谁能帮我批改一下大作文

了泛光灯都 · 发表于 2010-5-3 18:39:27

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花了差不多4个小时，一篇大作文总算是完成了，请大家帮我批改一下，多谢！

A balanced diet, or eating balanced meals, is the key to a healthy life. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer.

Nowadys, there are many changes in the eating habits along with the updating of living standards now. Yet, a balanced diet, as far as I am concerned, still plays a quite important role for people to have a healthy life.

Obviously, a balanced healthy diet can ensure people to obtain all the nutrients their bodies need in the right proportion. Different types of food provide different nutrients and therefore it is impossible for people to take all the necessary nutrients needed for good health and growth from one type of food. As a result, not only should the children eat a varied diet containing vegetables and meals during the whole period of their growth, the adults should also ensure the daily intake of nutrition with balanced eating habits. In that case, people would be physically strong enough to enjoy a healthy life.

Furthermore, the negative effects that an imbalanced diet could come about should not be ignored. For instance, due to frequently eating an imbalanced diet like fast-food containing more meals than fruits and vegetables, children would become more and more fat, which would put them to more inconveniences on study and outside activies. As a result, they would not enable to make their lives happier, even product more serious psychological problems.

In conclusion, it is very important for people to eat with a balanced diet. a good diet enable people to be more healthy enough to enjoy a pleasant life. On the contrary, there will be quite negative effects for people to eating imbalanced diet. Therefore, both parents and their children should have a varied diet so as to they can live happier.

8m0916n7 · 发表于 2010-5-3 19:45:09

结构蛮明确的。不过词汇变化不够。看到比较多的重复使用。句式，我不知道。应该可以吧。

打分我打不来。呵呵

其实可以上淘宝找母语的人批改一下。

bainazangao · 发表于 2010-5-3 21:43:31

看了一下，6分吧，请轻拍砖~~呵呵
有几个语法错误，楼主有意识的在使用长句，但总觉得有明显的英译汉的痕迹。

了泛光灯都 · 发表于 2010-5-3 23:20:03

能详细的指点一下吗？谢谢！

ctwp9919 · 发表于 2010-5-4 03:25:05

多使用一些西方人熟悉的食物分类和词汇，比如

meat, poultry, sea food, dairy products ...
nutritious value, nutritious content ...
carbohydrates, protein, calorie , cholesterol, unsaturated fat ...

上网找一篇相对比较专业的文章来读一下，补充一下词汇量，不要坐在家里干想。
还可以找 Supersize Me 或者 Food Inc. 来看一下，补充下 fast food 的反面教材。

不过我觉得你的文章看着特别空洞，是不是可以加进生活中自己身边的实例？
突出下个人观点也非常重要，不要管你的观点是不是100%正确，毕竟考的是写作。

[]

三木童子1983 · 发表于 2010-5-4 13:58:19

几点个人意见，个人理解，不一定正确，进攻参考，有不对的，也请楼下指正，讨论作文还是能使人进步很多的~~
Nowadys, there are many changes in the eating habits along with the updating of living standards (now删去). Yet, a balanced diet, as far as I am concerned, still plays a quite important role for people to have a healthy life.
1.可以考虑将along with 后面的成分前置，效果可能稍微好点；
2.个人觉得changes in eating habits不能严格的与a balanced diet构成转折关系，最好将changes in eating habits具体化，找出几个具体的unbalanced diet的同义替换，如junk food，fast food。

Obviously, a balanced healthy diet can ensure people to obtain all the nutrients( their bodies need不如直接删去) in （the right） proportion. Different types of food provide different nutrients and therefore it is impossible for people to take all the necessary nutrients （needed删） for good health and growth from （only）one type of food. As a result, not only should the children eat a varied diet containing vegetables and meals during the whole period of their growth, the adults should also ensure the daily intake of nutrition with （balanced eating habits）. In that case, people would be physically strong enough to enjoy a healthy life.

Furthermore, the negative effects that an imbalanced diet （could come about） should not be ignored. For instance, due to frequently eating an imbalanced diet like fast-food containing （more meals没太看懂是什么意思） than fruits and vegetables, children would become more and more fat, which would put（ them to ）more inconveniences on （their）study and outside activies. As a result, they would （not enable） to make their lives （happier）, even （product more） serious psychological problems.

In conclusion, it is very important for people to eat （with） a balanced diet. a good diet enable people to be （more healthy） enough to enjoy a pleasant life. （On the contrary没有构成对比）, there will be quite negative effects for people to eating imbalanced diet. Therefore, both parents and their children should have a varied diet so as to they can live happier.
1。全文多次出现了imbalanced diet， healthy， enough，enable，varied，楼主可以考虑用其他的词语表达。
2。部分长句有不必要的冗余成分，造成了可读性差。

关注我们广安 · 发表于 2010-5-4 21:09:37

我觉得你可以谈一下其他方面，例如充足的睡眠和适度的锻炼对身体健康也很重要，不要总是反复banlanced, inbalanced~
感觉你思路打不开，能写的东西太少。要得高分，好的idea还是很重要的，起码让文章看起来不那么空洞乏味
平时注意多阅读一些材料，丰富一下自己的idea

alr1q2ci · 发表于 2010-5-5 00:11:22

大部分中国人喜欢写长句，复杂句，感觉没必要----某个教写作的鬼佬的看法

了泛光灯都 · 发表于 2010-5-5 00:43:43

楼上的太好了，非常感谢！
经过您的批改，发现差距真的好大啊～
继续努力～～～

了泛光灯都 · 发表于 2010-5-5 07:48:49

改了第一段，大家再给看看，后面的继续改ing

Nowadays, along with the updating of living standards, there are many changes in the eating habits. More and more people, particularly children, prefer to eat some food with an imbalaned nutrition such as fast-food and even junk food. A balanced diet like traditional food, as far as I am concerned, still plays a quite important role for people to have a good life.

[雅思杂谈] 谁能帮我批改一下大作文

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