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[雅思杂谈] 最近的2篇拙作,求猛拍~ 求人身攻击

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楼主
发表于 2010-9-3 14:17:58 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式 来自: INNA

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Criminals should not be sent to prison. They should be given education and training instead. To what extent you agree ?



Nowadays, many human rights activists argue that criminals should be given education and training instead of sending them to jail. Personally, I think there two aspects are not contradicted to each other. Prisoners can get good education in the prison, which constrain their freedom according to the law.



Criminals should be locked prisons as a consequence of what they have done to the victims. They have violated others interests, hence they should be deprived of freedom. What a huge disaster if they are still walking outside of the jails. Firstly, victims and their family will be hurt again if they know the criminals are get rid of the punishment, and also the safe of witness cannot be guaranteed. No one can bear that the person who used to hurt him still live a peaceful life, just like nothing happened. Secondly, only sending criminals to prison can make a good effort to warn individuals who want to commit a crime later. The strict laws and regulations can keep the society safe and stable. Thirdly, the prisons provide an opportunity to criminals to rescure themselves through hard working. As we know, many criminals dislike working which contribute to their later crimes. Without the temptations from the outside world, prisoners can rebuild their characters and atone for their crimes.



Admittedly, we should think more about the criminals' future life when they are free. If they have no ability to live in society, apparently  they will do crimes again. According to a survey, because of poor adaptation to environment, approximately 46 percent of criminals  are sent to jails for more than twice. The government should let the prisoners learn some useful practical skills and basic education in jail, which is a good way to lower the potential crimes rate.



In conclusion, a person who commit a crime mush be sent to prison as  a punishment. If not, this will be a real harm to human rights not only the victims but also the whole society. However, it is not contradict to teach criminals some basic knowledges and skills for survive purpose and I think the city will be more safe if more criminals remould themselves in prisons.



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Many old buildings are protected because they are part of a nation's history. However, some people think they should be destroyed to make way for new ones. To what extent do you agree or disagree?





Nowadays, with the processing of urbanization, many old buildings are facing big problems. Some people think old buildings should be protected as a part of a country's history while others insist that they should be replaced by new ones. In my opinion, I am in favour of the former.



On the one hand, the preservation of old buildings has significant meaning to citizens. Firstly, these buildings represent the nation's history and culture, which we can enrich our knowledge. Teachers can motivate the youngsters' interesting in history through background stories of old buildings. As we said, remember the past, it will guild you the future. Secondly, the structures of the old houses still have value to research by modern architect. For instance, the famous architect Brown.H.Raymond says 64 percent of this modern designs are refer to the predecessors's design, which were lived about 200 years ago. Additionally, the government can gain more money by developing historical relics. Many tourists willing to visit a place with historical houses, which can promote the cultural communication and interaction between tourists and local residents.



On the other hand, not all the old buildings are worth preserving and government have not enough money to retain all of them. If a building has no conservation value and it is located on the future highway, under this circumstance this building must be destroyed. Moreover, many old buildings are made of materials such as wooden and paper, which are easy to catch fire. These buildings pose a potential threat to the safety of city. Therefore, it is a technical problem to decide which building should be saved.



In conclusion, although some old buildings really should be destroyed because of the urbanization of the city. We still need to preserve most of historical relics as their irreplaceable position in history education and architect research.



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沙发
发表于 2010-9-3 15:44:09 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


Nowadays, many human rights activists argue that criminals should be given education and training instead of sending them to jail.  
instead of 前后语态,前面被动,后面主动。


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板凳
发表于 2010-9-3 22:26:02 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


5分。最多给 5.5

最大的问题: 文章结构缺陷。头重脚轻。观点不明确
其次:       还是结构,段落结构不平衡。
第三:       反复使用题目单词。要知道题目出现过的单词,再用是不得分的。
第四:       语法。 长句不少,可是用法不见得正确。 要知道,一个简单的完整正确句子要比一个错误的复杂长句强很多。因为正确的句子至少能得分而不会扣分。  
建议:
1。把两篇文章首段重写。第一段要包括  问题介绍,个人总体观点,以下各段的讨论方向。最后一段也重写。 总结句要明确看出你是在总结。基本要素:总观点,分观点回顾。
Prisoners can get good education in the prison, which constrain their freedom according to the law。 观点模糊不清。考官在超级短的时间内审核一篇文章。他们可不会喜欢需要花时间才能领悟出观点来的文章。
2。一个段落不要出现多于一个观点。要不就写  2+1  格式。2个主观点。1个反观点。
3。重审你的每个句子是否结构完整,语法要素充分。比如:
Personally, I think there two aspects are not contradicted to each other.
哪怕是口语考试,句子结构不完整也是不得分的。这点跟电影里面或者平时实际对话的要求是不一样的。

[]


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地板
发表于 2010-9-3 22:56:26 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


看咪咪花了这么大力气求拍,我破例看第一段(因为我这水平平时确实不敢评论别人的文章)
I think there two aspects are not contradicted to each other.
最好改成 I do not think there two aspects are contradicted to each other.

Prisoners can get good education in the prison.感觉用被动语态好


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5#
发表于 2010-9-4 08:16:52 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA



觉得应该改成:I think there are two aspects which are not contradicted to each other.


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6#
 楼主| 发表于 2010-9-4 16:24:52 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


最近写的有点晕糊糊的  越来越晕  
我是想写成2边的观点都支持一点的那种类型 ~


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7#
发表于 2010-9-4 23:49:20 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


可是第一个题目里的两个事情并不是完全对立的啊。这种情况下写成两边倒会很麻烦的。
不如一开始就自己提出一个确定的论点比较好。


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8#
发表于 2010-9-5 09:56:08 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


还是一边倒比较好,我个人觉得


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9#
发表于 2010-9-5 17:51:20 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


我也是觉得一边倒比较有力一些,在大家的词汇量和句子结构很难快速提高的前提下,不如让文章有良好的结构和论证。


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10#
发表于 2010-9-5 22:03:52 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA





既然写的很晕那建议不要再盲目写了。   现在是时候坐下来,拿出以前写过的文章,自己给自己修改。总结一下自己的问题。这样才不会像盲苍蝇。

对于新的题目,如果是同类型(已经写过的), 思考一下观点和词汇就足够了。

否则盲目写,不总结,不但没有提高,而且越写越恶心。


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