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11#
发表于 2010-4-2 17:29:47
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只看该作者
来自： INNA
作文小白来捧捧场，个人意见，供参考。同时也向高人学习
(In the present age,直接删去更简洁 )the issue of fashionable wearing is increasingly disturbing. some （people删） assert that fashionable wearing often turn(s) out to be markedly incompatible with our traditional cultures while （many删） others argue that it (fashionable wearing用it代替) stands for the passion of our life. To examine this controversial topic effectively, we need to consider the following aspects.
Convincing arguments can be made (that some individuals can benefit from 直接改成for)fashionable wearing. To start with, fashionable clothes enable us to obtain more opportunities in certain social events. e.g. Job interview, blind date, etc. （It is obvious that 删）the fair appearance （obviously）partly determine(s) the success of job application. Second, fashionable clothes afford pleasure and enjoyment to people. Young people usually go shopping with their friends and families at weekends; therefore fashionable wearing promotes the communication and interaction (between friends and family members这段话逻辑有问题，用and就增进的是朋友们和家人们之间的交流，而不是朋友们之间“或”家人们之间的交流，建议改成or；另外，感觉论据不能有利的支持论点). Lastly, it boosts the development of fashion industry and “marketing & sales”（为什么要加引号，看着很别扭，说不出为什么）. Specifically, some fashion related goods receive the same decent sales result, such as fashion magazines.
楼主写的还是很不错的，起码词汇量比较丰富，思路也很清晰，比我强多了，个人觉得，稍加润色，剔除模板痕迹 6.5+
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