为了第五次雅思,每天一篇作文求批改

eihks623 · 发表于 2011-3-12 05:04:10

多谢提醒,我也是打算从周一开始就用铅笔手写,反正手里的铅笔很多(都5根了),这样坚持1个多有,考场的感觉应该就培养出来了吧.
我现在写的时候也是老是琢磨来琢磨去,感觉基础太不扎实了.

eihks623 · 发表于 2011-3-12 16:55:10

多谢你的评论,我现在对写作只能算是刚入门,前几天才在yrqin的指导下有了点概念,现在写的时候思路仍然不是很清晰,希望以后多加指点.

eihks623 · 发表于 2011-3-12 21:05:04

Writing 8 letter[2011.3.6]今天来封信You have applied a course to a college in Australia, but you still have not received the reply. Write a letter to state:
1. The details of the course;
2. Why you choose the course;
3. Why you need the reply soon

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to request your assistance to check my application of the course named Project Management which I applied 2 months ago. However, I did not receive the reply from you until now.

The main content of the course is about project management methodology in the field of computer science. It is consisted of time management, risk management and quality management and so on. Therefore, I think it is quite useful for me. As you know, I have been a project manager for 2 years. And now, the projects managed by me are increasingly bigger than before, as a result, I need to improve my ability of the project management. It is generally believed that the best school in the field of project management in Australia is your school, therefore, I hope I would have the opportunity to join into the best school.

I wish you could reply me within 7 days, because I have got another school’s offer. And I need to decide if I need accept that offer before next weekend. Personally, I really wish I can join into your school.

Yours sincerely,

David Luan

深圳小菜鸟一个 · 发表于 2011-3-12 21:51:18

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to request your assistance to check （ inquire） my application of the course named (Delete)Project Management . I (have submitted the applicantion) applied 2 months ago. However, I did not receive the reply from you until now.

The main content of(delete) The course is about project management methodology in the field of computer science. It is (,which) consisted (consists) of time management, risk management and quality management and so on. Therefore(delete), I think it is quite useful for me. As you know, (because) I have been a project manager for 2 years. And now, the projects managed by me are increasingly bigger(complex) than before, as a result, I need to improve my ability of the project management. It is generally believed that the best school in the field of project management in Australia is your school ( your school is the best one in this field), therefore, I hope I would have the opportunity to join into the best school (study in).

I wish you could reply me within 7 days, because I have got another school’s offer (to reply). (but your school is always my best choice) And( the uncertainty makes me hard to) to decide if (whether) I need accept that offer (or not) before next weekend. Personally, I really wish I can join into your school.(delete)

I am looking forward to your reply.(hearing from you soon)

georseJoydrot · 发表于 2011-3-13 09:14:16

你提到：‘这个who这里我老是背错’，说明你的基础语法还不过关。

连贯性和衔接是和句子间的过渡有关联。但是更看重的是句子与句子之间，段落和段落之间关系。那句子间的关系来说，一般有四种：
1. addition: 例如moreover, for example, firstly, secondly, in addition, ...
2. sequence: 例如initially, then, followed by, after that,...
3. cause & effect: 例如because, because of, as a result, consequently, ... 以及高级点的reduce, enlarge, ...
4. compare & contrast: 例如more, bigger, faster, by/in contrast, however, but, ...

当你对句子与句子间的关系比较清楚的时候，很多时候就需要用相关的连接词来明显的表现出这些关系来。
这很可能是雅思的一个重要考点：Coherence and Cohesion 方面的评分，连接词相关部分的评分标准如下：
5 makes inadequate,inaccurate or over-use of cohesive devices
6 uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical
7 uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use

这是5分到7分的连接词相关部分的要求。

如果你的行文很紧凑的话，大部分句子之间的关系应该都在这4类型关系里面，不然的话，你的行文就不够紧凑，逻辑上也就不会太通顺了。

ylmtkl · 发表于 2011-3-13 18:57:34

练习的时候，就得要‘琢磨来琢磨去,感觉基础太不扎实’，这样才能有所提高；反之，如果你觉得都很好写，一会就完成了，很可能什么都学不到。总之，有问题才有进步的方向和进步的动力。看不到问题才是最可怕的。

eihks623 · 发表于 2011-3-13 21:19:51

Wring 9[2011.3.7] 今晚是手写的,在40分钟内写完了,模拟考试环境
Air travel can only benefit the richest people in the world. The ordinary people can get no advantage with the development of air travel. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

The acceleration of aircraft technology has brought significant changes to our lives in recent years. While some people think the whole society benefit a great deal from the air travel, I hold the viewpoint that the merit of air travel benefited by ordinary is less than the drawbacks they received.

