为了第五次雅思,每天一篇作文求批改

eihks623 · 发表于 2011-3-5 21:12:04

重写昨天的题目,希望大家不吝赐教

Some people tend to take temporary jobs (they only work for few month of year), for they have time to do other things. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

In modern society, an increasing number of people choose temporary jobs with a variety of reasons. However, whether the merits of temporary jobs outnumber its demerits has sparked heated debate. In my opinion, it is not advisable to draw an arbitrary conclusion, because it depends on the personality and character of a person.

Temporary jobs are really suitable for these who want to have more spare time to enjoy a more colorful and interesting life. To begin with, there are only several months that temporary workers need to work for, therefore, the left time can be used to do anything they are pleased to do. Especially for the one likes travelling, he can travel to anywhere he wants to go after earning enough money through the temporary job. Moreover, you never need to worry about whether this job suits you or not, because you will just stay here for a limited period. You will enjoy it if you like it, otherwise you need bear to get travelling expenses before leaving here. Obviously, in this situation you are the real master of job, and these people can benefit a great deal from temporary jobs

By contrast, temporary jobs do not suit these people who want to have stable and rich life. First, the income of temporary job is obviously less than the long-term one, especially in terms of bonus. Companies would like to pay higher bonus at the end of the year to encourage their employees for their hard-working and loyalty. Secondly, the cost of training newcomers is so expensive and the business also need to be continually developed, therefore, it is more difficult for the one who prefers temporary jobs to find a new job and to get a higher payment.

In conclusion, whether or not the advantages of temporary jobs outnumber the disadvantages depends on the personalities of people. Different people have different perspectives, so it is hard to draw a definite conclusion.

eihks623 · 发表于 2011-3-6 02:24:20

向你致敬,下一次我们同一天考,加油.

Endadewen · 发表于 2011-3-6 05:15:58

楼主精神可嘉

读下来，感觉文章顺畅多了，比起昨天的起码上了一档次。

这里再挑出些小毛病：

In modern society, an increasing number of people choose temporary jobs with a variety of reasons. However, whether the merits of temporary jobs outnumber its demerits has sparked heated debate. In my opinion, it is not advisable to draw an arbitrary conclusion, because it depends on the personality and character of a person.

Temporary jobs are really suitable for these 【应为those】 who want to have more spare time to enjoy a more colorful and interesting life. To begin with, there are only several months that temporary workers need to work for, therefore, the left time can be used to do anything they are pleased to do. Especially for the one likes travelling, he can travel to anywhere he wants to go after earning enough money through the temporary job. Moreover, 【感觉主题句并不能很好的把下面提的这种情况包含进来，这里有两种可能：1. 主题句的论点概括得不好或 2. 你的论据不能很好很准确地支持你的论点。这里的论据可以支持你的整篇文章的总观点，但是却不在这个主体段的讨论范围内，算是有点跑偏了】you never need to worry about whether this job suits you or not, because you will just stay here for a limited period. You will enjoy it if you like it, otherwise you need bear to get travelling expenses before leaving here. Obviously, in this situation you are the real master of job, and these people can benefit a great deal from temporary jobs

By contrast, temporary jobs do not suit these 【应为those】 people who want to have 【缺冠词 a】stable and rich life. First, the income of temporary job is obviously 【学术类文章慎用obviously，certainly，absolutely， will ... 之类的语气过强的词，应该用should, would, could, probably, possibly, is likely, almost, mostly等等，称之为tentative写法，是学术文章的一个基本要求】 less than the long-term one, especially in terms of bonus. Companies would like to pay higher bonus at the end of the year to encourage their employees for their hard-working and loyalty. Secondly, the cost of training newcomers is so expensive and the business also need to be continually developed, therefore【therefore一般是总起新的一句，这里应该断句了】, it is more difficult for the one who prefers temporary jobs to find a new job and to get a higher payment.

In conclusion, whether or not the advantages of temporary jobs outnumber the disadvantages depends on the personalities of people. Different people have different perspectives, so 【so比较口语化，用当然也没问题，但是用therefore，thus，as a result之类的词更好】 it is hard to draw a definite conclusion.

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eihks623 · 发表于 2011-3-6 08:31:09

多谢你的点评,感激之情难以言表!
你的评价非常专业,我从中受益匪浅啊
之前只知道需要论点论据,但是具体改怎么的论据支持怎样的论点,一点概念没有,现在清楚多了.
太感激楼上了.

eihks623 · 发表于 2011-3-6 14:55:17

Writing 3[2011.3.1] 步入三月了,离考试越来越近了
Some people believe that the charity organizations should give aid to those in greatest need, wherever they live. Some people believe that the charity organizations would be better concentrate on helping people who live in own country instead. Discuss both views, and give your opinion.

With the speeding up of globalization, the whole world is increasingly tending to be a big family. Charity organizations from different countries are doing their utmost to assist victims who need assistance all over the world. The debate about whether charity groups should help foreign countries has been fuelled by the increase of disasters which happened recently.

Someone hold the viewpoint that every country which encounters disasters should be helped immediately by the charity groups. On the one hand, the development of economy is unbalanced in the world. Facing with disasters, it is manifest that the developed countries are capable of dealing with disasters by themselves, while some developing countries cannot support themselves. On the other hand, most people have the instincts to help others. When they hear on the news that some people are suffering from the disaster or disease, they wholeheartedly want to give their aids.

By contrast, others advocate that charity groups should devote themselves to domestic events. Especially for undeveloped countries, they should save their limited outlay to help the victims in their own country. For example, some politicians for some special purpose denote the organization’s money to support the reconstruction of other counties which encountered earthquake or other disasters, while some areas of their own country are suffering from disaster and lack fund.

