为了第五次雅思,每天一篇作文求批改

eihks623

截止目前已经考过4次雅思了,前后准备也已经一年多,但是作文成绩没超过5.5分,眼看7.1大界将至,心急如焚,决定通过论坛的方式督促自己每天坚持练笔,离3月19号的第五次雅思仅剩19天,因此我决定每天写一篇贴到论坛来,希望各位前辈同仁帮忙修改指正.

这是第一篇,立帖明志. 希望大家多多帮忙,先谢过了.



Writing1(2011-02-27)

Some people tend to take temporary jobs (they only work for few month of year), for they have time to do other things. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.



In current society, an increasing number of people choose temporary jobs with an aim to enjoy their spare time as much as they can. Admittedly, temporary job can bring them more freedom, however, it also means risk in their daily life.



Temporary jobs are able to bring many advantages. Firstly, there are only several months need to work, therefore, the left time can be used to do anything they are pleased to do. Especially for the one who likes travelling can travel to anywhere he wants to go after earning enough money through the temporary job. Secondly, you never need to worry about whether this job suits you or not, because you will just stay here for a limited period. You will enjoy it if you like it, otherwise you just need bear to get travelling expenses before leaving here. Obviously, in this situation you are the real master of job.



Admittedly, the income of temporary job is less than the long-term one, especially in terms of bonus. Companies would like to pay higher bonus at the end of the year to encourage their employees for their hard-working and loyalty. On the other hand, the cost of training newcomers is so expensive and the business also needs to be developed continually. Therefore, at the same condition, it is more difficult for the one who prefer to temporary jobs to find a new job and to get a higher payment than others.



In my opinion, whether temporary jobs should be chosen surely depends on what kind of lifestyle you want to pursue. Different people have different perspectives, just like fish living in the sea and horse running on the pasture. You cannot make the fish live on the pasture, and you also cannot force the tiger to eat grass.



In conclusion, it is hard to say whether the merits of temporary jobs outnumber its demerit, and it depends on the personality and the character of a person.



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梦醒却是入梦时

I am looking forward to your reply.应改为I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.

eihks623

Writing19 [考前最后一篇了,明天一早赶赴济南,谢谢大家的帮忙.]  
You rented an apartment for a holiday last year and you are happy with it although there is a problem with it. You want to rent it again this year, write a letter about: 1. Why you are happy with it
2. What the problem is
3. Give information of the details and dates you required.
         
         
Dear Sir or Madam,


I am writing to seek accommodation from your company for my vacation.

Last year, I rented an apartment from your company, in which I had a great time. The room was so tidy, and the service was provided by the waiter was excellent. The waiters were well-trained, and they always knew what I needed and when the items should be sent to me. At the same time, they never interrupted the games which I played with my family. Therefore, considering the excellent service, I would like to rent the apartment again in two weeks.

However, there was a problem which annoyed me at night. It was the flags outside the front window. At night, the wind blew the flags, which could hit the glasses of the window. It made little sound, but at the quiet night, it really bothered me. Therefore, I hope you could move the flags more than 2 meters away from the windows.

I would like to reserve room 303, the same room as last year. I will take my wife go there with me in May 5th.

I am looking forward to receiving your replay. Thanks for your kind assistance.


Yours sincerely,

eihks623

分数不会高的原因在哪呢?
是表意不清楚和没有礼貌,还缺少惯用句子吗?
能不能具体的说说,最近练大作文挺多,但是书信还是不知道怎么写.

boby8bs

不过严肃的说，要是考试写成这样的信，分数不会高，我感觉
英文信，一是表意清楚，二是有礼貌
另外一定要用一些惯用句子。比如开头结尾。I am looking forward to your reply. 这句子就极其不地道

李家沟

这封信让我笑死了，哈哈哈后

长线晾衫

I admire your perpetual.
Your languages are more smoothly and easyto follow. I think you can get 6 or 6+ in the test.


It is a highly contentious issue that whether the merits ofcheaper flight ticket outweigh its demerits. Some people advocate that thewhole society would benefit a great deal from thesecheap tickets, while others argue that it could result in environmentalproblems ( degradation ) and depletion ofresources. In my opinion, I hold the viewpoint that itsbenefits outnumber its defects.

The situation of increasingly cheaper flight tickets continues to a variety of(various) favorable aspects. To begin with, it isgenerally believed that travel by air can save the time of travelling to otherplace., Especially for businessmen, (who) spend most of their time in having a businesstrip. Therefore, taking plane would help themsqueeze more time to accompany with their family.
Moreover, the widespread use of plane is responsible(helpful) for the development of economy. This is because an increasing number of peoplewould like to have a trip for its convenience, while it is more convenient to travel by plane.

Admittedly, the unfavorable consequence of overusing plane cannotbe ignored. First of all, it is a major cause of environmental pollution. Thewastes produced by aircraft is are growing more thanever before. For instance, it is even difficult to breathe in some of developedcities(this may not be caused by air plane, after all “developed”to illustrate county is not applicable on city). Secondly, this behavior can trigger the depletion of resources. The aircraftis powered by fuel, which is disposable resource.
The fuel consumptionof an aircraft is hundreds times than that of an ordinary vehicle. The airindustry can trigger the depletion of resources. The more we use now,the less we will have in the future.

