再求改雅思大作文，漫漫7分路

9e09168u

这篇写得慢，有一个小时了，不过字数总算是够了

The movement of people from agriculture areas to cities for work can cause serious problems in both places. What are the serious problems and how can these problems be solved?



answer:

In the 20th century, with modern technology such as machinery farming and genetic engineering being used, agriculture is much more efficient than ever. As a consequence of that, so many farmers are no longer needed and they have been forced to live and work in the cities, which is called the process of urbanization. This process has already been completed in most developed countries, but in some developing countries, enormous numbers of migrants are rushing into cities every year. It brought several detrimental effects to either urban areas or suburban areas, which deserve people’s greatest attention.



In the big cities, the upsurge of migrants from countryside may lead to local hostility because they are considered to be competitors in employment. Besides, urban people and suburban people have different views on many issues due to different background. These differences are responsible for most of conflicts between them. Moreover, suburban people who work in cities are usually low-paid as majority of them are not highly educated and they would find it very hard to lead a   sustainable and enjoyable life in cities. Consequently the crime rate among them is higher than normal urban people.



The departure of large quantity of people also caused severe problem in the countryside. Usually only the energetic young people can find a work in cities. As most of them could only support themselves in cities so their children are left behind with elder people. Finally, children will grow up with bad education and very few parenting.



I believe these problems pose tremendous threat to the stability of the society and government should not avoid the responsibility to solve it. Firstly, some free training course should be provided to the migrants to help them find a better job and get used to live in cities. Moreover, government should set up cheap schools for their children and support them financially. Then after one or two generations, these people will be assimilated to urban life.

gtfnqjjd

俺考的是G类，几次都是6-7，水平不高，比这差远了。

9zynga8xe

你这不用说都7分啦

dvvc9428

本人作文水平有限,个人见解仅供参考
结构上我觉得这篇是个report形式的问题,按我以前看的很多范文来说,
是主体1段(也就是全文第二段)应该写各种问题,顺便提及原因,
主体2段,提出对策,结尾段做总结.但是lz把这个顺序顺延了,主体1,2段都写问题,结尾段写对策.想问问高手这样是一种常用的写法么?
其他挑几个小错.
much more -> increasingly?
enormous numbers of 有点重复?
severe problem -> severe problems
elder people -> elderly people
threat -> threats
bad education 挖苦?委婉一点好一些
avoid the responsibility -> shift responsibility?
training course -> training courses
get used to live ->get used to living

9e09168u

   多谢指正啊~~~小语法错误还是不断，想拿7分这可都是大忌啊

这里题目是分别要说在城市和乡下的坏处。。我就分两段说了，感觉这样清楚一点。
关于分段我看考官范文也没有一定的定数，主要目的是帮助考官阅读，理清逻辑吧。   

1841704675

感觉有点头重脚轻。。。。

基本同意X24

myzmc

不是一般的头重脚轻。
中心不突出。第一段没有中心。第二段中心分散。第三段等于无中心（泛泛的 bad or  good 不能构成中心句。）。

8c22o46ko

本人还没考雅思，过来学习一下。不谈LZ的文章，想和大家分析一下这个题目。

The movement of people from agriculture areas to cities for work can cause serious problems in both places. What are the serious problems and how can these problems be solved?

关于这个命题，我的第一感觉是要high level的介绍一下背景，因为XXX原因，所以出现了YYY这种状况，带来了诸多问题。
接下来，我觉得应该把重点放到几个“serious problems”上面。可以先泛泛的说出现的一些问题，然后重点点出你认为比较严重的，2-3个即可，逐一分析：成因、现状、解决方案。（需要注意的是，要cover both places）
最后，总结一下，譬如虽然出现很多问题，但这是一个大势所趋，只要正确引导，总的来说还是好的……等等之类。

个人见解，说的不对，大伙尽管拍砖~~

[]

hh0y0kyge

雅思一窍不通。结构逻辑完全不明，只能看看语法表面上的。

TECHNOLOGY 用 INTRODUCED好点吧。
It brought several detrimental effects to either urban areas or suburban areas, which deserve people’s greatest attention.DESERVE应该DESERVES。
WORK这个词也是不可数的。
另外觉得CHEAP SCHOOL这个词不太对。也许是我没见过。

感觉楼主的"THE"用得比较便扭。不过说实话，这东西是仁者见仁的。没准是我的习惯不对。

rstwc990

楼主另外三项都很强啊。希望能略微分享点经验。