第一篇大作文练习==

i8ze2s60 · 发表于 2010-4-1 21:54:27

俺本身也是作文小白一个，来凑个热闹吧~~就看了第二段，互相学习
In about a decade ago(ten years ago), studying and working overseas is seldomly（seldom） discussed in our daily life. However, (during) recent years, (we can see) more and more people are doing it. For me, serval days ago, I heard that one of my classmate in junior middle school migrate(have migrated) to Austrialia with her husband, and serval of my university classmates are (were) studying abroad in American and Singapore. Also, the increasing number of migrate (migration) and education agent (agents)in streets, can show the popularity of studying and working abroad
有些错别字，长句的结构不是很紧凑，另外听别人说写大作文最好用被动态~~
个人觉得这段的migration的例子和topic联系不是很紧密，不如直接说working~~个人意见，呵呵

1. 我查了一下，根本没有seldomly这个词。。。seldom本身是副词，我郁闷
2. 多用完成时态
3. migrate and education 明显不对称的句子也写得出来
4 时态和单复数乱啊
5 我也觉得联系不紧密。。。。可是又想不到有虾米可以写

i8ze2s60 · 发表于 2010-4-2 05:44:19

In about a decade ago, studying and working overseas is （用过去式）seldomly discussed in our daily life. However, during recent years, we can see more and more（这个用烂啦，请改用increasingly或者有更好的词我该写为we can see a vast amount of people leave their motherland to get education or jobs） people are doing it. For me（太简单咧，改成take me for instance）, serval days ago, I heard that one of my classmate in junior middle school（觉得有点怪怪的，是不是可以改成my middle school classmate，好像初中就是middle school，高中是high school，如果不能确定的挑自己肯定的写） migrate（不能用一般时啊） to Austrialia with her husband, and（这个词文章中已经出现好几次了，可以用别的连词，also\while\at the mean time等等替代） serval of my university classmates are studying abroad in American and（不能用and啦，要用or，不能即在美国又在新加坡...这个是中式英语） Singapore. Also, the increasing number of migrate and education agent in streets, can show（不要用can 吧，the increasing number of...shows...就可以了） the popularity of studying and working abroad.
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1. vast 只在听力里面听过，没自己用过。。。poor词汇量
2 这个junior Middle school 的说法好像是初中的时候英语老师教的。。。说着有点拗口，其实你说的对，不确定的不如说是小学同学或者就是同学。。。又不会查证。。。
3 需时刻提醒自己：多样性！
4 can 有点中式英语的意思。。。。摆脱中式英语吧

i8ze2s60 · 发表于 2010-4-2 17:31:32

When people work or study abroad, they bring with（这个用法有点奇怪） them（这个代词指啥呀，前面没有说清楚） the culture of their countries（我改写下they bring their own culture to the new places）. When they communicate and make friends with local people, the different culture exchanges with each other（呃...用exchanges不适当啊，楼主想表达的是交融？用blend好咧）. As in Shanghai, foreigners who work and live here are learning to use chopsticks while local people are having（不能用正在进行啊，这里用一般时就可以了） lunch in Papa John's. As（改改吧，表示因为的词好多啊例如：since） the increasing of exchangesbetween different culture, people all over the world are getting more and more（再次出现，楼主词汇量...多样性不足会得低分的哦） open minded（中间应该有'-'连接）, and having more concern on international events

1. they bring with them xxx 就是他们带着xxx的意思啊。。。难道不是这样的？
2. 啊，我不认识blend这个词啊，我是不是该买本词典来背啊
3.我太习惯用 be doing 来表达了。。。。这是为什么

i8ze2s60 · 发表于 2010-4-2 21:32:53

Besides the culture exchanges, techniqual（technique） exchanges between countries are very common now. Many companies have branches in foreign countries. And（这里不能用and啦，and是和前面意思并列的，这里明显没有这个关系） many people who study overseas choose to go back to work in their motherland. These help （to）improve the international technique exchanges. The latest technolodgy（么d的） will spread between （between是两者之间...但是spread又有传播的意思，感觉用through更好）countries in a short time.

