5月3号大作文求评分(12号考试）

寂寞灵魂在跳舞

Topic:、Some people think that to have a successful life you have to have university education, while others think it’s not that important. Discuss both views and give your opinion based on personal experience and knowledge.





In the modern society, the portion of people educated  by universities much overweight the number by other institutions. The reason of this phenomenon is because increasing parents believe  students must through achieving the bachelor degree in order to get a decent job. In my opinion, the main condition to start a successful life is not getting a certification from universities.

On the one hand, graduating from university can not ensure/guarantee the graduator will firmly success  in the future. Firstly, it is a common sense that not all successful people have a experience in university. By contrast, some of them even failed or quitted from colleagues. Furthermore, for example, while some genius with glory diploma are a mediocre person or even a loser, someone only with the high-school degree become successful entrepreneur. The successful story of Bill Gates,CEO of Microsoft ,is a good example. Therefore, it is obvious that education of university is not the prerequisite to success.

On the other hand, however, it is not to say that leveraging university education is not important. On the contrary, it is a kind of mature and advanced way by which people can not only be well educated but also find suitable approach to success.  That is because that people will be accepting diversified knowledge through the complete university education system which make up of proved scientific measures to cultivate individuals. For example, university students can choose their causes freely and have affluent academic resource like museums ,libraries and lectures. But what can those prefect facilities or resources provide can not be proved that it has the ability to foster  a successful people.



In conclusion, although university education is vital, people who want to get self-achievement also need painstaking working and learn a lot of social skills. Only by using the knowledge  practically in to working and society can people become successful.

InvoivaSini

1）This phenomenon is resulted from the common belief that a university degree is prerequisite for a decent job offer.
2) Managing to graduate does not necessarily secure a future career success for the graduate.

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pzhjy111

In the modern society, the portion of people educated  by universities much overweight the number by other institutions. (主语是the portion，第三人称单数，所以如果用overweight当动词，应用overweights。同时，感觉much overweight这个用法有些怪，overweight本身已经有了部分much的含义在里面)

The reason of this phenomenon is because increasing parents believe  students must through achieving the bachelor degree in order to get a decent job. （"the reason is because"这个写法在书面语言中很别扭，reason已经有了because的意思，所以一帮是“the reason is that +从句”。特意查到一个解释：http://languageandgrammar.com/2008/01/30/reason-is-because/，里面说“Reason is because is a redundancy”。后半部分，believe的宾语从句有点儿chinglish的味道。）

In my opinion, the main condition to start a successful life is not getting a certification from universities.（对这句的意思我觉得歧义比较大。翻译的结果是：以我的观点，开启一个成功的生活的主要条件是不取得一个大学文凭。这可能和作者要写的本意有出入了。）

On the one hand, graduating from university can not ensure/guarantee the graduator will firmly success  in the future. （ensure/guarantee，个人理解文章中你不要这么写，不如干脆就用guarantee一个词；graduator是个自造字，应该用graduate。success是名次，动词应该是succeed。发现楼主一个问题，宾语从句不喜欢加连词，感觉这里加上that在guarantee会使句子结构更清晰。）

Firstly, it is a common sense that not all successful people have a experience in university. (all people, 所以用experiences,或者the experience，或者the university study experiences)By contrast, some of them even failed or quitted from colleagues. （colleagues，词拼错了，成了同事。应为college。而且，college和uni的意思也是不一样的，一般uni要比college级别高些。其实可以用另外一个说法，higher education）

Furthermore, for example, while some genius with glory diploma are a mediocre person or even a loser, someone only with the high-school degree become successful entrepreneur. （前半句还是语法上的不一致，some genius不能a person。后半句也是someone是单数，要用becomes。而且，感觉with only比only with要通顺。而且，感觉整句的意思比较chinglish。）

The successful story of Bill Gates,CEO of Microsoft ,is a good example. Therefore, it is obvious that education of university is not the prerequisite to success. （这里successful和上句感觉重复了，可以换个词。education of university换成 university education好像更通顺。）

就先说这么多，完全是基于我自己的认识而评论的，一定有很多不对的地方，仅供参考。而且，这些建议多有吹毛求P之嫌，不要太放在心上。（感觉楼主有些用词比我当初考雅思强多了。不过对于一些语法，楼主还是要稍微注意一下。）

寂寞灵魂在跳舞

大侠，要是你怎么写

honey90320

现在语法上是通了,可是依然很艰涩啊.

寂寞灵魂在跳舞

嗯。
1）The reason of this phenomenon is that increasingly parents believe that,in order to obtain a decent job, students must achieve bachelor degree.
2)Graduatiing from university can not guarantee graduates will firmly succeed in the furture.

汗颜。。。

旁边小区

is there are ?
increasing parents?
will success?
graduator?
wingwing指出来的这两句，即使修改之后，依然让人触目惊心。
你能悍然写下这两句，说明LZ需要加强基础啊。

回复 #2 windwing00 的帖子
嗯，
1） The reason of this phonomenon is there are increasing parents believe that, in order to obtain a decent job,students must  achieve bachelor degree
2)第二句 有问题吗？我的理解是：
Graduating from university (主）can not guarantee( 谓语） graduator will firmly success in the furture( 宾语从句）

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寂寞灵魂在跳舞

嗯，应该加个that
Graduating from university (主）can not guarantee( 谓语）that graduator will firmly success in the furture( 宾语从句）

寂寞灵魂在跳舞

嗯，
1） The reason of this phonomenon is there are increasing parents believe that, in order to obtain a decent job,students must  achieve bachelor degree
2)第二句 有问题吗？我的理解是：
Graduating from university (主）can not guarantee( 谓语） graduator will firmly success in the furture( 宾语从句）

寂寞灵魂在跳舞

谢谢，逻辑不清看来是我最大的问题