没扣题，5.5

nqdon · 发表于 2013-8-28 06:12:45

感谢格斗士~
你最近这次的结果要出来了没？

苟抚顺 · 发表于 2013-8-28 16:34:55

嗨，哇哈哈，我817又考了，周五看吧。但个人估计口语应该只有6.5。

nqdon · 发表于 2013-8-28 17:52:28

都不容易啊~ 跟丫死磕，事在人为

陈似太极拳 · 发表于 2013-8-28 23:55:26

本想改改LZ的作文，看到一半改不下去了。目测5分-5.5吧。

sd76hujoyc · 发表于 2013-8-29 08:36:44

楼主看你听力和口语的分数不错啊，你把剑桥雅思的作文全看一遍，好好学习下，然后参考人家的9分大作文的格式写，拿个6分绰绰有余。

wyfjz98951 · 发表于 2013-8-29 14:08:47

以下只是我个人一点看法，希望可以帮助
1. 开头段，建议把rather than do so at secondary one 直接写成rather than at secondary one。介词短语之间也可以比较。
2.    which could give the children more chances to succeed when they grow up. 这句有点指代不清楚，能误解成expert 的想法可以让小孩更成功而不是你想表达的在小学学外语。建议改成, thus giving children more chances to succeed when they grow up.
3. 应该是把foreign language introduce给children而不是children introduce 给foreign language
4. It is unquestionably that the earlier the children were introduced to a foreign language，为什么用were，貌似不是虚拟语气吧。我感觉这种还是用一般现在时比较好
5.    the more they were exposed to a bilingual environment. Consequently, the better chance they could develop the ability to think bilingually. 我觉得这里用  ; 代替Consequently更好。而且我记得Consequently后跟不好的结果。
6. they could undoubtedly learn the particular language to the advanced level more easily 建议改成it is undoubtedly  that they could more easily learn the particular language to the advanced level ， more easily这种副词应该尽量靠近要修饰的动词，避免造成修饰不清。
7. they shall manage to learn the other languages more efficiently than the children who were older when learning a foreign language 建议改成they shall learn other languages more efficiently than children learning a foreign language later
8. Thus they were guaranteed to take the lead when they eventually were in the competition with others in the labour market when they are grown-ups, because they can use the ability to gain more chances to create fortune for the employers. 建议改成Thus they secure  their lead when confronting with others in job hunting after growing up.
9. On the other hand, the kids may get confused with the different callings of a certain thing before they actually get the sense that they were taught two languages at the same time.建议改成 on the other hand, young  kids may get confused with the name of the same thing in bilingual environment in which they are too young to survive.
10.    I came across a two and a half years old boy  考试中不要用自己生活中的例子，这种例子没有说服力。建议举例时多用数据，权威机构调查结果和名人引用。
11. 最后一段，despite the tough days at the beginning, 你只是在前文中提到一个双语的孩子无法表清楚而不是他学习中有多tough，这个总结不好。
感觉5.5左右，可以看出LZ在努力使用长难句，但是还不能驾驭，反而使文章更加生涩难懂。不知道LZ目标是几分，如果是6分的话应该很容易实现，加油吧。

nqdon · 发表于 2013-8-29 20:32:13

恩，通片指代有问题，长句挫得很，TR跑偏最严重，这样看来各位给出的 5.5 应该是比较靠谱的，和我自己的估计（不到6分）也吻合。
有时，遇到合适的题目对考生来说也颇为不易，至少这个题目我很容易就跑偏。
看了此篇的范文，范文的论调是
改写：
传统上是从中学开始教外语，部分教育专家建议更早。这个建议已经有实践，结果有好有坏。
正：
1、小朋友比少年人更易学习语言，因为教什么学什么；
2、小学的作息时间更适合在玩儿中学习，保持学习的积极性。然后给出小孩们长大后会得到的好处。
反：
1、小学老师们可能教得不足够好。小学教得孩子们水平参差不齐就容易让他们在中学及以后的学习中将之前的积累磨灭掉。但是，这些都可以通过教育方式方法的调整解决（也侧面表明了作者的观点）
结论：
学习语言有好处，而学得早更好。小孩子们更容易学得好。

[雅思杂谈] 剑 9 作文求批改

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