为了第五次雅思,每天一篇作文求批改

ubriq6469 · 发表于 2011-3-10 02:33:51

两个小小的修改建议：
1. research是不可数的，所以researches是错误的写法
2. 结尾段 I still think the ，感觉太土了，你可以用：I still insist/reckon/believe/maintain

eihks623 · 发表于 2011-3-10 05:01:58

这里我有一个问题想请教一下,我的习惯是两个主体段落分别讨论好处和坏处,
这主体段落的中心句怎么写呢.
比如,
段落1写好处: XXX有很多好的方面.
段落2,写坏处:相比之下,XXX也有很多不好的方面.
这样写合理吗,有没有好的建议,现在每次写到这里都觉得很别扭,但是又不知道怎么修改.

ol7f6c8w · 发表于 2011-3-10 08:58:38

那样子写不是很好吗？

最后总结一下自己的观点就好了。

不过有的人写自己支持的观点在第一个主体段，而有的人喜欢把自己支持的观点写在第二个主体段而已。

eihks623 · 发表于 2011-3-10 19:18:59

Writing 5[2011.3.4]
The gap between the rich and the poor is becoming wider, the richer much richer, the poor even much poor, what problems can the situation cause and give the solutions.

In modern society, with the acceleration of economic development, it seems that the gap between the rich and the poor is increasingly bigger than before. The situation causes amounts of social problems; therefore, measures should be taken to combat the situation.

The existence of the huge difference of income between the wealthy and the poor contributes to a tremendous number of problems. To begin with, it is manifest that the sense of unfairness would make the poor feel unsatisfied with the society. It is easy to imagine the bad feelings that individuals are suffering from the poverty, while others are driving luxurious cars passing by. Moreover, to a large extent, the resources owned by the society will be wasted. The resources holding by the rich are considerably more than the poor’s; however, the rich cannot make full use of them. For example, the houses owned by the rich are more than they can use, at the same time, there is no houses for the poor to live in.

I think the solution to the problem lies with the government, and the government should play a pivotal role in resolving the situation. Firstly, the government should use the tax to balance the huge gap. The more income you earn, the more tax should be imposed. Secondly, the government should encourage the rich to help the poor, and give the poor more chances to improve their abilities of earning money. Last but not least, some facilities and houses should be provided to the poor by the government with an aim to ensure the basic life of the poor.

In conclusion, the huge gap results in a variety of social matters, therefore, the government should take measures to reduce the distance between the rich and the poor.

[]

cjlkqkd1b · 发表于 2011-3-11 02:01:27

个人认为这个议题的第一段可以这么写
Recently,the difference between the rich and poor is becoming bigger while economics is developing.I believe that XXX

eihks623 · 发表于 2011-3-11 06:07:41

Writing 7[2011.3.5]Today there is a great increase in anti-social behavior and lack of respect to others. What are the causes of this? What measures can be taken to reduce this problem?

With the acceleration of the economic development, a more harmonious society is expected. However, it seems that the behavior of anti-social and lack of respect to others is increasingly serious than ever before. In this essay, I will try to analyse the causes of the situation and propose some solutions to the problem.

The causes of these bad behaviors are diverse. To begin with, the growing gap between the rich and the poor is the root cause of this situation. Since 80% of the social property is held by 20% of people, it is easy to cause the sense of dissatisfaction of the working class. It is still hard to afford their own house for working classes even under the efforts of several generations; therefore, the people who lose their hope, sometimes, will take some anti-social behavior. Moreover, the lack of the responsibility of the government is also the major cause of the problem. In modern society, it is generally believed that the corruption in government is considerably serious, and it also contributes to dissatisfaction of the citizens. Furthermore, the growing awareness of selfish results in lack of respecting others. Nowadays, most people would like to consider their own interest in advance instead of others.

I think the solutions to these problems lie with the government, they need to be more aware of the future consequence of the bad social situation. First, the government should take measures to reduce the huge gap between the wealthy and the poor. For instance, the government is able to use tax to balance the gap of income in order to relieve the dissatisfaction of the lower income earners. Secondly, the reliabilities of the government should be improved to increase the efficiency of the regulation released by the authorities. Last but not least, the sense of communicating with others should be encouraged with an aim to make citizens understand each other and respect each other. Research has proved that the understanding of each other can promote the awareness of the respect.

In conclusion, some factors contribute to these bad social behaviors. I am convinced that the government should take effective steps to resolve the problems.

xruo2189 · 发表于 2011-3-11 08:24:17

ith the acceleration of the economic development, a more harmonious society is expected. However, it seems that the behavior of anti-social and lack of respect to others is increasingly serious than ever before. In this essay, I will try to analyse the causes of the situation and propose some solutions to the problem.

The causes of these bad behaviors are diverse. To begin with, the growing gap between the rich and the poor is[->is likely to be] the root cause of this situation. Since 80% of the social property is held by 20% of people, it is easy to cause the sense of dissatisfaction of the working class. [For example,] It is still hard to afford their own house for working classes even under the efforts of several generations; therefore, the people who lose their hope, sometimes, will[->may] take some anti-social behavior. Moreover, the lack of the responsibility of the government is also the[->a] major cause of the problem. In modern society, it is generally believed that the corruption in government is considerably serious, and it also contributes to dissatisfaction of the citizens. Furthermore, the growing awareness of selfish results in lack of respecting others. Nowadays, most people would like to consider their own interest in advance[->first] instead of[->and then followed by] others['].

