我也来献丑大作文猛拍

zyjkp · 发表于 2010-9-1 08:52:11

开头不大好，如果没有新东西写的话，句式最好倒腾一下，不要与题目一致。
比如： Change is often considered to be an effective measure to improve people's life, but it is not always the case, because in fact change sometimes brings disasters to originally peaceful life. This essay will argue that change means risk, which not only may bring profits but also lead to crisis.

还有第二段，Firstly, searching for a new job can earn more money.
这句话是逻辑上不通的，老外对这个似乎很注意，要留意加上often 或者 sometimes之类的修饰吧。
下面没咋看。。。

明飞巧 · 发表于 2010-9-1 13:43:35

我估计是：
Task Response 5
Coherence and Cohesion 5.5
Lexical Resource 5
Grammatical Range and Accuracy 5
Overall 5

杭空亩见 · 发表于 2010-9-1 22:31:28

switch careers 可以作为一个 topic sentence, 如果全文都这样写会不会跑题了？结构再好些，支持句紧些，论证好像不是很有力啊。

爱尔兰香槟 · 发表于 2010-9-2 09:38:25

我考试经验有限，我就提点小意见。

我觉得这篇essy从结构上来说，感觉很顺溜，没有太多的复杂句式和辞藻，但是意思表达的比较丰满，感觉可读性比较强。

文章的起承转合处理的比较规矩，但是有一点需要注意，有些太老套的表述。上面有人也提到了，不赘述。

如果在细节方面多加润色，是个很好的作文了。下面我就给几点拙见，仅供参考。
1. According to a （限定性的比如网络调研，社会科学研究。。。）survey, 90 percent（限定性的比如大概啊，up to等等，因为这个都是咱们自己编的么，别说那么太肯定了） of people who want to change their occupation are not satisfied with current salary. 这个句子可以改成一个因果的句式，比如调查显示90%的人想跳槽，其中最主要的原因就是为了获取更高薪水。

2. That is why people really should consider carefully about this thing （这个句子用this thing结束，太生硬了。是不是可以加进一些关于情景的时间状语的句子呢，比如when they want to...,或者before a person/ an individual make his resignment decision）.

3. All in all, every coin has two sides.这个是个败笔，太老套了。还不如说中国古语云：鱼肉和熊掌不可兼得呢。论语里说的似乎是。昨天听BBC里面有个词coexist（原话好像说的是：modern human being must find a way to coexist with natural environments）, 你就说risks and opportunities coexist呢。

[]

fdkc2czzt · 发表于 2010-9-2 17:07:06

Nowadays, many people have changed their old conception of working.They will never spend their lives doing the same things while othersstill keep no change. In my opinion, change is a good thing but it isnot suitable for everyone.

1. conception ---> concept
2.将第二句的前半改为定语,如Rather than spending......they ........, 这样就可以与第一句接上了.
3.开头段太简单, 没有足够的background来应题.

On the one side, people can get benefits from changing their jobs.Firstly, searching for a new job can earn more money. People alwayspursue wealth which is their first target for working. According to asurvey, 90 percent of people who want to change their occupation arenot satisfied with current salary. Secondly, people will be lazy ifthey keep stay in a same place. A new environment will encourage themto express their potential ability. Last but not least, new workingopportunity enable employees to study new technology to enrich theirknowledge which will promote the skill level of the workers.

1.on the one side ---> on the one hand
2. 第一段没有讲清楚工作变换,但是这段一开头就讲,所以语意上出现连接问题.
3.文段中的论据松散,并不能很好地论证论点(文段的第一句).给人以只是在罗列理由而已.点与点之间没有什么连接.
4.第二句语意不清晰.
5.第三句过于绝对,只能讲some people.
6.occupation-->职业,所以转工不等于转职业.
7.keep stay -->keep staying
8. in a same place --> in the same place
9. potential ability --> potentials
10. Last but not least --> Last but not the least, 另外此短语一般于文章结尾用.
11. opportunity  enable --> opportunities enable
12.总体上不少语句不是很通顺.

