再求改雅思大作文，漫漫7分路

9e09168u

这篇写得慢，有一个小时了，不过字数总算是够了

The movement of people from agriculture areas to cities for work can cause serious problems in both places. What are the serious problems and how can these problems be solved?



answer:

In the 20th century, with modern technology such as machinery farming and genetic engineering being used, agriculture is much more efficient than ever. As a consequence of that, so many farmers are no longer needed and they have been forced to live and work in the cities, which is called the process of urbanization. This process has already been completed in most developed countries, but in some developing countries, enormous numbers of migrants are rushing into cities every year. It brought several detrimental effects to either urban areas or suburban areas, which deserve people’s greatest attention.



In the big cities, the upsurge of migrants from countryside may lead to local hostility because they are considered to be competitors in employment. Besides, urban people and suburban people have different views on many issues due to different background. These differences are responsible for most of conflicts between them. Moreover, suburban people who work in cities are usually low-paid as majority of them are not highly educated and they would find it very hard to lead a   sustainable and enjoyable life in cities. Consequently the crime rate among them is higher than normal urban people.



The departure of large quantity of people also caused severe problem in the countryside. Usually only the energetic young people can find a work in cities. As most of them could only support themselves in cities so their children are left behind with elder people. Finally, children will grow up with bad education and very few parenting.



I believe these problems pose tremendous threat to the stability of the society and government should not avoid the responsibility to solve it. Firstly, some free training course should be provided to the migrants to help them find a better job and get used to live in cities. Moreover, government should set up cheap schools for their children and support them financially. Then after one or two generations, these people will be assimilated to urban life.

燕嘴里的鱼

再看了一下, 要注意逻辑关系,结构,  保持简洁和完整的搭配
As a consequence of that,  of that根本不需要
forced to live and work, 要forced to move, 不要上来就live 和work, 逻辑上不通
which is called the process of urbanization, 这个多余,再改改或去掉, 而且不能叫process, process 更多说人发明出来的流程,有特定的目的, 这个是社会现象而已

This process has already been completed in most developed countries, but in some developing countries, enormous numbers of migrants are rushing into cities every year. 这句干脆别要了

In the big cities, the upsurge of migrants from countryside may lead to local hostility because they are considered to be competitors in employment.第二段中心句要先讲现实情况,如果这段要讲人和人之间的冲突的话, because后面的就不要拉,要接着阐述几个造成冲突的原因,  比如, 城市里面的人不太理解外来人口, 外来人口所受教育少, 素质低, 外来人口工资低,容易获得工作,造成城里人没工作, 要展开来写4到6句



Besides, urban people and suburban people have different views on many issues due to different background. These differences are responsible for most of conflicts between them. 第二句别要了,没有实际意义,


第三段第一句挺好, 然后要接着说农村的问题, 比如说农村人都走光了, 发展不起来,  几十年都没有变化,  生活水平得不到提高, 造成恶性循环,  然后说老人孩子都留在农村了, 没有人照顾,对家庭亲情有影响,


你要更加注意句子之间的承接, 包括意思上的连接
文章前后句意思间的跳跃不要太大, 有时候看似废话,其实连接了前后两个句子,读起来就不太唐突

总体感觉就是句子之间跳跃太大, 需要多展开来, 废话也可以.....

chqjrqql64

看看


雅思十天突破作文 系列 两本书吧, 还是不错的

黄金翼

第一段介绍太长了, 不要太多介绍原因, 稍微介绍一下就可以了,

二 三段还要再加强一下,要言之有物....

move 引起的问题要从大的着眼点, 比如说城市越来越大, 交通越来越拥挤, 城市infrastrucutre, 医院之类的跟不上, 接下来说压力太大,造成人和人关系紧张,这样字数容易上去

如果直接上来说大家之间的关系冲突有的唐突

词汇上没有太大问题, 注意注意结构就可以了....


当然,我也在努力奔7

rstwc990

楼主另外三项都很强啊。希望能略微分享点经验。

hh0y0kyge

雅思一窍不通。结构逻辑完全不明，只能看看语法表面上的。

TECHNOLOGY 用 INTRODUCED好点吧。
It brought several detrimental effects to either urban areas or suburban areas, which deserve people’s greatest attention.DESERVE应该DESERVES。
WORK这个词也是不可数的。
另外觉得CHEAP SCHOOL这个词不太对。也许是我没见过。

感觉楼主的"THE"用得比较便扭。不过说实话，这东西是仁者见仁的。没准是我的习惯不对。

8c22o46ko

本人还没考雅思，过来学习一下。不谈LZ的文章，想和大家分析一下这个题目。

The movement of people from agriculture areas to cities for work can cause serious problems in both places. What are the serious problems and how can these problems be solved?

关于这个命题，我的第一感觉是要high level的介绍一下背景，因为XXX原因，所以出现了YYY这种状况，带来了诸多问题。
接下来，我觉得应该把重点放到几个“serious problems”上面。可以先泛泛的说出现的一些问题，然后重点点出你认为比较严重的，2-3个即可，逐一分析：成因、现状、解决方案。（需要注意的是，要cover both places）
最后，总结一下，譬如虽然出现很多问题，但这是一个大势所趋，只要正确引导，总的来说还是好的……等等之类。

个人见解，说的不对，大伙尽管拍砖~~

[]

myzmc

不是一般的头重脚轻。
中心不突出。第一段没有中心。第二段中心分散。第三段等于无中心（泛泛的 bad or  good 不能构成中心句。）。

1841704675

感觉有点头重脚轻。。。。

基本同意X24

9e09168u

   多谢指正啊~~~小语法错误还是不断，想拿7分这可都是大忌啊

这里题目是分别要说在城市和乡下的坏处。。我就分两段说了，感觉这样清楚一点。
关于分段我看考官范文也没有一定的定数，主要目的是帮助考官阅读，理清逻辑吧。