谁能帮我批改一下大作文

了泛光灯都

花了差不多4个小时，一篇大作文总算是完成了，请大家帮我批改一下，多谢！

A balanced diet, or eating balanced meals, is the key to a healthy life. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer.



Nowadys, there are many changes in the eating habits along with the updating of living standards now. Yet, a balanced diet, as far as I am concerned, still plays a quite important role for people to have a healthy life.



Obviously, a balanced healthy diet can ensure people to obtain all the nutrients their bodies need in the right proportion. Different types of food provide different nutrients and therefore it is impossible for people to take all the necessary nutrients needed for good health and growth from one type of food. As a result, not only should the children eat a varied diet containing vegetables and meals during the whole period of their growth, the adults should also ensure the daily intake of nutrition with balanced eating habits. In that case, people would be physically strong enough to enjoy a healthy life.



Furthermore, the negative effects that an imbalanced diet could come about should not be ignored. For instance, due to frequently eating an imbalanced diet like fast-food containing more meals than fruits and vegetables, children would become more and more fat, which would put them to more inconveniences on study and outside activies. As a result, they would not enable to make their lives happier, even product more serious psychological problems.



In conclusion, it is very important for people to eat with a balanced diet. a good diet enable people to be more healthy enough to enjoy a pleasant life. On the contrary, there will be quite negative effects for people to eating imbalanced diet. Therefore, both parents and their children should have a varied diet so as to they can live happier.

大合集q2

最大的问题是整篇文章太空洞，那个词咋说来着？clichés？

楼主还是先练练在5分钟内打好中文的文章框架和内容提要吧。4小时写出来的东西，再怎么改也没用啊。。。

了泛光灯都

不是我不想，是我根本写不出来，或是说写出的来东西根本都没有改的必要，呵呵。

了泛光灯都

重写第一段：
Nowadays, along with the improvement of living standards, there are many changes in eating habits. More and more people, particularly children, prefer eating some food with an imbalaned nutrition such as fast-food, even junk food. A balanced diet, as far as I am concerned, still plays a quite important role for people to have a good life.
第二段的改写如下：
Obviously, eating balanced meals can ensure individuals to obtain all the nutrients in the right proportion. Different types of food provide different nutrients and therefore it is impossible to take all the necessary nutrition for a good health or growth from only one type of food. For instance, fruits and vegetables contain plenty of vitamins, while meats produce more fat and protein. As a result, not only should children eat with a varied food containing vegetables and meats during the whole period of their growth, the adults should also ensure the daily intake of nutrition by eating a quite traditional food. Only in this way could people keep fit so as to make their lives happier.

请大家再给看看，感觉各位同学的指导，比我自已闷头学几天收获还要多。
再次感谢楼上的几位！

孤独草81

感觉lz应该拿骗30分钟写出来的文章才有修改的价值。
4各小时写出来的代表不了到时候考场的水平。

qq骑着蚂蚁长征

如上面有人指出：
1) 总体来说，论点太空洞；词汇太单调；句子没必要的太长
2）有不少用词错误和语法错误。

就以你刚改的这段为例：
Nowadays, along with the updating (updating 这个词什么意思？应该用improving) of living standards, there are many changes in the （这个 the 应该去掉）eating habits. More and more people, particularly children, prefer to eat （prefer eating）some food with an imbalaned nutrition such as fast-food and even junk food (fast-food 和 junk food 不是并列关系， 不能用 and). A balanced diet like traditional food （traditional food 并不一定是 balanced diet, 没必要引入这个概念）, as far as I am concerned, still plays a quite important role for people to have a good life

[]

了泛光灯都

改了第一段，大家再给看看，后面的继续改ing

Nowadays, along with the updating of living standards, there are many changes in the eating habits. More and more people, particularly children, prefer to eat some food with an imbalaned nutrition such as fast-food and even junk food. A balanced diet like traditional food, as far as I am concerned, still plays a quite important role for people to have a good life.

了泛光灯都

楼上的太好了，非常感谢！
经过您的批改，发现差距真的好大啊～
继续努力～～～

alr1q2ci

大部分中国人喜欢写长句，复杂句，感觉没必要----某个教写作的鬼佬的看法

关注我们广安

我觉得你可以谈一下其他方面，例如充足的睡眠和适度的锻炼对身体健康也很重要，不要总是反复banlanced, inbalanced~
感觉你思路打不开，能写的东西太少。要得高分，好的idea还是很重要的，起码让文章看起来不那么空洞乏味
平时注意多阅读一些材料，丰富一下自己的idea