Admittedly, there are vast amounts of benefits for the human society with the invention of the plane. It is generally believed that trips taking plane can save tremendous amount of time. It is helpful for businessmen who often squeeze time to negotiate with their clients.
However, there are more unfavorable aspects brought by aircraft, especially for the poor. Firstly, airplane is about to produce a vast number of noise and result in serious air pollution. For the wealthy, they have well-decorated house and air-cleaner which can help them to reduce the effects of noise and air pollution. However, for the poor who still struggles to make a living, the condition of their living facilities is not good enough that they are exposed under these bad effects. Secondly, the development of the aircraft would contribute to unemployment. An increasing number of people prefer to travel by plane; therefore, the employees who work for other transportation, such as train and ship, would lose their jobs due to the decease of the customers, while the airline company need less employees.

In conclusion, though people benefit from the air travel, the ordinary people would benefit less than the wealthy. Because the poor has less opportunities to take plane and they also lack money to protect themselves from the noise and air pollution.

[]

二月水妖 · 发表于 2011-3-14 03:38:23

Air travel can only benefit the richest people in the world. The ordinary people can get no advantage with the development of air travel. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

你一定要学会分析题目。实在不行就翻译成中文仔细想想
这篇文章题目很极端，only， no advantage
显然，你写不同意要比写同意简单而且话题多，这样文章就不会那么没有逻辑，读起来更容易让人理解。

普通特务 · 发表于 2011-3-14 12:03:31

The acceleration of aircraft technology has brought significant changes to our lives in recent years.
航空技术加速？航空技术发展加速，或者简单的来说就是航空技术好了，主题和航空业发展和速度好像没有太多直接联系，你后文也未提及速度和你的分析之间有什么关联

hold the viewpoint that the merit of air travel benefited by ordinary is less than the drawbacks they received.
  我不知道这种好处比坏处的写法在英语里面是否允许，不过我觉得按照你后文的思路，直接写，穷人却步的不与此同忍受很多。

  第二段开头很大气，结果内容支撑太少了。就说了一个例子。感觉有点头重脚轻。

they have well-decorated house and air-cleaner which can help them to reduce the effects of noise and air pollution.
... which can protect them from noise and air pollution.  不过我觉得这个例子不是很适合啊，装修来减小噪音？从未听说过，空气清洁的机器用的人也很少吧。最常见的做法，别住在机场附近就好了嘛。这个事情，富人有选择，穷人没有。

An increasing number of people prefer to travel by plane; therefore, the employees who work for other transportation, 感觉有点别扭和不写为：
Since an increse number of people.....不要therefore了

看到LZ很多我自己的影子，为了表述复杂的富有逻辑的观点，而且不能太过罗嗦，句子的长度始终很难控制下来。糟糕的是当句子长度太长的时候，就非常容易犯错了。长句子确实可以写的非常生动优雅，但是考场上没有足够的时间来斟酌，所以最好就是写一些简单句。写简单句要写的漂亮也是一种能力吧，我曾经给VIP老师说，我没法用简单句表达我想要表的意思。。。。

以上意见仅供参考。。。。

wgt5372i · 发表于 2011-3-14 23:51:23

楼上的两位都给了不少中肯的意见了。

这篇作文确实写得跑题了。

Air travel can only benefit the richest people in the world. The ordinary people can get no advantage with the development of air travel. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

红色是这篇文章的话题，而蓝色是这篇文章要走的的方向（支持或反驳）。从题目看来，要反驳only和no这两个关键字。所以文章的重心应该放在ordinary people 如何benefit from the development of air travel。

举个例子，你可以说1.ordinary people 也可以支付得起机票，尤其是economy class。有时候还能买到特价机票，speical offer。2.ordinary people 也有Air travel的需求，如舒适，快捷等 3.Air travel可以提供越洋旅游的机会，增加见闻 4.Air travel可以促进国际贸易，带来丰富多彩的国际商品，ordinary people 可以拥有更多的购物选择。

这些都可以反驳题目的观点。至于要不要写让步段，如何写让步段，这个是比较次要的了。关键是要恰当回应题目，Task Response几乎可以说是最重要的评分项了。跑题了后果是很严重的。

[雅思杂谈] 为了第五次雅思,每天一篇作文求批改

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