I think[In my view/In my opinion/Personally, I believe] the solutions to these problems lie with the government, [which means/by which I mean] they[the government?] need to be more aware of the future[potential 更好?] consequence of the bad social situation. First, the government should take measures to reduce the huge gap between the wealthy and the poor. For instance, the government is able to use tax to balance the gap of income in order to relieve the dissatisfaction of the lower income earners. Secondly, the reliabilities of the government should be improved to increase the efficiency of the regulation released by the authorities. Last but not least, the sense of communicating with others should be encouraged with an aim to make citizens understand each other [better] and [hence,] respect each other. [This is because] Research has proved that the understanding of each other can promote the awareness of the respect.

In conclusion, some factors contribute to these bad social behaviors, [such as ...]. [As a result/Therefore,] I am convinced that the government should take effective steps, [like ....], to resolve the problems.

感觉写的不错！还有些小问题：1. 有些地方语气过强，过于肯定 2. 连贯性和衔接方面还有需要改进的地方 3. 从句的写法有时候还是会有问题，如‘I think[In my view/In my opinion/Personally, I believe] the solutions to these problems lie with the governmen’这句的后面一句应该独立出来或当作从句来写

[]

fi927102 · 发表于 2011-3-11 11:57:00

In today’s world, it is private companies rather than government who pay for and carry out most on scientific research. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantage?

In modern society, should be attributes to an increasing number of investments in scientific research. But meanwhile, it is a highly contentious issue that whether government should shoulder more responsibilities on sponsoring and running these researches. I hold the viewpoint that humanity would benefit from the scientific researches operated by private companies.(your expression is odd and quite confusing. you should concentrate on the topic. In modern society, the innovation of new technology is often attribute to the investigation of private companies rather than that of the government. Nevertheless, though there is contentious discussion of whether the government should have more responsibility on this issue or the private investigation has more potential drawbacks, I tend to agree with the viewpoint that private funded scientific research have more benefits outweigh its drawbacks. )

(It is generally believed that business run by companies can benefit in amounts of favorable aspects.(this is not a topic sentense according to the following argument. you can delete it) To begin with, it is evident that the working efficiency of employees in private companies is much higher than the one’s that in governments. Most of us had the same experience that we would spend more time on matters related to government(confusing, the sentense has the same meaning to the former sentense, you 'd better cite an example). Moreover,However the business operated by company is able to be lead into a virtuous circulation through the commercial operation(confusing). The only aim of companies is to earn more money; therefore, they invest in researches with an aim to produce new products to occupy the market. And those new products are able to contribute to more profits. Once the companies attain considerable income, they would like to allocate money to another product. (It is hard to follew with your ideas. if you want a smooth discussion, you can start with a topic sentense, and take numerious examples to explain it. In this paragraph, you start with discussing efficient, then you should always concentate on this topic)

By contrast, the opponents may argue that companies would bring a tremendous number of undesirable perspectives( in terms of ^^^^). First, compared with government, the reliability of company is evidently lower than government. (compared with government, you should discuss the company instead of the reliability of the company)The result released by companies sometimes cannot be believed trusted by citizens; therefore, to a certain extent it reduces the effects of the researches. Secondly, the lack of supervision and fierce competitions result in harmful events. The aim of the corporation is to pursue interests; as a result, some of the irresponsible companies will use substandard products to replace the perfect one.

In conclusion, though there are some baneful respects on companies, I still think the merits of researches funded by companies outnumber the demerits.

OK, I have to say that you language is very confusing. Do not use Chinese lingustic customs. The essay is concerned with issue of "A benefits B" . so you 'd better prepare ten different sentenses in terms of this issue,"A benefits B", first. then, you will find you writing can be smoothly soon.

[]

vdhj4393 · 发表于 2011-3-11 23:34:43

楼主你现在写作绝对要开始掐时间了，因为45分钟写的水平和你现在写的作文的质量绝对不能比的，如果你最近的几篇作文都是在45分钟内完成的话你考试应该在5.5-6分之间，不然的话就需要多加强了~~
我之前练习的时候一般文章都是90分钟写一篇的，里面的替换词也用的很多，逻辑想的也很紧密，当时给老师看他们都觉得有机会7分，可是一上考场的时候根本没那么多时间给你去慢慢的想替换词，也没有时间去想你之前写的话和之后的一句之间的逻辑是否紧密，当那个时候会很紧张导致范很多错误，最终我那次考试只有5。5分，所以我建议必须要在考前把自己的写作时间狠掐。

eihks623 · 发表于 2011-3-12 01:02:38

yrqin,我太佩服你了, “I think[In my view/In my opinion/Personally, I believe] the solutions to these problems lie with the governmen’这句的后面一句应该独立出来或当作从句来写”,这句话是我背的考官作文中的句子,原文是”But I think the solution to the problem lies with the family, who need to be more aware of the future consequence of spoiling their children.” 这个who这里我老是背错.结果被你一眼就看了出来.
我对连贯性和衔接还是有点不太明白,这里主要是指句子间的过渡吧. 我看到评分标准里有这一项,但是我以为就是first, secondly之类的. 现在看来,你帮我加上的For example, Personally, I believe , This is because, As a result/Therefore 这些都算吧. 我的问题是这些什么时候应该加,什么时候不应该加呢.

[雅思杂谈] 为了第五次雅思,每天一篇作文求批改

个人中心