大作文，求批，也求批评，希望给出改进建议

Bushassug · 发表于 2011-6-5 18:31:25

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Question: In some big cities, high crime rate is a controversial issue for the governments as well as the citizens. The best way to coping with problems is to confine those criminals into prison for a long period of time. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

As a person living in Beijing, it is always the case that I hear about the news about crimes, which happed in rural areas like Changping district and Daxing district, where lots of immigrants accommodate. Some people say that the best way to address this phenomenon would be sending these criminals who involved in illegal activities into prison. Whether this kind of action do really take into effect, I am not sure.

Confining some criminals into prisons is an effective way to some extend. By this means, these people who have the wrong things are confined and definitely they can not do further illegal things that threaten the whole society. What’ more, those people who want to commit crimes may be frightened and they don’t dare to do illegal things further.

Whereas, considering the fact that the crime rate in big cities are so high that it is impossible for the policeman to put all criminals into prison, even they have done so, the current prison system can’t afford to provide efficient accommodations to these criminals and definitely the public funding spent on these confined prisoners would increase, actually those kind of money should be spent on other fields, such as health case, education and so on.

In my own opinion, what should stand in the way of solving the problems turned out to be making a thorough and complete assessment of what are the main reasons behind the illegal activities and then make appropriate measures to solve them. As we all aware that high employment rate is not all but one field that contributes to the continued high crime rate. In this case, if government spend more time and money on creating and providing working opportunities instead of confining unemployment workers who have submitted crimes, the result will be more optimistic and the government will receive more supports than criticism.

The final point I want to mention is that confiding the criminals is not the only and best way to deal with illegal activities, whereas, addressing the problem behind the crimes may be a more effective way to solve the criminals in a long way.

鼻川x32 · 发表于 2011-6-6 06:31:14

不知道楼主是第一次考雅思还是已经考过。其实我也考了几次才最终把写作搞定的，而且其中走了很多弯路。如果想短期提高写作，我经验是：
1. 一定要找老外来改，最好是前考官，这点非常重要。前考官给你的建议都是应试的，效果非常明显。
2. 不要写太多作文，要针对几篇不同类型的，使劲推敲，知道满意。
3. 要固定写作的模式。甚至是句式。这些固定的东西最好让老外改过，要地道，别准备太多，就一个模板，背熟，什么题材都往上套，套几篇就熟悉了。

切忌不要free style的写文章，我觉得这种free style很能提高写作水平，但是短期内很难提高成绩。

一点点小建议，希望对您有帮助，不对的还请大家指正。。。可千万别误导了楼主，，，：）

Blooxybib · 发表于 2011-6-6 09:49:54

同楼上的
目标是7分，最好找老外批改作文
目标如果是6分的话，买本十天好好看看，精心准备几个模板

Bushassug · 发表于 2011-6-6 16:19:49

谢谢楼上的建议，我考过三次Ielts了，一次6分，一次6.5，一次5.5；
我觉得现在的问题就是找不出问题所在，所以成绩一直在徘徊；
6.11日就考试了，谁能帮忙批改，或者推荐一些人帮忙批改，楼上说得考官老外是最好不过了？
先谢谢各位了！！！

qpla8718 · 发表于 2011-6-6 16:51:08

淘宝上有很多批改作文的，是不是老外不知道，没试过
口语对练的也有不少

Bushassug · 发表于 2011-6-6 19:38:23

谢谢楼上。。。

frkdxbpywu98 · 发表于 2011-6-6 20:16:14

你在淘宝或百度搜一下Online language。里边的口语和写作都挺好的。别外我决的模板不能多，一个足够了，用好是关键。

oacc1561 · 发表于 2011-6-7 02:20:32

我觉得LZ遣词造句的能力很强啊
要说其他的，我比较同意2楼的~~free style比较难写的，我觉得每一段还是先写一个topic sentence,再写几句supporting。下一段也一样。这样又好写，又容易看懂~~
crystal有一篇雅思经验很有启发的，可以看看http://www.freeoz.biz/ibbs/viewt ... p%3Bfilter%3Ddigest

btw，看你的作文有点像看雅思阅读，最长的一句话竟然有4行。。。

qq骑着蚂蚁长征 · 发表于 2011-6-7 05:57:20

題目：Today more people are travelling than ever before.
Why is this the case?
What are the benefits of travelling for traveler?

Nowadays, the number of people who are travelling is increasing. The reasons underlying this phenomenon and the benefits of travelling will be explored in this article.
Firstly, productivity is continually enhanced. The advancement of information technology has boosted the productivity of all people. For instance, the internet allows people to complete tremendous amount of tasks efficiently and effectively. Buyers can now search and purchase materials, tools, as well as equipment, on the World Wide Web. Documents can be sent through the internet from China to Australia in just few seconds. Therefore, people no longer need to wait a long time to receive the paper. Then we can have much more time to engage in leisure activities such as travelling.
Secondly, transportation cost is drastically reduced. The fare is fantastically lowered due to the fierce competition in transportation industry, especially the aviation industry. Thus, a vast amount of people can afford a journey now.
What are the benefits that attracting people to do travelling?
Stress can definitely be relieved. Our society is full of fierce competition. In order to secure a seat in a company, we not only have to totally devote ourselves to the works, but have to complete our jobs with the highest possible qualities also. In this kind of environment, people bear extremely heavy burdens. By taking a trip to other places, we can temporarily leave the burdens and enjoy all the stuffs and services in our journeys. Stress can thus be relieved.
Enjoying different kinds of delicious food is one of the benefits too. For example, when travelling to the melting pot, Hong Kong, we can try cuisines in different styles like Japanese, Korean, and French, to name a few. If one loves wonderful food, travelling does help.
In sum, due to the improved productivity and low transportation cost, more and more people can now afford a journey and grasp the excellent benefits.

[]

胡文华188 · 发表于 2011-6-7 12:10:57

说说我的看法。只说不好的，别介意哈，我也在准备这个题。
第二段开头不好。这不是直接原因。应该把最后一句提到段首。On a simplistic level, people now have more leisure time and disposal incomes.
当然整个第二段，除了最后一句话其实都写得跟主题没关系。
直接用Firstly, secondly这样的连接不能加分的。In addition, the cost of travelling is affordable to more people.
上面很多都是模仿范文的，见笑啦。

[雅思杂谈] 大作文，求批，也求批评，希望给出改进建议

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