In conclusion, although the undesirable aspects such as environmentalpollution, resource depletion are so serious, I still insist that theadvantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages.( you have a logical error. If the pollution is so serious, then you mustinsist that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages)


Inthis article, you mistake in weak argument of the advantages while illustratingthe adverse impact so strongly)

eihks623

Writing 18[2011.3.16] You are a passenger of an airline company and during the flight you feel extremely unsatisfactory to the service. Please write a Letter of Complaint to the company. In your letter, you should
1. Say how you are ignored
2. Give some suggestions to fix the problem
3. Tell the owner further action will be taken if this problem remains unsolved.


Dear Sir or Madam,


I am writing to complain about your service on the flight which I took last week.

I did not satisfy your service which is provided in your flight. I asked airhostesses to send me a cup of water, and they did not send it to me until I asked for five times. As you know, I need to take medicine before lunch time, so I have to get some water. Relating to deliver dinner, your airhostesses are so rude, that my package of food was broken. And I asked them to help me change another one. And I also wait more than half an hour. When I got the meal, the plane was preparing for landing. Therefore, I eat nothing during the flight.

I want to propose some advice to you, which I hope can help you to resolve the problem. First of all, the airhostesses are needed to be trained by some experts. This is because they need learn how to service their clients. Secondly, you should arrange some supervisors to monitor the behavior of airhostesses with an aim to improve the quality of service.

I hope you can apologize for your bad service to me, because I feel so unsatisfactory with your service. Otherwise, I will never take the flight of your company, and I also will tell my friends and colleagues never take your flights.

I am looking forward to your reply.



Yours Sincerely,

eihks623

Writing 17[2011.3.15] 消费者日
Travel by air is becoming cheaper and cheaper. Some people think it is beneficial, but other people think it has drawbacks to environment and the resoursed of the world. What is your opinion?


It is a high contentious issue that whether the merits of cheaper flight ticket outweigh its demerits. Some people advocate that the whole society would benefit a great deal from these cheap tickets, while others argue that it could result in environmental problems and depletion of resources. In my opinion, I hold the viewpoint that its benefits outnumber its defects.

The situation of increasingly cheaper flight tickets continues to a variety of favorable aspects. To begin with, it is generally believed that travel by air can save the time of travelling to other place. Especially for businessmen, they spend most of their time in having a business trip. Therefore, taking plane would help them squeeze more time to accompany with their family. Moreover, the widespread use of plane is responsible for the development of economy. This is because an increasing number of people would like to have a trip, while it is more convenient to travel by plane.

Admittedly, the unfavorable consequence of overusing plane cannot be ignored. First of all, it is a major cause of environmental pollution. The waste produced by aircraft is growing more than ever before. For instance, it is even difficult to breathe in some of developed cities. Secondly, this behavior can trigger the depletion of resources. The aircraft is powered by fuel, which is disposable resource. The more we use now, the less we will have in the future.

In conclusion, although the undesirable aspects such as environmental pollution, resource depletion are so serious, I still insist that the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages.

texn3131

Recently, research has show[n，低级语法错，大忌] that the time which children spend on[->in，回头复习下spend on 和 spend in的用法] watching TV is considerably more than ever before, [这里该断句了]on the contrary, they take[take应该指做什么事情需要多少花时间的意思，不是说某人花多少时间在什么事请上] less time to attend active or creative things[不用take又不要重复spend，这句话要大改了，(其实on the contrary放在这里也不好)，如：As a result, there would be less time for them to ...]. In this essay, I will try to analyze possible caused[词性不对，低级语法错] and then propose some feasible solutions.

The reasons which contribute to this situation are diverse. To begin with, the more colorful and attractive TV programs should be responsible for this problem. Since the diversity of programs is increasingly greater than before, teenagers would like to cost[用法同take，在这里也是不合适的。可以用spend，arrange，use等等] more time to watch TV instead of doing other activity[ies]. Moreover, it is a major cause that working parents do not have the[或者enough] time to accompany[或者用supervise] their children. Facing growingly fierce competition and tremendous stress in their work, therefore, parents have to pay more attention to their job instead of their children. Last but not least, lack of facilities which are used to provide for youngsters also results in the fact[the fact有点指代不清楚]. It is easy to understand the fact that parents prefer to let their children stat at home watching TV, rather than allowing they [to] play in the street.

Therefore, measures should be taken to combat these situations[->problems]. First of all, TV programs should be restricted, especially for these lacking educational content. Specifically, both parents and the government should pay more attention to [pay attention to后面应该接名词性的，整个这一句话语法很不通，像是chinglish] limit adolescents watch too much TV programs. Secondly, parents should be more aware of the future consequence of spending less time with their children. It is necessary to cultivate children’s sense of family; therefore, parents would better to squeeze time to accompany their children. Lastly, the government should sponsor more safe facilities for children which can be used to attend activities. [Then] Parents would not worry about the safety of their children when there are administers [who are，删掉，有些罗嗦了] responsible for their children.

In conclusion, a variety of reasons are responsible for this situation; therefore, we should take a range of measures, including programs restriction, more time accompanying children and more safe facilities.

低级语法错有一些，用词不够准确。整体论述感觉还行。

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