继续求拍大作文

pkmhl · 发表于 2010-9-5 16:25:55

马上注册，结交更多同城好友，享用更多功能！

您需要登录才可以下载或查看，没有帐号？立即注册

x

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In present-day society, many people live a stressful live because of the stiff competition in the workplace. Some people want to cultivate their children with a sense of competition to adapt to the future life while others propose that children should be taught to co-operate instead of competing. Personally, I believe both competition and cooperation are indispensable parts for a child grow to a useful adult.

On the one hand, sense of competition can make a child more independent and ambitious. Firstly, many children are spoiled by their parents nowadays, and the schooling and parenting should change this phenomenon. Through the competition in the school, children can be taught that without the help of their parents still can they achieve something. Secondly, the feeling of winner in a competition can motivate children's ability of explore. They eager to win others in next campaign, which mould their strengthen character. On the contrary, the loser will look back his drawbacks and make a conclusion. We all believe that a person who has self-question ability will be successful in his career.

On the other hand, when people meet big problem, the best way to tackle with it is to cooperate with others who have the same target. Both schools and parents should not neglect the importance of cooperation. In the first place , children can known that no matter how intelligent and stronger he is, there still has something he cannot deal with by himself through cooperating with others. Furthermore, it is a good change to teach children the meaning of group-working. Working as group is very important in modern company life. If a person cannot not get involved in a group, he will be isolated by his colleagues. Many schools held a relay race, which I believe is a good way for children know how to cooperate can make sure their success.

In conclusion, it is easy to foster a good habit when people in their childhood. If parents want their children to be the winner in their future life, parents should teach them both the meaning of competition and cooperation. Without any aspects, it could have a negative influence in children's life.

幽幽流泉 · 发表于 2010-9-5 21:26:56

谈点我的感受，这篇文章已经使用了足够多雅思范文所需要的词汇，但是还是非常的pigeon-English，主要是思维逻辑和文法逻辑太汉语化了，我推荐雅思8分万能作文这本书，不管是思维逻辑还是写作语言的结构，都有很大的帮助。

我认为英文作文非常强调逻辑，比如谈到why a sense of competition in children should be encouraged.逻辑应该是，社会环境充满了竞争，小孩要适应，就该从小开始，而且，在竞争环境中，可以培养independence and motivation，（ambitious不是很妥）。如果是many children are spoiled by their parents nowadays, and the schooling and parenting should change this phenomenon. 这个逻辑上和a sense of competition in children should be encouraged似乎不通。因为spoiled by their parents = a kind of parenting。这个是不太合理的推理。

同样，谈到Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate时候，应该首先谈为什么会有这种现象，这种现象有什么好处，以此逻辑。而when people meet big problem, the best way to tackle with it is to cooperate with others who have the same target. 这种思维似乎不太合乎逻辑。why don't we try to solve it independently？

最后，conclusion谈的是a good habit ，but I think both the sense of competition and the sense of cooperation are some basic characters of persons rather than habits.
后面改成这样会略好.they are not mutually exclusive. without the sense of competition, a child will grow up with neither independence nor endeavour; without co-operation, a child is dislikely to envolve into the society and make good relationship with others when he or she become an adult.

BTW 刚刚又看了您写的其他几篇文章，发现模板化太严重，全是on one hand， on the other hand，这是很不好的，谈到题目观点的两方面，完全不需要这样的模板。你可以直接说，As the hard economic realities， many people thought children should be cultivated the sense of competiton to avoid being weeded out in the future job market.
到第三段，可以开头说，However or Nevertheless， more and more people，parents， teachers and sociologists， are realiseing the importance of willing to co-operate or team work among the children. they believe it is a vital and indispensable character by which children could become more useful adults.

我也是在 fighting for writing, mutual

[]

pkmhl · 发表于 2010-9-6 00:37:39

多谢楼上的指点不过8分的范文看的我想哭阿哎~ 太难取舍了

pziw6126 · 发表于 2010-9-6 03:17:14

要拿 6分。。LZ 最最基本的问题是结构，正确语法，合理用词。注意了逻辑对于6分还是次要的。
这篇比上两篇的机构分配稍微合理。可是你竟然写了361 词。你的文章那么长的原因是你的陈述（例证）比较累赘。一个段落的观点还分出几个sub-levels.

