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73#
发表于 2010-6-9 08:52:11
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只看该作者
来自： INNA
With the fast development of modern technology, the concerns over thefading-away of the traditional skills and life style have risen. Moreand more people argue that we should try the best to protect and keepthem alive. However leaving the decision to the history may be a betterchoice.
1.一般来讲,第一段是要扣题的,也就是要呼应题目,但不能把题目简单的重复一遍,甚至是抄一遍 (这个在雅思的marking scheme有).最简单的扣题方式就是background然后引入题目.LZ有尝试,但不具体,建议第一句略略地讲一下在科技的高速发展下传统技术面临的挑战等,然后引入题目.
2. LZ于the的用法要注意
3.With the fast development --> With fast developments
4. the concerns 删去the
5.fading-away? 改成 the future of .....
6.其实第一句后半句应做适当的调整,如, the future of traditional skills and life style has raised concerns amongst a lot people.
7. 第二句前加时间,如 These days.
8. the best --> our best
9. keep them alive 的 them指代不清应改为 the traditional skills
10. 第三句应表达你同意/不同意的程度,这也是题目问的.
It’s true that those conventional skills and old life style have beenlasting for centuries. To some extent, they have become part of ourculture and hard to abandon. Some of them, for example travelling byhorse wagon, compared with the modern techniques, such as car, are moreenvironment-friendly. In addition, some of the unique skills, likethose in arts, are not replaceable by machine.
1.由于第一段没有亮出观点,这段一开始就接不上上文了.
2.不要随便用true/false, 语气过于肯定.
3.段落的第一句一般为中心句,然后用后面的句子做support, LZ的开头句观点不强,后面是很难展开的.
4.雅思写作,即使是G类也要求一定的academic English, 不要用过于口语化,语气不明显的词/句, 如to some extent.
5.第三句: 删some of them,直接用, For example 开头. 另外观点有点牵强
6.总体上因观点不清晰,supporting evidence 过于牵强.
Despite of all the mentioned advantages, we cannot deny their negativeeffects. Traditional skills and way of life are usually slow. They’retime consuming and not cost –effective. That’s the key reason why theycannot beat the new technology in the competition. The history tells usthat advanced technology drives away the elementary one is a naturalprocess. Iron tools replaced the stone one; architecture made peoplemove from the cave to house; with paper, we don’t need to write onleaves anymore; telephone facilitate the live talk with a personthousands miles away. The replacement is a fate and not avoidable. Inanother word, this is the civilization where only stronger survives.
1.LZ明显地想用比较的手法来做讨论,但由于第二段没有清晰地指出传统技术的优点,这段开头牵强了.
2.第二句语句有问题,应先讲tranditional skills费时,所以导致传统的生活模式效率不高. 后面就可以就此来谈了.
3.Academic writing 不要随便用缩写, they're --> they are
4.and 后加一个 are
5.第四,五句可以改为: As a result, traditional skills and the corresponding way of life are eliminated through the evolution of the society; while morden technology, which increases the efficiency of living, are favoured.
6.后面的开始乱了.
To conclude the debate, I believe that history will make the rightchoice. Only those that stand the test of time can escape the fate ofdying out.
人家问的是你的观点,但你整天都讲历史会怎样,这不大符合西方人写作逻辑.他们写这种文章比较直接,审批看你这样写会搞不清你想讲什么的.所以,一定要清晰地表明自己的观点,不要迂回.
总结:
LZ观点不清晰以至很多时候写作展不开,supporting evidence过于牵强.文章结构看得出大体, 但段与段之间的连接不明显,往往过于唐突. 语段结构需要下电功夫.句子结构一般,可以适当地适用一些从句,或起转接/连接作用的短语来使句与句之间的语意连贯起来.词语的应用,及一些简单的语法需要提高(上面的修改没有改到这么细.请LZ要自己慢慢斟酌)
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