剑一g类小作文，求评分！够6吗？

annieyang · 发表于 2010-8-6 22:52:28

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吸取tx们意见，不断改进中。。此为最新版

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各位同学，我查了下overdrawn这个单词，原词是：

overdraft，n. 透支；透支额 vt. 透支

An overdraft occurs when withdrawals from a bank account exceed the available balance. In this situation a person is said to be "overdrawn".

变成 overdrawn后：

v. 透支；夸张；张拉过度（overdraw的过去分词）

adj. 1. 透支的2. 描述过分的，夸张的，夸大的

由此，之前把 overdrawn当成名词用是不对的，题目里是当过去分词用的。所以我把它们改成overdraft了。

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Dear Sir,

I would like to make a complaint about the bank statement I recently received from your bank. It states that I will be charged a $70 fee directly from my account for a $240 overdraft, which I believe is a mistake.

I'm sure that I have never spent this $240 for anything as I have checked all my shopping receipts from this month which I usually collect everytime when I buying something in case of any further confusing. Besides, as you may refer to my bank record, I have had this account for a few years now and have kept excellent records upon using it.

I am sure you will agree that this is a most unsatisfactory situation. Therefore, I hope you can investigate my complaint, and respond by the last day you have set for me to pay that $70. Or I will be insisting a full refund of that.

Yours sincerely,

Joe Jones

=======同样的题目，我家主申的作文【以下，已根据 clarkli 同学发来的整篇修改，大刀阔斧的修改过了！已经背离原著甚远。。。这篇分数应该高过6分了吧。。。经过clarkli同学的修改意见，把原来平实中文化的英语，变得学术了起来，膜拜~]

seatutselenly · 发表于 2010-8-7 05:33:01

可以试试发到Lang-8上。。。

annieyang · 发表于 2010-8-7 14:45:21

我来搜搜是哪块哦。。

哎，我之前看到一些同学的雅思经验贴，提到其它的雅思论坛，我跑去看了看。。。都非常不舒服，为什么freeoz可以维护得这么舒服的版面呢！
3g雅思网、太傻雅思论坛、滴答。。。这些地方充斥这广告和无用信息，版面很不舒服。。。我一点看不下去。。。。

所以，还是老实在这里了。

黑木熊熊 · 发表于 2010-8-7 22:05:47

Druing recent month, I have never spend this $240 anywhere.

单复数，时态。

annieyang · 发表于 2010-8-8 05:28:43

恩，应该用 spent

可以用recent month吗，我原意是想说最近的一个月。账单是按月出，所以我想说最近的一个月。

annieyang · 发表于 2010-8-8 06:36:25

我注册了。。。贴了，暂时还没有人帮我改。。。等着。。。。

不行了，准备回去拍淘宝上的改作文和口语。。。。

annieyang · 发表于 2010-8-8 14:11:38

5，很快。收到邮件，有人帮我改了。。学习中

annieyang · 发表于 2010-8-8 20:44:10

Dear Sir,

I wish to make a complaint about the bank statement I recently received from you. It stated that you will be charging【这样可以吗？】 me $70 directly from my account for $240 overdrawn. I believe there is a mistake.

I have had this bank account for a few years now and have kept good records upon using it. I have never spent this $240 for anything in recent months. I'm sure of it especially after I checked all my shopping receipts from this month. I usually collect all my shopping receipts, so if there is anying confusing I can refer to them.

I am sure you will agree that this is a most unsatisfactory situation. Therefore, I request you to investigate my complaint, and respond by the last day you have set for me to pay that $70. Or I will be insisting【这样可以吗？】 a full refund of that.

Yours sincerely,

Joe Jones

[]

秋水伊人o · 发表于 2010-8-9 00:16:34

建议LZ下次最好连题目一起放上来.

Dear Sir,

I wish to make a complaint about the bank statement I recently receivedfrom you. It stated that you will be charging【这样可以吗？】 me $70 directlyfrom my account for $240 overdrawn. I believe there is a mistake.

1.wish-->礼貌点的用would like to,语气直接的就用want
2.make ---> lodge
3.from you -->from your bank
4. It stated-->It states
5. It states that I was charged with a $70 fee for a $240 overdrawn.
6. 需要在第二句和最后一句间加连接词,这样语意会顺一点.

I have had this bank account for a few years now and have kept goodrecords upon using it. I have never spent this $240 for anything inrecent months. I'm sure of it especially after I checked all myshopping receipts from this month. I usually collect all my shoppingreceipts, so if there is anying confusing I can refer to them.

1.这一段有点乱,应该一开始就讲问题出在哪里.这样与上一段就接上了.然后再讲你的证据有多么可信.
2.第二句放在第一句前
3.have kept good records upon using it ---> have kept detailed records of all my banking activities.
4.第二句需要调整,语意表达比较不清.
5第三句开始就比较乱了.

I am sure you will agree that this is a most unsatisfactory situation.Therefore, I request you to investigate my complaint, and respond bythe last day you have set for me to pay that $70. Or I will beinsisting【这样可以吗？】 a full refund of that.

1.LZ的语气时弱时强,需要统一一下. 这段的语气太硬了.

Yours sincerely,

Joe Jones

LZ的写作语法错误不多,但语意比较不清晰,段与段之间,句与句之间结构比较松.另外,投诉的语气(特别是最后一段)有点过硬了.

开心就好WH · 发表于 2010-8-9 10:43:43

I have found the records during last two months（这句好奇怪...为啥用完成时） queried from the bank's website show obviously that my account has never been overdrawn, so does the online book store.

[雅思杂谈] 剑一g类小作文，求评分！够6吗？

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