在首段能用几个单词引出文中观点。这个很好。每一个段落第一句能提出对应观点，这都是优点。可是每一段其实也是需要首尾呼应的。这点LZ显然没做到。其实阅读大作文就是很好的写作范例。观点突出的文章是无需读通全文的。要让读者一眼知道哪里讲什么。然后层层递进。

文章例证要集中。你想想，刨去第一句中心句，最后一句归纳句，中间3句话基本就已经满足字数了，其中还有一句还是用来引入观点的。如果觉得实在缺字数，把你的那些sub-level 再分出一个段落来。

关于语法和用词。建议少用长句。用了太多and 的显得水平一般（外国小孩子说话就是很喜欢and 来 and 去。）而且句子过长容易犯低级语法错误。适当把句子改短，换上不同的连接词。这点小技巧文章质量马上就上去了。

[]

Plomsbogboods · 发表于 2010-9-6 04:34:52

修改一段：

On the one hand, competition can encourage a child to become more independent .（and ambitious(过多中心等于无中心，有例证可以另起一段). Firstly, many children are spoiled by their parents nowadays, and the schooling and parenting should change this phenomenon. (中心无关句删除)) Participating competing games (容易掌握的句式结构变化，还有可以改变词性，减少简单重复) in the school, children can be taught that without the help of their parents they can still achieve something. This (承上启下的简单连接词) feeling of being winner can motivate their willingness of explore. （They eager to win others in next campaign, which mould their strengthen character.(中心无关句删除)） On the contrary, the loser will look back his drawbacks and learn a lesson from his failure. We all believe that It is more likely to achieve one's (很容易掌握的句式变化) successful career if a person can be self-motivative and keep self-questionning （段落归纳句）.

[]

大合集q2 · 发表于 2010-9-6 08:08:19

ls的很强

pkmhl · 发表于 2010-9-6 11:50:02

多谢楼上的指点啊如醍醐灌顶
这几天我自己的机器老是上不来真是奇怪现在用的笔记本上的
我还会写1-2篇文章多谢各位的指点了～

l3725729 · 发表于 2010-9-6 20:21:27

能否借楼主宝地贴一篇我写的,也请各位大大帮忙看看, 相互学习? 若有何不妥,请楼主告知,我即刻撤下
我也是迷茫中, 感觉越来越慌张了.
A sense of competition can always be a kind of motivation for people to become more aggressive in their job. Meanwhile, since the work is increasingly depending on a team work other than an individual, in my opinion, it is essentially important to cultivate the children to know how to co-operate as the priority.

Indeed, a sense of competition can make a child study harder when he realizes that his classmate is in a higher level regarding either studying or sports. Also,he will benefit a lot from the process of competition, including the spirit of no surrender and the satisfaction after he made some achievement. Besides, the establishment of such sense could be a great help during his adulthood. After all, the professional career will be quite cruel to anyone who refuses to compete with others.

However, I insist that it is more urgent to teach the children to co-operate, in considering the following reasons. Firstly, in the present time, a tea work faith makes a staff more popular in a colleague relationship which is a vital factor in one's career. Secondly, during the co-operation with partners, children will feel the importance of communication. Actually, many great ideas were based on the communication of different thoughts in scientific history. Thirdly, children can possibly acquire some certain skill during the cooperation, such as negotiation, which will be a useful tool for their future job.

In conclusion, I am in favor of the cultivation of co-operation for children primarily, while teachers also should help them to build a sense of competition in a auxiliary way.

[雅思杂谈] 继续求拍大作文

马上注册，结交更多同城好友，享用更多功能！

个人中心

[雅思杂谈] 继续求拍 大作文

马上注册，结交更多同城好友，享用更多功能！

个人中心

[雅思杂谈] 继续求拍大作文