writing rate

brusualse

大家能帮忙看看我写的这篇作文能拿6分吗？考的是g类的雅思，谢了



Some people believe a country will benefit greatly by a high percentage of young people go to university. others argue that it only leads to graduate unemployment. Discuss both and give your own opinion.



In present day society, education is playing significant roles in our lives. Whether the fact that increasing young people go to university will bring benefit or not has sparked much debate. Some people assert that a county will profit from that, while many others argue that it only leads to unemployment after graduation. As far as I am concerned, I am in favor of the former view.



The merits of this view are apparent. The development of a nation needs a host of talents in many fields. To start with, increasing elites, who get knowledge of science and engineering in campus, are required to contribute their ability to promote the development of technology. Learning in university is the one of effected way to enrich their academic experience. As a consequence, it will boost nation’s productivity and efficiency. The experience of the growth of China has revealed that, graduations from university played a pivotal role at the beginning of new china founded. Secondly, the students who learn the humanity and social science will promote the development of culture, which will enhance nation’s spiritual civilization. In addition, someone’s major is economy will raise nation’s economic ability after graduate.



Admittedly, some individuals cannot get employed after graduation, nevertheless, to be honest, that is because they just spent time in playing game and making fun, rather than learning. Meanwhile, the competition is seriously stiff, it is not realistic to find a job without enough abilities.



In a word, I would conceded that someone cannot get satisfied employment when they leave campus, despite that, the nation still need invest more effort in raising the percentage of young people go to university. At the same time, the government need take measures to generate more employment opportunities.

Exhauhgog

弱弱滴说LZ第二段结构有点失调，Secondly之前是段落的3/5，Secondly是1/5，In addition是1/5。
再弱弱滴说LZ的第三段有点跑题，这个题目是希望从整个社会影响的角度来说，LZ好歹说一点青年人失业会有啥影响嘛……

以上是个人观点，LZ不必较真。还有一个个人地观点是，其实6分还是满好拿的，别跑题，结构清晰合理，语法正确，然后来2，3个长复杂句，词汇量别太低就可以了。

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brusualse

月底考雅思，作文没有人改，心里没底，谢谢您的意见，把第3段改了一下，这样有6分了吗？

brusualse

Admittedly, some individuals cannot get employed after graduation, so they are overly dependent on their parents or society, it give country severe pressure and unemployment will make society unsafe and drive up crime rate. Nevertheless, to be honest, the fact that they graduate without job is because they just spent time in playing game and making fun, rather than learning during the period in university. Meanwhile, the competition is seriously stiff at present, it is not realistic to find a job without enough abilities.

iy9n5d9s2q

去英文版问吧。。。这边看的多是还没出去的小朋友，那边高手比较多。。。