求批改，作文，6分

2747575360 · 发表于 2011-7-5 05:18:10

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每次都在作文上差0.5分，希望能得到大家的帮助，7月9号考试能突破6分。

what are the cause of water scarcity? solution?

Today's society has achieved unprecedented level in terms of economy and technology, meanwhile there are many environmental problem come along, the shortage of water should be the most noticeable one. In this essay I will intend to delve into the reasons of water scarcity and explore the relevant solutions to solve this problem.

Obviously, the reasons which cause the water problem are diverse. First, the explosion of population contributes a large amount of demanding of water. In order to meet the increasing requirement of water in big cities for feeding the residents, more and more water has been pumped from rivers, lakes and underground. Consequently, it leads to water shortage in such areas. In addition, too much industrial effluent has been let into nature and rendered the water polluted. It is the fact that many factories refused to process the effluent before letting it out as they could save much money from it and hence gain more profits. Furthermore, excessive deforestation also leads to water problem because it causes climate change which would definitely influence the way of water circulation of the nature profoundly.

Several measures can be taken to address the problem. The government should financially support more media to publicize the hazards of water shortage, thereby raising the public awareness of water conservation, and avoiding abusing of water. Moreover, the authorities should issue more strict rules and regulations to prohibit the water pollution from manufacturing and other industries which pose threat to the natural environment.

In conclusion, water protection is on priority in our modern society, we have to take more efforts to deter the deterioration of the situation.

芒果诱惑 · 发表于 2011-7-5 11:24:38

我的英语也不好，不敢给LZ瞎出主意。不过我觉得在字数上LZ可以再多写一些。高分作文不只对内容有要求，对字数也有一定要求的，LZ如果能多些一些的话，说不定就能有着0.5分了。

to94ll00 · 发表于 2011-7-5 16:06:12

我也是瞎建议，就算是死马当做活马医吧。
祝LZ这次考试顺利通过。

oacc1561 · 发表于 2011-7-5 20:03:29

大概改了一下，有几处LZ词性掌握的不对，比如demand可以做名词，不用用demanding。
还有些用词不准确，比如requirement是要求，你的意思是需求，但又不想用demand，所以用need。
其他我就没改了，就是把你的原句的语法改了下，应该我改的也有错的，请大家指教。

Contemporary society has achieved unprecedented development in domains of economy and technology, yet there are many environmental issues coming along. While the shortage of water could be the most critical one. In this essay, I intend to delve into the cause of water scarcity and then discuss the relevant solutions of this problem.

Frankly, the reason for water shortage is various. Firstly, population explosion contributes a large demand of water. Too much water has been pumped out from rivers, lakes and underground in order to meet increasing need of water in a large city. Consequently, it leads to water shortage in such area. Additionally, too much industrial effluent has been poured into nature, which causes water pollution. Moreover, many factories refused to process the effluent before pouring it out, because they can save much money from this. Last but not least, excessive deforestation could also be concerned as another factor of water problem， because it causes climate change which will definitely influence the water circulation.

Several measures could be taken to address this problem. The government should provide finance support to media in order to publicise the hazards of water shortage, thereby raising the public awareness of water conservation, and avoiding water waste. Moreover, the authorities should issue more strict regulation to prohibit manufacturer and industries to pollute water.

In conclusion, water protection is a priority task in our modern society, we have to take more efforts to deter the deterioration of the situation.

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2747575360 · 发表于 2011-7-5 20:58:03

谢谢~！再接再厉

百合茶 · 发表于 2011-7-6 07:08:33

LZ 的文章具有 5.5 考生的特点。。都有一个很突出的通病。议论文“结构不规范”。

扫了一眼，就跟咱们 “新格咪咪” 刚开始求助时的文章很类似。建议LZ 参考一下过去的帖子。

割肉隔日 · 发表于 2011-7-6 15:34:42

感觉模板味道太浓

acno1397 · 发表于 2011-7-6 21:08:42

感觉LZ语法存在一些错误，简单指出一些，如何修改不敢随便给出意见。
1. there are many environmental problem come along
2. I will intend to
3. for feeding the residents

我觉得很多词汇楼组使用的都不够地道，感觉楼主在根据汉语的说法进行翻译。
给楼主一点建议：建议楼主背诵各个话题的常用短语，这样在写作的时候就可以减少不当的词汇了。而且可以提高速度。

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阴沟里帆船 · 发表于 2011-7-7 05:35:21

在不改动框架和论点的前提下，随便改改，请大家莫要见笑哦

Today's society has achieved unprecedented progression in terms of economy and technology, meanwhile the development attended by many environmental problems. The scarcity of water should be the most remarkable one. In this essay I will elaborate on the reasons of water deficit and afford the relevant solutions which is likely to combat this problem.

Apparently, the reasons which result in the water problem are various. Firstly, the population booming contributes greatly to the demand of water resource. In order to accommodate with the increasing requirement of water supply in big cities, more and more water has been pumped from rivers, lakes and underground. Consequently, it leads to water shortage in such areas. In addition, excessive industrial sewage has been discharged into nature and rendered the water polluted. It is the fact that many factories refused to process the sewage before discharge for the purpose of curtailing relevant costs, thereby gaining more profits. Furthermore, deforestation and other humanity activities also deteriorate water problem since these activities definitely intervene the natural process of water circulation witch originally make water distribute homogeneously all round the world.

Several measures can be adopted to address the problem. The government should subsidise more media to raise public awareness of the issue surrounding water scarcity, thereby drawing the public attention towards water conservation, and avoiding exploiting water resource. Moreover, the authorities should legislate more stringent laws and utilize harsh actions to punish companies who drain excessive polluted water.

In conclusion, water protection should be put in first priority of government's and public concern in our contemporary society, we have to take more efforts to curb the deterioration of the situation.

我改的里面肯定也有很多错，请大家一定指正哦

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8m0916n7 · 发表于 2011-7-7 11:45:29

1 字数不够哦
2 用词太大了，词语的搭配有点问题
3 您的小作文呢？写的如何?

[雅思杂谈] 求批改，作文，6分

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