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36#
发表于 2010-12-10 03:58:43
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来自： INNA
Poor students in school are not denied chances to achievements, thanksto the fact that academic performance is not the decisive factor for asuccessful adult life. In fact the list of contributing factors goes onand on, with qualities often irrelevant to academic transcripts, suchas good working skills and interpersonal relations skills, andendurance to pressure and frustration.
1.开头段没扣题.开头段统领整篇文章的,所以必须明确的回应题目,树立自己的观点,这样后面的论证就比较容易展开.怎样的开头段才算是好的开头段?很简单,读的人不需要看题目,就可以明确地知道作者将要论证的题目,及其观点,就是好的开头段. 而且开头段也可以显示出作者有没有审题,及有没有审对题,所以不可不注意.另外,雅思评分要求上指出,扣题,把题目重复一遍不算.
2.词汇的多样性是一个考点,但用词的准确也是一个考点,雅思评分中称为sophisticated. 这不是讲要用多么难的词,而是指词语用得精确,贴切,雅观等.切忌为了追求语言的多样化,只看词义,不考虑褒贬,语言是否得体.这样被扣的分,比语言重复的分要多.词汇不多,用对即可;词类繁多,生搬硬套,用多错多.
3. Poor students, poor带贬义换成中性的disadvantaged students 比较好.
4. achievement是比较中性的词,简单的完成也可以算一种achievement. LZ应据自己要表达的意思在achievement前加一形容词.
5. is not the decisive ---> is not the only decisive
6.第一句,将thanks to 改为因果型的从句会比较顺.
7.In fact---> In fact,
8. contributing factors, 什么contributing factors? 需要在其前加适当的描述
9. goes on and on , 一般指,没完没了,带点贬义
10. irrelevant, 义为无关. LZ后面举了例子的确与成绩无关. LZ想讲是成绩不能反映那些方面吧.
11. interpersonal relations skills --> interpersonal skills. Interpersonal中的inter-已经含relation的意思了,再加relations就成累赘了.
12. Academic transcripts, 成绩单,--> academic results, 成绩
12. 第二句其实应改成从句,这样结构上会没有那么松散, 譬如: In fact, to attain a successful adult life, a person's qualities, which are rarely reflected through one's academic results, must not be ignored. 另外,由于下文没有讨论列出的skills,所以删去.
Primarily, the definition of so-called good and poor students ismisleading. The only piece of criteria seems to be students’ testscores, which is by no means genuine reflection of personal abilities.Those who become artists, scientists or politicians could all be thepoor students in school. Even Thomas Edison was regarded by his teacheras “intellectually handicapped”.
1.没有呼应开头段,就一下子跳到好差学生的讨论,段与段间承接出现断裂.
2.删 so-called, 太过口语化.
3.poor students,LZ到底是想讲贫困生,还是讲成绩不好的学生?从文段上猜应为后者吧.
4. piece of criteria --> criterion, criteria 为criterion的复数形式
5. be 后加the
6. 第二句从句用得不错,稍微调整一下即可,如: At school, it seems that the only criterion on judging a student's ability is his or her test scores, which by no means can genuiely reflect the student's true ability.
7.应为第二句讲了成绩不能反映一个学生的真正能力,所以第三句就可以讲不是所有成绩好的学生都可以成为xxx家,然后第四句举爱迪生为例即可.不用讲那些xxxx家都有可能是在校成绩不好的学生,这样论证力度不强.
Even if the theory of discriminating good students from poor onesstands, it is undeniable that poor students enjoy certain helpfultraits which good students lack. For instance, they tend to expect lessand would be more willing to “start low”, thus open to moreopportunities. Also, since they have had the experience of gettinglower scores in school, they would usually be more resilient topressure and frustrations in work. Good students, on the other hand,often too used to compliments, could find it hard to lower theirexpectations or cope with adverse situations.
1.没有承上,所有看起来是忽然起来的一段.要注意段与段之间的连接.这样,文章看起来才会比较顺,论证也才会有力.
2. 第一句前半句过于唐突.
3.discriminate带贬义
4. 第一句过于绝对,不是所有的xxxx生都有xxxx的有点或缺xxxxx.应适当地修饰一下.
5. helpful traits? trait,义为一个人性格上的特点,有帮助性的特点? 有助与人生的特性吧,如是,则需要修改了.
6. open --> are open
7.不见得要求低就机会多吧.需要适当地加些论证来加强力度.
8. Also,---> In addition,
9. in work--> at work
9. 第三句不合理.成绩低,工作抗压性就高?
10. often too --> often are too
11. On the other hand ,提到句头, good students 与 compliments那部分用从句合在一起, or --> and
Last but not least, the distinct differences between school life andadult life mean that students start on the same ground again when theygraduate and commence adult lives. In most societies where education isexamination-oriented, school serves as a place for children to betaught science and arts related subjects, such as math, chemistry, andpainting etc.; while adult life centers on work and social activities.Needless to say there is little overlap between the two, therefore theadvantage of good students fade in adult life, where working skills andinterpersonal relations skills are vital.
1. 开头段没有清晰地阐明观点, 上面两段的论证没有连接好, 到了这一段文章的结构就更散了.
2. Last but not least ---> Last but not the least
3. 什么distinct differences?上文提出的那些吗?如是,则加above.而且以上文推断应是学生特性的不同,而不是学校及成年后生活的不同吧,上文没有讨论生活的不同,只有讨论学生特性上的不同.把学生那部分调前.
4. commence adult lives ---> commence their adult lives
5. In most societies ---> In most societies,
6. serves ---> only serves
7. math ---> mathematics或maths
8. etc. --> etc
9.第二句应该断开成几句.用关联词来连接各句即可.
10. Needless to say, 语气过于主观
11.the two --> these two
12.什么advantage? academic advantage? 删the, advantage 改复数.
13. 上文的观点牵强,没有论证支持,整断显得语意比较乱.
As it is apparent, those more likely to succeed in their adult livesare ones that are strong enough to overcome setbacks and develop goodworking skills and interpersonal relations skills, regardless of theirscores in school.
1.此段为结尾总结,所以用词上要体现此为总结段, as it is apparent 没有这个效果.
2. those more ---> those who are more
3. are ones --> are the ones
4.上文并没有明确的讨论过享有成功人生的人具备xxxxxskills,及这些skills与学业成绩的关联.
最后, 以题目来看,人家要考的其实是nature vs. nurture. 而LZ讨论的是学生在校成绩高低与成年后成功与否无关. 写了这么多,结果, 跑题了. 唉, 审题不清,文章再好,分数也不会高啊.
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