1.错别字。。。还有several，我永远也写不对，罚写100次！
2.through听起来舒服多了

i8ze2s60 · 发表于 2010-4-2 21:50:49

Further more, advanced countries and developing countries are gathering around（around?together?） to discuss how to overcome golable（global） problems, such as climate, evenvironment protection etc. As time goes on（我只听过一首歌：as time goes by，呵呵）, there must（must 不好，改成should怎么样？） be more co-operation between countries

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1.gather around可以么，我用有道词典查了一下：Gather around：围着；聚集在...四周。所以，似乎可以吧？其实写的时候根本没有多想，脑子里蹦出来的是gather around就写gather around了。
2. 其实写下as time goes的时候我脑子空白了，不知道接哪个词，然后胡乱丢了一个觉得还算靠谱的 on 上去。有道词典查了一下，似乎 on 和by 都有，意思也都差不多。
3，should is better！

gqkq8689 · 发表于 2010-4-3 00:13:02

我在读语言学校时，我的写作老师是雅思考官，她曾经给我们讲，第一段一定要阐明你的观点直接点题。我认为在这个作文题目里：要求阐明越来越多的人海外学习或工作，将会有助于国际合作。LZ的第一段似乎只是对题目的重复，而没有概括出自己下面要怎么写。LZ应该再加一句，概括一下下面要阐述的两个方面，一个是促进文化交流，一个促进技术交流，通过这两个方面进而促进国际间的合作。
另外，最后一段应该再概括一下上面所写的。总的来说，就是总--分--总的结构安排布局。

i8ze2s60 · 发表于 2010-4-3 01:11:24

其实我想在第一段阐述直接观点的，可是我想不到什么好办法好句子能表达同样的意思。。。于是就把题目抄了一遍。。。
恩，第一段后部分改成：which has made the international co-operation，especially in culture and technical fields, more frequently. better?

大元yuan · 发表于 2010-4-3 04:13:34

I can only help you with your english. If I have to take into account the content, I would have rewritten your essay completely.
_________________________________________
Nowadays, the number of young people studying and working abroad has dramatically increased. This will undoubtedly lead to greater international co-operation. (Personally, I think this is too short to be a paragraph.)

In about a decade ago, studying and working overseas was hardly discussed in our daily life. However, we can see that this has become a hot topic in recent years. For instance, I head that one of my classmates in junior/middle/high school has migrated to Australia with her husband. Also, several of my university classmates are studying in America or Singapore. The increasing number of education agencies and migrants also shows the popularity of studying and working abroad.

When people work or study abroad, they bring in their own culture to the new country. They have the opportunities to meet and make friends with local people. They can share their culture with each other. As in shanghai, foreigners who work and live here learn to use chopsticks while local people have lunch in Papa John’s. (I don’t understand what you mean here.) As people share their culture, they will become more and more open-minded and pay more attention to international events/affairs.

Besides cultural exchange, technical exchange is also very common in many countries. Many companies have their branches in foreign countries. There are lots of people who study overseas and choose to return to their home country and they are able to help with international technical exchange. As a result, the latest technology will grow across countries in a short time.

Furthermore, developing and developed countries are gathering to discuss how to overcome global problems such as climate (change), environmental protection / protection of environment etc. As time goes by, we can expect that there will be greater co-operation across countries.

i8ze2s60 · 发表于 2010-4-3 06:36:16

哦，经你改过读起来舒服顺畅多了，However, we can see that this has become a hot topic in recent years，连接的真好啊。。。我说得好生硬

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汗颜，这篇文章立意太肤浅了，所以润色也只能是使它读起来顺滑一点。。。我今天早上一直在总结大家的评论，想完整的改一遍，可以越改我越觉得我根本没有读懂题意，所以我在查：到底什么是国际协作，文化交融和技术传播算国际协作吗？好像蛮勉强的，这样的话就根本是跑题作文。。。。

求ls “ I would have rewritten your essay completely.”，让我参考一下应该怎么去立意吧！

nmmx64wr · 发表于 2010-4-3 09:47:55

支持一下

[雅思杂谈] 第一篇大作文练习==

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