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13#
发表于 2010-12-25 09:17:45
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只看该作者
来自： INNA
再看了一下, 要注意逻辑关系,结构, 保持简洁和完整的搭配
As a consequence of that, of that根本不需要
forced to live and work, 要forced to move, 不要上来就live 和work, 逻辑上不通
which is called the process of urbanization, 这个多余,再改改或去掉, 而且不能叫process, process 更多说人发明出来的流程,有特定的目的, 这个是社会现象而已
This process has already been completed in most developed countries, but in some developing countries, enormous numbers of migrants are rushing into cities every year. 这句干脆别要了
In the big cities, the upsurge of migrants from countryside may lead to local hostility because they are considered to be competitors in employment.第二段中心句要先讲现实情况,如果这段要讲人和人之间的冲突的话, because后面的就不要拉,要接着阐述几个造成冲突的原因, 比如, 城市里面的人不太理解外来人口, 外来人口所受教育少, 素质低, 外来人口工资低,容易获得工作,造成城里人没工作, 要展开来写4到6句
Besides, urban people and suburban people have different views on many issues due to different background. These differences are responsible for most of conflicts between them. 第二句别要了,没有实际意义,
第三段第一句挺好, 然后要接着说农村的问题, 比如说农村人都走光了, 发展不起来, 几十年都没有变化, 生活水平得不到提高, 造成恶性循环, 然后说老人孩子都留在农村了, 没有人照顾,对家庭亲情有影响,
你要更加注意句子之间的承接, 包括意思上的连接
文章前后句意思间的跳跃不要太大, 有时候看似废话,其实连接了前后两个句子,读起来就不太唐突
总体感觉就是句子之间跳跃太大, 需要多展开来, 废话也可以.....
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