首次作文求狠批！！！拜托各位了

郭小鹏是猪

在localau看了几个精华帖，有恍然大悟的感觉，但是自己写起来依然不是那回事



雅思考了4,5次了，口语终于稳定在7以上，但是写作一直都是6.。。我都怀疑我是永远的6分了。。。



麻烦各位牛牛们帮我看看，到底要怎么改！



Some people think that it is better for children to begin to learn a foreign language at primary school than at secondary school. What is your opinion?



Acquiring a second language becomes a useful skill to most people today due to the increasing globalization. Thus it raises a question to the public that when should children start to learn another language. I suggest the children who learn a foreign language at elementary school will have more benefits than the ones at secondary school. 结尾这句省略句写的有没有问题？



Firstly, young kids have more time to focus on the study of a new language, compared with the older students. Students normally have more subjects to study when they finish primary school and enter into secondary. Take China as an example, pupils only have three main subjects, whilst high school students have six. Hence, children need to allocate their time to more tasks after they go to high school, leading to less time spent on studying a new language, which, by contrast, needs a lot of time to learn well.



Apart from that, it is easier for children to learn a foreign language when they are young because of their good memory. Research shows that the best period of people’s memory is between 10 to 15 years old. Generally speaking, learning language need recite a lot of materials including words, grammar and phrases. Thus, on this stage, primary school students have more advantages than their older competitors.

Admittedly, learning language is more than recitation, instead, it’s also about studying the culture behind that language. High school students usually have higher abilities on understanding, which is an important capability for culture studying. However, even students begin to learn a foreign language at their elementary school, they also could learn the culture when they start high school.



In conclusion, though it will never be too late to start to learn a second language, students start to learn it in elementary school will have more advantages than who start in secondary school.

爱他乡的龙儿

粗略看了下，简单的几点意见：
1。写作的风格口语化，不够书面。比如第一句里头的"due to"，我觉得可以换成since, as之类表示原因的词，当然句子就得调整，因为since, as后面接从句。又比如“thus"个人觉得也比较口语化，换成therefore, as a result 之类的比较书面些。还有其它的很多，自己要多斟酌。
2。词汇量不够。而且有小语法错误，包括the的用法这种比较基本的。
3。内容很单一。其实内容充实了词汇量自然会上去。内容太少，自己写的时候都觉得就那么几句话翻去翻来地说，那么词汇重复出现就多了，就容易给人单一的感觉。
4。我觉得你的作文只写了一层。就是说，题目问你primary school还是secondary school更好，你就只说了primary school好。其实我觉得应该这样写：
第一段提出你的观点，primary school学2nd language更好。
然后用2段阐明为什么primary school更好。这是第一层。
然后用1段写下当然primary school学也不是一点不利之处都没有的。相比来说，secondary school其实在某些方面也有positive的方面。 这是第二层。
最后用1段对你在第二层提出的问题提出你自己的解决的方法。这是第三层。
最后一段总结。
当然你要把握文章的主题，不能让你自己提出的第二层把第一层给搅乱了。
至于具体你的论据，只要你能自圆其说就可以，没有具体的对错的。
当然了，这样写作文对英语功底的要求是很高的。用词和句式，衔接都很重要。而且，你要有想法，要有内容可写。
这些，都是准备的时候需要积累的。

9304013cpk

单复数需要注意

张一要

我作文也只是考6分.

但是我发现,坛子里的<step by Step>很好, 就比如你的第二段,就缺少topic sentence... 还有一个,我觉得同时也应该注意下,小作文的写作.. 我觉得<十天突破雅思写作中的>每个图标一个段落，不是很好，应该要多用比较.. 其实,提高小作文比提高大作文容易很多，但是很多人都忽略了.

个人意见.

slfr7918

其实还是中式英语的问题。全文的思路就是很中国式的英语学习观点
其实LZ也注意到了，剑桥上的7分范文不见得用了多华丽的语法和吓人的词汇，但胜在地道。
这一点只有靠多读解决，切记是读真正的鬼子写的文章。

观点逻辑不论，遣词造句也有提升空间。尝试重写了一下第四段，文意不变：
Apart from that, it is easier for children to learn a foreign language when they are young because of their good memory. Research shows that the best period of people’s memory is between 10 to 15 years old. Generally speaking, learning language need recite a lot of materials including words, grammar and phrases. Thus, on this stage, primary school students have more advantages than their older competitors.
=》
Furthermore, children at early ages have the advantage of better memory, which benefits language learning. According to the researches this advantage peaks at age 10 to 15. Typical methods of improving second language skills may involve extensive memorization of vocabulary and grammatical paradigms, which could be performed much more efficiently by young learners than their high school counterparts.

[]

桃叶何渡

最后一段 你是想用students start to learn it in elementary school中的 students做主语对吧，我觉得加上“who”吧，不然看的好乱。。。
写作就是这样，有时候自己觉得写的很好了，老师给批改的啊，惨不忍睹。。。

我也就是不好意思把我被老师批改后的传上来给你们看
等有时间我找到了传上来大家一起学习
当时帮我批改的老师据说是批改雅思作文的老师

郭小鹏是猪

哈哈。。词汇从小到大都是我的硬伤。。。果然是很明显啊。。。
主动词汇实在太少了，总是想不起来要用。。。

剑桥的范文我也看了好几遍了，觉得也没很难的词或者句式，但是就是很顺，实在模仿不来，不知道怎么办啊！！！

郭小鹏是猪

多谢

嗯，以后会注意主语的问题

看了一下，确实没对比，不能用by contrast

最后一段只有一句，是不是我句子结构写错或者不清楚所以没看懂？


其实是有让步段的，但是因为后来看了小姨的结构，说让步段之后还要写一句however,所以现在结构也不是很清晰



哦哦，是哦，多谢多谢，当时是有在考虑这个问题，但是不太清楚


enter 和enter into有神马区别呢？

是taking,写的时候错了

谢谢~~

Thurceeffergo

教育类话题，剑桥里有的。。。肚子还疼，今天不爽。

vs6z8o3n8

老师强调过很多次不能出现第一人称，第二段的最后一句我觉得用＂as far as I am concerned，it is suggested that。。。＂

第三段最后一句的＂by contrast＂多余了吧？没看到对比

第四段第四行动词用needs
第五行应该是in this stage 吧？

最后一段第二局，想用短句做主语，但貌似写错了