我也来上几篇ielts大作文请求批改~~

yawn5dGw · 发表于 2011-3-11 14:49:08

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经过2月12号的考试，我终于认识到了自己不足，之前花时间最多在作文上，最终作文也就只有5.5，说实话考试紧张也是一个原因，但最主要的原因还是自己的水平还不够6分阿。所以我也开始交几篇作文，请，恳请各位作文达人批改~~~非常感谢！！！

yawn5dGw · 发表于 2011-3-11 16:07:13

Some people feel that entertainers(e.g.film stars,pop musiciansor sports stars) are paid too much money.
Do you agree or disagree?
Which other types of job should be highly paid?

In current society, it is a well-know fact that celebrities are popular with many people.But in the meantime, heated debate has been going on about whether the entertainers should be pay such a tremendous amount of money. I tend to believe that entertainers’ booming income is unjustified.

It is evidently reasonable for some to argue that the celebrities should not be pay so much money. To start with, there is negative influence on younger generation. Since the entertainers are earning high, a host of youngsters intend to become superstars in their future, namely, try to reap without sowing. Consequently, teen-agers will not have a determination to work hard in their academic studies, which makes them loose marketable skills and social values. Furthermore, a great deal of money probably brings problems to the celebrities. Actually, so weathly are the stars that they can get anything that they desire. As a result, a vast number of celebrities pursue a life of luxury and dissipation and even become addicted to drugs and alcohol. Lastly, it creates adverse affect on fans that following the stars. We are all agree that the superstars always wear expensive clothings and use luxurious articles as they recive huge payment, while some individuals, who are the fans of the superstars, will tend to follow the fashion blindly and buy luxuries even if they cannot afford them, which leads cheats and crime.

There are still many other reasons to support my view that entertainers are over paid. But with the above discussions, it would be safe enough for us to conclude that it would be well-advised to narrow the income gap between the entertainers and the layfolks rather than widening it. I would like to suggest that the authorities should give other contributory groups more economic impetus like the scientists or doctors who contribute to the society development and people’s health rather than these beauties without brains.

狗狗走天呀 · 发表于 2011-3-11 16:32:46

先不怕挨砖的说一声，的确还有很多改进之处～～～

结构上，头尾尚可，肚子太大，建议将中段再细分一下

句型上，模板痕迹有点太重。长句太多，没有节奏感。有的句子头重脚轻。

语法上，be pay--------------be paid， are all agree-----------all agree

还有一些立意和用词，如果想听的话，明天再说，今天太困鸟～～～

訷譕訫 · 发表于 2011-3-11 19:50:51

强烈推荐3WU老师的建议：
http://www.freeoz.biz/ibbs/viewt ... id=49287#pid3357787

供楼主好好揣摩揣摩

yawn5dGw · 发表于 2011-3-11 21:25:44

坐等大师指导~~~~~

错过就是错过了 · 发表于 2011-3-11 22:43:42

一家之言，仅供参考，希望有帮助哈！

审题上，Which other types of job should be highly paid? 和Do you agree or disagree?都是你要回答的，厚此薄彼没问题，但要有个度哇，在末尾一笔带过显然不是个好办法喔。

立意上，将演艺人士定义为reap without sowing， these beauties without brains有歧视之嫌，对你的分数很有可能不利（有没有想过考官再客观，也是人，没准他/她就是个追星族？），建议尽量采用客观的态度，避免类似的人参公鸡。我们讨论的重点是too much money。

逻辑上，从追星就推断到小孩子没有social value，代表大家武断明星都穿贵衣服，有钱所以吸毒酗酒等等，貌似都有点牵强？

几个证据之间的关系不够清晰，其实就是一个意思：明星起了坏榜样。仔细分析下题目，也许有其他的证据哈。比如从工作的投入产出，从社会财富分配的角度？

如果是6分的目标，没必要用那么多长句模板句。你需要做到的是结构清晰，句子通顺，句与句之间有衔接，段落与段落之间有衔接，基本不跑题，就可以了! 加油哈！

[]

yawn5dGw · 发表于 2011-3-12 05:47:41

谢谢指导~~

烟雨肉肉 · 发表于 2011-3-12 16:05:56

还是多年前考的雅思，偶尔漫步此版，抛砖引玉咯。看见砖了，不要生气啊。

文字亮点：1.)有结构排布的基础，2.)有套用句式的基础。需发扬光大。

砖：分两部分，1言之有物；2英语表达

言之有物就是说，不管用什么语言表达，得表达出个符合逻辑的内容。楼主试着用中文说一遍那个作文，看看能不能说服自己。这篇习作，走题了。问的是：有人说我们付给演职人员的钱太多了，你同意否。文内说的是：论点1.)有负面效应。（没有涉及为什么人家挣的太多）；论点2对明星也不好（也没有涉及为什么人家不配挣那么多）；论点3明星搞些奇奇怪怪的私生活（这还是没有涉及到为什么他们不配挣那么多钱）。其实你的论点是在说：明星挣了那么多钱以后的结果是如何，是对一个结果（已经收入很高）之后的影响进行评价。而没有讨论，他们是否值得我们付他们那么多钱。

试着顺着这个思路看看：
Some people feel that entertainers(e.g.film stars,pop musiciansor sports stars) are paid too much money.
Do you agree or disagree?

是的，我同意。他们不值得我们付出那么多。
因为：1他们为今天的成就所付出的学习，工作代价，和一个做系统集成的差不多，都是12年教育加大学啊什么的，所以，拍一集电视剧，拿个80块就够了，给个2万块，不适合。
2他们的收入积累主要得益于信息媒介的科技化，一份既成的工作成果（一场比赛，一部电影。。。etc）可以复制成28亿多份，收28亿多次钱，这个总值让他们财富积累过速，过高。不应该给他们那么多钱。
3。。。

总之就是要四处拍砖，说：他们就是不值这个价。多么多么不值得我们pay他们那么多钱。

对策：

虽然雅思考的是英语，但是英语是思维的载体，核心还是要用思维来体现。所以我从来都认为，语言仅仅是形式，思想才是王道。当你英语学好了，跟外出工作时，言之有物才能给你一份工，才能给你一个发展的空间。

没事针对作文故题，随时用中文完成言之成理的三个论点即可。养成辩证思维的习惯，有益作文，有益工作，有益生活。。。

hoho下面搞英文。

英文：

中文痕迹有点重：In current society,There are still many other reasons to support my view ，But with the above discussions。。。
这些东西不太用di～～～而且“There are still many other reasons to support my view ”还带来负面效应。。。你在凑数字，并且拿考官开涮。有理说理，不要丢一句“别人还有很多观点云云。。。”，别人的观点都是浮云跟你这个大作没有关系，尤其你也没有对此展开说明。

对策：看范文，找这种表达方法，如果你一定要表达这种中式概念的话。

基本语法错误：We are all agree 动词叠加；should be pay 分词形式；are earning high择词不当；Actually, so weathly are the stars that 语气、思路的变化让人困惑。。。

对策：太难。。。至少不要出动词的，叠加、时态、语态的错误了。别的嘛，太耗时，勉力而行吧。

最后：
思路还是文章的核心，逻辑严谨、流畅；加上别太犯基本语法错误；把这些内容填在你已有的构架里，6分能成。

[雅思杂谈] 我也来上几篇ielts大作文请求批改~~

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