再求雅思大作文批改(7楼更新淘宝外教修改后版本)

q1j2p4x0x7 · 发表于 2011-1-3 21:31:53

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这次写得比较八股，但是感觉语言组织下降了

Some people think children should attend extra classes after school, others disagree. Discuss both opinion and give your own view.

It is not uncommon these days that children join extra classes after school. The impact of this phenomenon on children could have both positive and negative sides.

Parents send their children to classes after school, hoping they could benefit from the classes and indeed, they could. Some kids who are not doing well at school could improve obviously through attending extra classes. As these classes are usually quite small or even they offer one on one teaching, so it is possible to specified in the weak part of students. As a result, children could learn efficiently in this way. Furthermore, a large proportion of these extra classes is about helping children to learn and develop their interest in leisure activities, such as music, sports and art. Attending these classes helps to shape children’s personality in a good way and children could also have fun and relax during these classes.

On the other hand, attending extra classes also have detrimental effects on children. Some students might think if they do not study after school as much as their peers do, they will fall behind. Consequently, they take more and more extra classes until their spare time being monopolized by such classes and their lives become stressful as adults’. Also, it is often parents’ decision which class their kids should attend, rather than children’s interest. This may end up children studying what they do not really like.

In conclusion, I believe it is a good thing for children to join classes they are truly interested after school, but also they should have enough leisure time.

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tbyg1865 · 发表于 2011-1-4 07:08:38

It is not uncommon 以前我也喜欢这样表达，看到3WU老师的点评，这种双重否定可能需要斟酌一下。
a large proportion of these extra classes isare about helping children to learn and develop their interests in leisure activities.interest作为兴趣来运用的话是可数名词. a large proportion of 后跟复数名词用are,单数名词用is
rather than children’s interests.
children 用太多 kids只看到一个，差开来用可能好一点。没办法，谁让老外小孩的同义词太少 young one不敢用，目前不知道是不是口语化
整篇结构不错，语法大的问题可能是我没发现，比我写得好。

能力有限，不对之处望多多包涵及指正。

q1j2p4x0x7 · 发表于 2011-1-4 10:13:12

恩，我就在你的进度帖里面找了个题目写的。
我也是之前发了几篇，都被人说结构有问题，这篇就完全按照模板套路来写的。

感觉我现在有一个大问题是句式太单一。词汇经常找不到替换的，通篇重复

跑不过就打 · 发表于 2011-1-4 21:29:19

文章错误不多，但是整体感觉比较平淡，没有多少出彩的地方，或者楼主可以尝试稍微高级点的词汇或者变换下句式？或者更出彩一些的观点？我觉得7分的文章总是要有点特点的，不过话虽这么说，我也不知道该怎么搞，抓狂中。。。

9372004teb · 发表于 2011-1-5 06:51:44

老大，看过7分范文不。。。雅思不是GRE，要求不是深刻，而是reasonable，注重表达而已，别把自己搞太累了，对于我们而言就是在40秒内写出合理的，而且丰富的句子来支持我们reasonable观点的段落，而已。

zhuyi123 · 发表于 2011-1-5 12:22:34

晕了，喝了点小酒，40分钟，呵呵。

q1j2p4x0x7 · 发表于 2011-1-5 21:59:59

淘宝上找的外教改大作文，一次50,大家看看改得怎么样,还值得继续改么？我觉得他在句子表达方面改的意见确实还是不错的，不过才给了我5分，
感觉明显是想让我上课。

WORD里直接复制上来发现格式全乱了，还是发附件吧。

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q20052005 · 发表于 2011-1-6 08:01:48

分数是有点低。但修改润色也是有必要。只是是否值得要看个人财力和资源而定。

关于作文修改润色的方法，我提议两点：
如果有伙伴：同样的题目，互相修改。修改的过程也是自我学习的过程。以找出别人的错处为为乐，自身水平必然从中提高。从而达到能自我修改。
如果没有伙伴：网上找范文，自己写一遍以后，参看别人如何展开思路，如何安排结构，如何组织句式，与自己做比较，从而达到自我修正并提高的目的。

最后总结：所有训练的目的都是要达到一个水平：能自我修正，自我润色。如果你拿出过去自己写的文章，越看越好，越看越顺眼，只能说明你的水平正在退步。

蜗牛大亨 · 发表于 2011-1-6 13:28:57

他改完的文章能得几分？？？

fcqxl · 发表于 2011-1-6 20:30:34

HAHAHA. I have company now^_^

[雅思杂谈] 再求雅思大作文批改(7楼更新淘宝外教修改后版本)

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