On the other side, people should not change their job indiscriminatelybecause they should consider some issues. In the first place, peopleneed to get accustomed to a new system which means new employee to thenew company. No one in the company will treat you as professionalworker as before. In their eyes, you just a new colleague who can becommanded by anyone. In the second place, if you are a frequentjob-hopping, the company will suspicious your loyalty and integrity.For instance, if a candidate have never worked for a company more thanone year, definitely, the interviewer of the new company will refuseyour application. Finally, people should consider more about jobchanging  especially if they have married. Although money is important,stable of life is more significant. Changing a job means a challenge,it may be failed. At that time, the whole family will tied by thepressure of unemployment. That is why people really should considercarefully about this thing.

1.On the other side --> On the other hand
2. some  太弱 -->following
3.第二句,后半语句有问题
4.第三,四句不合理
5.job-hopping--job--hopper
6.suspicius -->suspect,其实suspect用得不当,应用have doubts in your
7.have --> has
8. more than one year --> for more than one year
9.删definitely
10. 删of the new company
11.在第五句application  后加  based on ......
12. 第六句与论点矛盾.
13. stable --> stability
14.段落语句结构性很低,点与点之间没什么连接以至于论据没什么力度.LZ可以搜搜以前论坛一些同学的作文作为参考.

All in all, every coin has two sides. Even though changing a job willencounter some risks, people will be gain more through job-hopping ifthey can make a serious consideration before they make decisions.

1. All in all ---> In all
2.will be gain --> will gain
3.由于前面论点没摆好,这段没有办法总结全文,所以也没有呼应到第一段.

总体上LZ与文章结构,段落结构都需要下功夫.另外,还有一些基本的语法.应该多在从句上花时间.

clfvs · 发表于 2010-9-2 22:11:07

考题出的是change，LZ 讲的是change jobs。是不是跑题了？

uybripe59 · 发表于 2010-9-2 23:22:08

我也感觉偏题了，如果要写change job, 也应该先把题中的change释义一下，在众多的change中选用job来展开，这样才勉强可以，不过有被考官认为套题的嫌疑，到6是有难度的。
这个题比较大，其实不太好写。当然，对于语言功底好的，发挥空间更大，建议LZ再构思下，还是值得的。

4p9e3043 · 发表于 2010-9-3 03:16:00

不晓得是不是与厌烦武术套路表演同理，我觉得这样的文章套路看得好乏味。

hunjiesuohrb.cn · 发表于 2010-9-3 06:08:27

写议论文，建议读读原版托马斯潘恩的常识，不需要写出那样高档的文字，但是真的对思路启发很大。

天生小小小虫 · 发表于 2010-9-3 06:57:05

刚好练习的作文和楼主同样题目。也放上来，求大家狠批！

Since the dawn of the 21st century, we human beings are experiencing various changes, social and technological, in every aspect of our lives. However, the debate over the pros and cons of changes is still representative of the type of questions raised regarding how changes may affect people and modern society. Though some people avoid changes and try to live a routine life, I believe the positive effects of changes far outweigh its negative ones.
Convincing argument can be made that we can benefit a lot from changes. First, changes are inevitable and necessary for social revolutions and evolutions of human beings. If our ancestors had not changed their hunting lifestyle and not settled down to farm, we would probably still live in caves. If the British in the 1860s had not embraced changes and made the 1st step of industrial revolution, mass production would still be a dream today. If cars and aero planes had not been invented, we perhaps would never be able to imagine how things were like on the other side of the planet, let alone globalization. Such instances can be countless.
Moreover, changes can bring about opportunities. In history every social change was followed by new job vacancies and new professions. It is only possible for people who can take the chance to improve their living conditions or achieve their ultimate goals. Take the CEO of Apple for example. If Steve Jobs had never dropped out from college and taken the first bite off the apple, he would probably just be an ordinary person instead of one of the most successful businessmen and legendary icons. Also, changes can afford us with amusements and keep us from getting bored. For people living everyday life like a routine transaction, the enthusiasm and passion inside them would soon die out, or even never exist, which might lead to serious psychological problems such as depression.
Granted, changes may carry some risks, since there are good changes and bad ones too, like natural catastrophes and financial crisis. Some argue that people might lose their jobs or even their lives due to those evil changes. However, with modern technology we are increasingly better able to cope with those kinds of problems.
To conclude, even though sometimes changes may have negative influences on people and the society, some of which cannot be neglected, I still believe that their positive effects are more noteworthy.

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