每日一篇writing，求批改

王者归来后 · 发表于 2011-3-2 16:22:20

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题目是自己找的，先找了容易写的上手。

题目--是否应该学习英语

To learn or not to learn a foreign language is not a question because the answer of course is “yes”

Everybody lives on the world could have already felt that the world now is becoming smaller than before.  A lot of western companies have already opened the plants and offices in China while the world economic globalization.

The majority of these companies’ management is at least good at English and the software or mail systems are in English version.  As one employee in such a company, you have to master English well.  Otherwise, how could you take over the technical issue, how could you reply to your manager or how could you express your personal opinion?

Language is one communication tools in this situation. It is definitely have to be learn, the only question is how well that you could use it. On another side, to learn one language is also one method to learn or observe the outside world.  You could be familiar with the living and habit of the country that use the language you are learning.  And it would be helpful for you when you contact with your foreign colleague or manager.

No matter what, the foreign is at least one skill for you. The more you learn, the better for yourself.

王者归来后 · 发表于 2011-3-2 23:22:45

写信给博物馆，说丢了一个包。

编故事也是一种能力，向某些狗血编剧致敬！

Dear Madam or Sir,

   I am Jane M. and I have visited your museum yesterday afternoon and enjoyed happy hours.  I took shopping on yesterday morning, so I took the shopping bag with me during the whole visiting.  And I have to say sorry for my careless that I left the bag under the table in the lavatory.  At that time I was washing my daughter’s hand because she was not tall enough to reach the tap.  After that, I forgot to pick up the bag.
   It is a Barbie Girl in the shopping bag, and it would be the birthday gift for my daughter. She has been eager for this since last year. So is it convenient of you to help me check that my shopping bag is still over there or not.
   Thank you for your nice supporting and hope your reply soon

Your Sincerely
J M

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slfr7918 · 发表于 2011-3-3 05:02:47

首先，两篇文章的字数都不够，这是要背严重扣分的。
大作文字数在250以上，小作文是150。因为有时候作文中用到的字或词组会被认为无效单词，所以一般保守要写到270和170字左右。
例如very beautiful，中very可能会不被例入计算，因为beautiful本身就含有very的意思。还有文章中如果有和文章无关的句子也会被去掉。

小作文说真的很难，个人感觉比大作文还难，因为涵盖面实在太广，由于对英国文化缺少足够的了解，所以编出来的故事也走样，再说编故事还要有词汇量做基础，万一让你写封信抱怨你买的汽车、冰箱、空调甚至保险有问题，试想要准备多少相关的知识。。。
在短短20分钟里的确很难做到。

个人感觉雅思A类的小作文容易写得多。就是机械性的描述数字，顶多动点脑子想想关联内容，掌握了一点词汇就可以写得很好。强烈推荐。

看了你的大作文，说实话，改作文我不太在行，但感觉不像是学术性的文章。结构也比较混乱。建议多看看考官的范文，尝试去模仿。
学术性作文不会出现you,we，在表达自己观点是可以用I，前面加personally,提建议或者敏感话题尽量用语气弱化，might,would,could
文章中的段，意义要划分明确，最后一段总结时不要出现新的内容。

王者归来后 · 发表于 2011-3-3 12:17:11

thank a lot!

I am also feel there are some problems with my writing.

Firstly, it is how to extend the material that make the writing long enough.  In frank, it is difficult for me to organize words and sentence in Chinese becasue everything should be imagine by myself.

And for the longer writing,I still treat it as a longer writing.  The core meaning for this wirting, in my opinion, is one kind of article with point of view and enough evidence to support arguement . It is also quite strange for me.

What I have writed should be too plain and simle to be called as article.  I am also involved too much personal emotion.

I hope the more pratise could help find my shortage and improve in limited time.

