目标7作文，听了大家意见后的新作，请指点！！！

5y3n5k9u93

花了一个多小时写的文章， 如果这个不到7，基本可以认为我就无力到7了。



上次贴了一个作文，感谢大家的回应，吸取了大家的宝贵意见。这次增加了短句子，使长短句结合。

题目的内容被paraphrase后写在文章中。

用了一些平常不太用的词，希望是所谓的band 7 words吧。呵呵

结构上也更注意，八股文体。呵呵。

共293字。



希望得到意见建议！！！！



task subject

Today more people are travelling than ever before.

Why is this the case?

What are the benefits of travelling for the traveller?



The number of travelers has been increasing significantly, and it seems this trend will continue for a long period of time. This essay attempts to discover the intrinsic reasons of this phenomenon and describe the various benefits of travelling.



The reasons for travelling to become so popular are many and varied. Firstly, it is widely acknowledged that travelling provides many benefits, and this is the fundamental factor for it to prevail. Secondly, with the economic growth and the development of international trade, people become wealthier and thus can afford travelling more frequently and farer. Thirdly, human beings are undertaking much bigger pressure than ever at workplace due to the intense competition and fast rhythm of modern society. There is high demand, therefore, for some effective methods for people to escape away from the daily chaos. Travelling is undoubtedly an applicable and useful approach. Finally, the use of internet promotes tourism. Many people now post their travelling experiences on the internet with awesome pictures and interesting stories, which can influence others strongly and generate followers.



Travelling offers both mental and physical benefits to its performers. From mental perspective, staying in a beautiful scenic spot enables people to forget about their daily troubles or pressures and give their minds a rest. Moreover, exposed to another lifestyle or culture, people on the road can definitely enrich their experiences and enlarge their perspective. As a return, they will understand the world and themselves more deeply and thoroughly. From physical point of view, it usually requires a large amount of walking while traveling, which helps with the health building.



As a summary, out of all sorts of reasons, many people nowadays are keen on journeys to other places and they earn a lot of advantages from this behavior.

5y3n5k9u93

多谢。确实是这几个论点有问题。第一个很傻，而且这几个论点还不在一个层面。要继续努力了。

8c22o46ko

整体过于平淡，难以为整体添色彩

aasnj9048f

好的地方就不多说了  我把个人认为的问题提下
主体段The reasons for travelling to become so popular are many and varied. Firstly, it is widely acknowledged that travelling provides many benefits, and this is the fundamental factor for it to prevail.  请问这总句和分论点一有什么不同？ 这个分论点一说得太宽阔了  要不就着重一点 哪怕是开阔眼界这样的俗套+例子做论证 也比只说 因为好处多多所以旅行 来得有分量  要不就干脆去掉  3个分论点也够用了

供参考

5y3n5k9u93

对！这样子就衔接上了。而且你提出的这四点明显的更有深度，更persuasive。看来我也得学习一下往大环境上靠。不能把自己旅游的原因照搬，而应该考虑到国际环境什么的。
太感谢了！这个点评太有用了。   

bphboj13bl

前面有同学评论说4个角度不同的论据，没有内在逻辑关系，结构会松散。

这个问题其实很好解决，就看你如何去写了，所谓的联系，都是人讲出来的嘛。比如按照我上面列的顺序，可以这么通过“逻辑”连接：

和平环境提供了经济发展和安全的环境（论据1），这两点为旅游业的发展提供了良好前提（然后开始讲论据2），而旅游业的发展对交通的发展提出了需求，而现代科技很好的满足了这个需求（展开论据3），人们于是有条件有能力通过旅游获得娱乐和见识（论据4）。

小艺艺

其实找一些比较客观且平实的论据，写起来也容易，也显得论据比较全面。
比如你第一段写了4点来说明人们旅行变多的原因。
1. 旅行有好处
2. 人们变得有钱了
3. 压力大，旅行可以减压 （这好像可以归入第一点）
4. 网络促进旅游业
这前3点，原因都是源于人。其实展开一点想，可以把原因拓宽到一些客观事实上去，比如：
1. 大部分地区在二战之后长期处于和平发展，提供了安全的旅行环境和经济基础(人民变得有钱可以是这里的子原因之一)
2. 旅游业作为第三产业蓬勃发展（这里可以把互联网的作用作为子原因之一，还可以写酒店业的发展，旅游业在某些国家成为支柱，等）
3. 现代科技提供了更经济更便捷更多样的交通方式
4. 人民更加意识到旅行的好处（娱乐减压，领略异国文化，开拓眼界和知识面）

你从这几点写的话，内容绝对充实，角度多样，而且描述事实比分析抽象的东西更容易遣词造句。

木偶-声音

Secondly, with the economic growth and the development of international trade, people become wealthier and thus can afford travelling more frequently and farer.

Secondly, the growing economy and booming international trade have brought people more wealth than ever, consequently necessitating the demand of frequent and long-distance travel.

5y3n5k9u93

我也觉得这句有问题。没想好再怎么说了。
怎么样能够更紧凑呢？论据之间衔接一下？

5y3n5k9u93

呵呵，刻意的，为了让人不费脑筋就能看出来结构。谢谢鼓励。