In my opinion, people should assistant those who are facing with problems, rather than considering the nationality of victims. However, they should base on their capability of giving aids and should not take any political purpose into the assistance. Therefore, whether charity groups should help other countries depends on whether the country has the ability to help others.

nkvfg · 发表于 2011-3-6 17:31:43

With the speeding up of globalization, the whole world is increasingly tending to be a big family. Charity organizations from different countries are doing their utmost to assist victims who need assistance all over the world. The debate about whether charity groups should help foreign countries has been fuelled by the increase of disasters which happened recently.【这里明显漏了一句，紧接着就应该立刻明确提出自己的观点了，和结尾的观点应该是一摸一样的，这就需要同义转换的技巧，是雅思作文的一个很大的考点。】

Someone hold the viewpoint that every country which encounters disasters should be helped immediately by the charity groups. On the one hand, the development of economy is unbalanced in the world. Facing with disasters, it is manifest[=obvious,慎用] that the developed countries are capable of dealing with disasters by themselves, while some developing countries cannot support themselves. On the other hand, most people have the instincts to help others. When they hear on the news that some people are suffering from the disaster or disease, they whole heartedly want to give their aids.

By contrast, others advocate that charity groups should devote themselves to domestic events. Especially for undeveloped countries, they should save their limited outlay to help the victims in their own country. For example, some politicians denote[donate?use?] the organization’s money to support the reconstruction of other counties which encountered earthquake or other disasters [for some special purpose] [, like ... ,] while some areas of their own country are suffering from [similar] disaster and lack [of] fund.

[However,] In my opinion, [although] people should assistant[->assist] those who are facing [with,去掉] problems, rather than considering the nationality of victims [. However删去], they should base on their capability of giving aids and should not take any political purpose into the assistance. Therefore, whether charity groups should help other countries depends on whether the country has the ability to help others.【结尾的观点应该在开头段的就明确提出一次，这里是照应，做同义转换】

总体来说比第一篇作文的第一稿好很多了，读起来也顺很多。语法小错有一些，遣词造句上还有不少可以斟酌的地方。
此外就是逻辑上还要多作推敲推敲，因为两个主体段的讨论并不能比较自然地得出你结尾段提到的结论。因而感觉说服力不强。开头段没有直接表明自己的观点也是一个小小的遗憾，不然流畅度还能更高。
尽管如此，文章写得还是不错的，和第一篇作文的第一稿相比有了很大进步。

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capwzdkyhw · 发表于 2011-3-6 18:59:40

there are only several months need to work
这句话很明显不对啊。delete need

eihks623 · 发表于 2011-3-6 21:45:55

一大早起来第一件事就是看看你有没有来,万分感谢,此处略去1万字.还是感谢.
总之,有机会我一定要请你吃饭.

我现在写的时候努力按照你说的那种结构来构思,但是还是感觉不熟练,现在想想确实我中文的论文都没这样写过,我这个人比较随性,写作也是,写到哪想到哪,写完之后往往完后不搭调,这个毛病得好好客服客服.

这个题目我有些疑问,就是他希望你说说各个观点,然后给出你的观点, 那在写作中,这个你的观点就是结尾吗,还是需要在结尾之外另加一段单独说你的观点.
上次一个外教和我说,结论就是结论,不能在结尾段提出新的观点,结尾段需要简洁,所以这里我感觉很困惑.

水清无鱼730 · 发表于 2011-3-7 00:24:57

呵呵，不客气。。

构思你可以参考小姨10天作文的三种构思方法，尤其是裸奔法，很绝的。

另外你的外教说的一点也没错，结尾只能总结，也需要简洁，不能出新的东西。但是结尾很重要一点就是考你的同义转换，就是把自己观点用不同方式表达出来，我感觉这是结尾的一个重要得分点。结尾一般的结构是：一句话总结两个主体段的主要论点，如果能把主要论据也总结进来，甚好！切记一点就是同义转换，不然拿不到更多的分数。再来一句话重申自己的观点，同样是考你同义转换的能力。结尾段大概是这样的结构：【Overall/To conclude/In conclusion/To sum up, blablabla总结两个主体段. Therefore/Consequently/Hence/As a result, blablabla重申总的观点】. 总而言之，同义转换在雅思作文考试里非常重要，也是写作水平的一个重要体现。当然同义转换时要小心了，不能把新的东西加进来，因为结尾段的功能就是总结前文。如果有能力的话，也可以做些展望，但是那个是不好把握的，所以不推荐了。

至于你的另一个疑问，在哪里提出自己的观点。一般是两个地方：开头段和结尾段。显然你这里开头段没有做到，于是也就没有了同义转换在里面了。在开头就明确提出自己的观点，主要原因是：学术类文章讲究的是predictable，easy to understand。尤其是predictable，读者应该能随时猜到文章后面大概要讲些什么内容。其实和主体段要求首句或第二句就是主题句是一个道理（对于主体段第二句是主题句的情形，需要对第一句（Introductory Sentence）的写法有一定了解才行，不然就总是第一句为主题句就ok了）。

也有一些范文，只有结尾部分提出自己的总的观点，那个我没怎么研究过，如果你有兴趣，可以看看那些范文。

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uneea45410 · 发表于 2011-3-7 04:54:16

还有可以参考
澳大利亚人写的
雅思九分写作

至少很清楚的看出来5分和7分作文的差距

[雅思杂谈] 为了第五次雅思,每天一篇作文求批改

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