[]

46gyhuhjh6 · 发表于 2011-3-3 22:09:35

Dear Madam or Sir,

   I am Jane M. and I have visited （表示一般过去，不要用完成时--have去掉）your museum yesterday afternoon and enjoyed happy hours.  I took shopping on yesterday morning, so I took the shopping bag with me during the whole visiting.（1 两个took显得用词比较紧，可以说went shopping和I am with the shopping bag during visiting; 2 so 有点低端了，可以尝试高级点的词汇）And I have to say sorry for my careless that I left the bag under the table in the lavatory. （1 And没有意义，可以去掉； 2 careless是形容词，你要加个名词在后面，比如behavior） At that time I was washing my daughter’s hand because she was not tall enough to reach the tap.（1 washing好像很残忍……用cleaning好像好点，这个我不确定……； 2 is）  After that, I forgot to pick up the bag.（最好加上when leaving）
   It is a Barbie Girl in the shopping bag, and it would be the birthday gift for my daughter. （1 最好告诉别人你开始描述bag的特征；2 There be句型；3 would be不够确定，这个是个肯定的事实，用it is就好，而且最好把其重要性写出来。）She has been eager for this since last year. （听起来很奇怪，She expected this gift for a long time, blabla...）So is it convenient of you to help me check that my shopping bag is still over there or not.  (最后一句很别扭……建议你重写。供你参考：It would be really appreciated if you can help to check whether my bag is still there and return to me if it is.最好再加上如何取包或者寄包的信息)
   Thank you for your nice supporting and hope your reply soon

Your Sincerely
J M

9m5y6ke44 · 发表于 2011-3-4 04:16:16

LZ……看了你的大作文之后……我也跟3L一样建议你先看下范文……

王者归来后 · 发表于 2011-3-4 05:52:18

高人一出手，就知有没有啊！！范文看也看过，就是还没有看进去。所以写出来的还是自己的一套东西
这个比so 高级的，我用therefore 可不可以啊？？

The last sentence is really much more smooth than which is done by meself.

王者归来后 · 发表于 2011-3-4 06:34:18

写信给朋友介绍新城市新学校。

Dear Jessie,

   How are you now? What time is it when you are reading this letter?
   It’s already midnight and I am still feeling so exciting because it is my first day stay in Sydney. I just left the airport 2 hours ago, and I am so lucky that I met my high school classmate on the air. Her husband picked up at the Sydney airport, therefore, I was invited to take their car to the hotel.  They immigrated here 3 years ago and already owned house and car in the downtown. They gave me a lot of information about living, working, education and so on.
   Here now it is summer, so hot. As you know, Australia is on the south hemisphere, so the season here is on contrary of which in China. Fortunately I prepared the right clothes, therefore, don’t worry about me any more.
   Tomorrow I will go to the language school for enrollment. This school is recommended by the agency and it is also quite well-known in the immigrant BBS. I think it would be a good choice. I hope that I could have a good beginning just as what you always said “a good beginning means a good ending.”
   Now I feel sleepy, so say goodbye to you.  Please take my regards to your family, too.

Your Sincerely,
Jane M

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q5jhyuuj1l · 发表于 2011-3-4 16:21:08

批改小作文建议最好贴完整的题目要求出来，因为G类小作文除了task response实在想不出有啥容易犯大错的地方，扣分扣多了八成都是题目要求哪一项没有覆盖进去。

书信是很容易的，比大作文容易很多。因为题目3条要求基本就列好了提纲，看清楚想跑也跑不到哪里去，然后日常书信也完全不需要起承转合，长句大词，把事儿说明白，注意下礼貌就行。至于生活场景，其实题目无非就是丢东西，迟到，请假，感谢之类，就算没出过国也大都是些身边常见的琐事，十之七八可能还是亲身经历过的（顶多换个地点，比如从筒子楼换到合租屋），所以也没太大必要刻意去编。

G类小作文都很少有人整理范文，其实也是这个道理。作文练习大作文还是大头。

王者归来后 · 发表于 2011-3-4 21:00:21

原来如此啊。

小作文感觉比较生活化一点，比较好上手。今天编剧做得就比昨天省力。晚上看看弄个大作文的做做。感觉要回到高考写议论去了，当年咋写的呢？？

[雅思杂谈] 每日一篇writing，求批改

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