30号就要一鸭了，求作文被批

温柔的心酸 · 发表于 2010-10-22 13:43:02

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Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children

Do you agree or disagree?

In the contemporary society, a computer is playing an increasingly pivotal importance daily. It is used widely by every kind of person and young children have no exception. Whether it is negative or positive to children is becoming a debatable topic in every country. In this essay, I will argue the both effects from the following reasons.

Admittedly, it has the negative effects for young kids to use computers every day. It has radiation everywhere on any computer and it really hurts the eyes and bodies of young children based on what I have learnt from some scientific reports. Moreover, nowadays, nearly every computer can access to the Internet. It is very common that they will see plenty of violent films and pictures from there, which is detrimental to the development of young boys and girls mentally.

Nonetheless, as one of the most fantastic inventions, we have to admit that computers have brought much more positive benefits to us than the negative ones. Young kids can use them as efficient tools to study. For instance, they can search for any unrecognized word from an electronic dictionary in very short time compared to the traditional paper dictionary. This greatly enhances the efficiency to their studying work. Second, computers with Internet can make it connect to persons easily from all over the world. By using any instant chatting tool, such as MSN, boys and girls can make friends with any children with whom they even have not met before. Global communication can develop the ability for them of how to talk nicely, which does good to their future. Finally computers and other advanced technologies are widely used everywhere and they have to learn to use those including young children. I can’t imagine how a young boy or girl could find a good job without knowing how to use a computer in the future after they grow up.

In conclusion, from my perspective, I really believe it will give young children more positive effects then negative ones to use computers every day only if their parents can help to control them on the approaches in which they use.

pigkv148 · 发表于 2010-10-22 17:25:52

老实说，不怎么样。

先说致命的问题。中心不突出。第二第三段第一句都是废话，不能成为中心句。你要具体指出观点。
比如第二段，你可以说。不利于青少年的身心健康。
第三段，可以归纳为。有利于开阔视野。

最后一段怎么跟第一段观点不对应的？第一段说两个都赞同。最后一段又说有所偏重。

还有尽量避免一句成段，比如你的最后一段，一看就是草草结尾。

再说点连贯和语法。。给你改第一段。其他自己发掘。
It is used widely by every kind of person including young adult （重复题目词汇不得分）. Whether it's impacts are negative or positive on children has become a debatable topic (in every country 可删除，every 用的频率太高). In this essay, I will argue the both effects from the following reasons.（你究竟是什么观点？请具体提出）

r55702ffe · 发表于 2010-10-22 22:56:00

和我刚开始写的作文一样楼主
我的水平也不咋的你要多听3wu的建议
其次我是按照考官的样子来看你的作文的
所以我只看了你的第一段末段以及 2,3 段的首句你先好好练习这些位置的句子哦 ~

祝你好运 ~ 加油

ezijidda · 发表于 2010-10-23 10:52:33

more positive effects then negative ones
^^^^^进来就看到一个拼写错误

dw23po1tgh · 发表于 2010-10-23 19:11:40

3WU 的评价还是很中肯的

温柔的心酸 · 发表于 2010-10-24 07:00:32

OK, 多谢各位的指点，特别是3WU。让我来一个个回复。
to 4楼，那是我一个输入电脑时候的打印错误。

to 3WU,
老实说，不怎么样。 -- 恩，我也觉得一般。其实我要求也不高，能过就行。

先说致命的问题。中心不突出。第二第三段第一句都是废话，不能成为中心句。你要具体指出观点。
比如第二段，你可以说。不利于青少年的身心健康。
第三段，可以归纳为。有利于开阔视野。

最后一段怎么跟第一段观点不对应的？第一段说两个都赞同。最后一段又说有所偏重。-- 第二段只是让步段，重点是突出第三段的积极的一面，和最后一段的只有在家长看护下的使用电脑才是好事的论点。

还有尽量避免一句成段，比如你的最后一段，一看就是草草结尾。-- 恩，这个我同意，最后是写得比较仓促了点。

再说点连贯和语法。。给你改第一段。其他自己发掘。
It is used widely by every kind of person including young adult （重复题目词汇不得分）【我知道要替换题目词汇，已经在下文中有所体现了。但是 young adult 和young children不可能划等号吧？】. Whether it's impacts are negative or positive on children has become a debatable topic (in every country 可删除，every 用的频率太高). In this essay, I will argue the both effects from the following reasons.（你究竟是什么观点？请具体提出）【这个评论我接受，因为我是写得不好，没考虑成熟，而且country是加得多余。但是，我也有看到很多剑桥范文并不是首段就提出观点，我只是想尝试下突破模板的范围】

不知道3WU兄是什么想法

pigkv148 · 发表于 2010-10-24 17:09:51

这样去考如果过了通知俺一下俺也大胆的去考拼拼rp

9304013cpk · 发表于 2010-10-24 18:24:09

不要去想着让步什么的真的老老实实的开头点题第一句说明中心观点这样的文章足矣6分了
不信你可以搜索我之前发的让3wu批改的作文简单就是最好的（我指的是结构）

rlke5218 · 发表于 2010-10-24 22:36:54

楼上体会深刻的说

温柔的心酸 · 发表于 2010-10-25 06:37:03

多谢咪咪的鼓励

[雅思杂谈] 30号就要一鸭了，求作文被批

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