每日一篇writing，求批改

三国恋 · 发表于 2011-3-5 08:33:29

王者归来后 · 发表于 2011-3-5 10:26:44

Some people believe that the charity organisations should give aid to those in greatest need，wherever they live. Some people believe that the charity organisations would better concentrate on helping people who live in own country instead. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There are 2 charity opinions in the society: to give the aid to those in greatest need whenever the live or to helping the people who live in own country prefer.
China Is still a developing country, and there are still a lot poor economic area in the western part while there are some metropolis located in eastern area, such as Shanghai, Beijing,. It is true that some countries may be much more poor developed and the people lived there really need some improvement. But only the support from the charity organizations is not enough for them to fully improving the whole society. What these countries should be done is developing their countries by themselves, such as strengthen the economy, apply the compulsory education to the children, make welfare system for the retired person, The aid from charity organisitons could solve some emergency case, but it worthless for the country long-tem devolpment.
Look back to China again that there are so many area could be supported. Some countrysides are lack of the primary education, some residents on the hill are lack of clean water supplier, and some areas far from city are lack of the hospital. These kind situation are more clear for us, and the communication would be more easier for the charity organizations. It would be have much influence for our country when the poor area improved.
I am really prefer that all the support should be given to our country, because our country is still not stronger enough for distribute too much source to the others. And further more, the more support would be given to the other, when our country grow up. There is a saying: take care my parents as well as the other’s . Therefore, it is clear that the most important is which near to you. The world would be improved a lot while all the support given to own country by every country.

keapmwldz · 发表于 2011-3-5 12:55:34

首先，你的齐头式应该每段之间空一行；我咋眼一看还以为你整篇文章只写了一段。。。。
楼主你的用词的合适性和语法问题我觉得还真是比较多的。。而且表达方式真的是非常的中式化，写作思路也非常有问题，结构也很不清晰，我个人觉得楼主还需要大大的加强not only in terms of grammar and vocabulary, but also in logical structure!!

许仙与白苏贞 · 发表于 2011-3-5 22:14:49

楼主在文章中使用的是中国为例子，这个是非常不对的，因为你必须从你自己的角度说出自己的观点，不能因为你是中国人，不能根据中国的国情来说你的观点。如果你认为慈善机构应该重点帮助自己国家人民的话，就给出理由，理由可以说1.国家人民会感激本国政府或机构帮助，可以提高提高这些机构在本国人民中的知名度并可能因此获得更多的社会各级的支持；2.重点关注本国人民还能帮助本国政府解决一部分的经济问题以及关心一些政府暂时还未关注到的弱势人群，可以减轻一些本国政府的负担。
由于题目说Discuss both views and give your opinion。所以还必须写到另外那个观点。
先说理由（让步）：慈善组织帮助世界任何地点那些最需要帮助的人可以为那些组织所属国带来国际舆论的赞扬，还可以提高和世界各国慈善组织的互动（就是互相帮助），但是（必须反驳）：应该先关注国内人民的困难；理由：如果连国内人民都生活在水生火热之中的话还谈什么帮助其他国家的人啊。
最后结尾再重申下自己的观点。

王者归来后 · 发表于 2011-3-6 03:24:13

说实话，我写的时候，脑袋里就一个字，蹙！
一边写一边说自己，哪能噶~~~蹙，从头蹙到底。

hshsh99 · 发表于 2011-3-6 03:48:01

你多看看范文，最好能背一些范文，顺便问下，楼主你要多少成绩？？

一生爱宠物001 · 发表于 2011-3-6 13:54:13

该说的问题楼上都说了，不切题（漏了一半），中式思维，逻辑不清，用词错误等等。
不过拿China做例子是没有问题的，我考试的时候就说了一堆China...
LZ的问题是这个China跳出来太突兀，本来是个没有地方色彩的话题好像默认就是在谈中国一样，前面来一句For example in my country China,... 都会好很多
换句话说就是，第一段和第二段之间没有明确的连接词，又没有自然的逻辑过度，这种在连贯性上会丢很多分
至于思路的问题，我觉得很多时候作文写不好，不是因为英语不好，就是用母语思考这个话题，也未必真的考虑清楚了。

i8ze2s60 · 发表于 2011-3-6 18:07:06

哇！！7分的作文成绩耶，LS的真是高手~~:

Nawncreesse · 发表于 2011-3-7 03:47:51

本来想帮LZ改的，但是发现LZ还没有意识到怎么写好大作文。。。

如果是中文会怎么写呢？

开头第一段：把题目换个方式表达一遍。注意一定要换方式，不能照抄原文。

第二第三段：题目问你是捐钱给最需要的人好，还是捐给自己国家的人好。LZ基本上属于完全跑题的。。。就算你要说we should donate to China, 也要首先阐明China确实是最需要的国家。

建议：第二段先表观点，From my own point of view, the donation should go to those who need it most. 然后一层两层三层堆例子和进一步观点

第三段就可以承接下来，说When mentioning the poorest country in the world, most of the times we think of countries in Africa. I admit that their living standards are low on average. But talking about the people who suffer the most, there is no doubt that those people are in China.
这样一来就可以比较自然的讲LZ顺手的China了。然后就可以进一步讲大家应该donate到中国。

第四段结尾就可以简洁明了了： In summary, I personally am for the opinion that charity donations need to go to the needy, wherever they reside. A heart filled with love and willing to assist should never be restrained by the country border. Furthermore, as I have depicted the current situation in China above, we should add China to the most-needy list, and call for help around the world.

随便涂了几笔，希望对LZ有帮助。最后提醒，雅思要多举例子使行文充实，编出来的例子也可以，多多益善。

王者归来后 · 发表于 2011-3-7 12:11:01

Everyone should stay in school until they reach the age of 18. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Somebody think the all the person should stay in school until 18 years old. It is really a good suggestion to help the education. The age before 18 is the best period in everyone’s life, young, vigorous and fast learning, even if there are some complaints for heavy homework during learning.

The young students could acquire sufficient knowledge in the school which would be used in the future work and life. The primary knowledge is the cornerstone of everything, and it decides the average education level of the whole society which would lead to the science and technology development.

In the past, a lot of students were so poor that could not continue their leaning that go to work when teenage. At that time, the work offered did not have too much high requirement, just basic mathematics and reading. But now, the rapid development of science and technology, it is general for an operator knew a lot of major knowledge. The young winder in my owner company, are the student who know reading drawing, the theory of the machine running process and the production quality requirement， Otherwise，the worker could not get the job.

And then，the education is more emphasized, therefore, it is looked as one criterion that the student is more smart and excellent if he takes more education. The students are considered to be lack of wisdom while they try to find a job. It is not fully right but it is already a social phenomenon which could not be revised in short time. So it should be better for the students take 18years.

In conclusion, the education pay the key role on one person life, the more he learn from school, the better he job and life he could gain.

[雅思杂谈] 每日一篇writing，求批改

个人中心