写作看不到进步，发两篇作文，麻烦3wu老师等帮忙看看指导一下

yxop5825 · 发表于 2011-5-9 08:08:59

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Topic: It is generally believed that some people are born withcertain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However,it is s child can sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become agood sports person or musician.

Discuss both these views and give your own opionion.

The issue of whether certain talents such as sport or music are inborn or nurtured has sparked off an intense debate. Although some people argued that everyonecan become excellent in sports or music if properly trained, regardless oftheir nature conditions. I personally believe only those with nature gifts have the possibility to be successful in the specific fields of sports or music.

To begin with, it is manifest that everyone is born different physically and psychologically due to the programming of DNA, which leads to the fact that some people are genetically superior in certain areas while others are not.That those taller parents are more likely to have taller children is a good case in point. Similarly, children whose parents are musicians tend to perform better in singing or instruments playing than others. Hence, nature talent does exist.

Furthermore,specific fields like sports or music necessitate varied body conditions,thereby to some extent enabling gifted individuals more easily to attain success. Specifically, evidence abounds in the respect that tall basketball players with quick response ability and flexible moving skills are more likely to perform well in a team than their short counterparts. Besides, according to a survey conducted by Chinese Sports Association, more than 95% basketball professionals are over 1.80 metres tall. Therefore, it is evident that talents play a pivotal role in achieving success in certain arena of music and sports.

Admittedly, individuals would not succeed merely by talents. Gifted individuals, if not scientifically trained, turned out to be mean. Only through hardworking does talented peoples’ potential be exploited and developed, thereby contributing to their future success.

To conclude, I concede that training plays a positive role in becoming a good sports person or musician. Nevertheless, I am convinced that talents should not be neglected due to the existence of genes and specific requirements of varied fields such as sports and music.

Topic: Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

The issue of whether there should be fixed punishments or flexible ones has sparked off an intense debate in the realm of legal system. From my perspective, it would be a fair and practicable means of crime punishment, if apply flexibility within certain fixed range of punishment for each type of crime.

Obviously, advocates of fixed penalty raise this opinion based on the fundamental principle of justice. The absence of unifying and equal punishments for crime,more often than not, is likely to cause an increasing number of corruptions and even a devastating disaster of the legal system. Given the free decision power of crime penalty, judges and jury are exposed to various temptations which aim to lure them to make biased conclusions. And this, in turn, would destroy the public belief in legal society.

On the other hand, opponents argue that it would be unfair to apply fixed penalty as every individual crime has different motivation and exerts varied-degree influence even though they are classified into the same crime group. Take an extreme case for example. If a hungry mother who has stolen a piece of bread for her dying child for the first time were punished as severely as a repeated theft, it would be unconvincing for the public to understand.

To conclude, from my perspective, I believe a perfect way to solve this dilemma is to combine these two approaches. In other words, it means to build a legal system which limits the punishments level in a fixed range for each type of crime while within the range, flexible punishment degree is permitted depending on the factors such as motivation of crime.

[]

rwehua5279 · 发表于 2011-5-9 11:52:32

不好意思最近比较忙，偷空来FreeOZ 透气的时候。帖子却沉了没看见。

先顶起来，让大家一起来修改吧。回头再给你看。但偷偷看了看前面两段。感觉语法不太顺畅。

likesolitude · 发表于 2011-5-9 16:29:17

The issue of whethercertain talents such as sport or music are inborn or nurtured has sparked offan intense debate. Although some people argued[argue] that everyone[?every child (I think the topic is about children)] can become excellent in sports or music if properly trained,regardless of their nature [natural] conditions. I personallybelieve [that] only those with nature [natural/inborn/inherent] gifts havethe possibility [are likely] to be successful in specific fieldsof sports or music.

To begin with, it is manifest that everyone[I think “every people” is better. “everyone” is pronoun, not a noun] is born different physically and psychologically due to the programming of DNA [? his DNA], whichleads to the fact that some people are genetically superior in certain areaswhile others are not.[which makes him genetically superior to the others incertain areas.] That those taller parents are more likely to have tallerchildren is a good case in point. Similarly, children whose parents are musicianstend to perform better in singing or instruments playing than others. Hence, nature[natural] talent does exist.
Furthermore, specific fields like sports ormusic necessitate varied body conditions, thereby to some extent enablinggifted individuals more easily to attain success. Specifically, evidenceabounds in the respect that tall basketball players with quick response abilityand flexible moving skills are more likely to perform well in a team than theirshort counterparts. Besides, according to a survey conducted by Chinese SportsAssociation, more than 95% basketball professionals are over 1.80 metres[metre (use singular before noun)] tall. Therefore, it is evident that talentsplay a pivotal role in achieving success in certain arena of music and sports. Admittedly, individuals would not succeed merelyby talents. Gifted individuals, if not scientifically trained, turned [mightturn] out to be mean [do you mean “common”? I think “be mean” means “bebad, be stingy”]. Only through hardworking does talented peoples’[people’s (people is plural)] potential be exploited and developed, therebycontributing to their future success. [I didn’t get what you want to say inthis sentence (from “Only through …”)]

To conclude, I concede that training plays apositive role in becoming a good sports person or musician. Nevertheless, I amconvinced [? I think you should convince the reader, but not be convinced by someone] that talents should not be neglected due to the existence of genesand specific requirements of varied [different (I think “varied” means “changed”but not “several different types of”)] fields such as sports and music. （Sorry, I got a headache! I have no idea what your point is.）

Comments
1. I think you used toomany conjunctions and they caused too many unnecessary pauses between sentences.In my opinion, if the logic is clear, noneed to use a conjunction. We use conjunctions to avoid confusing or to remind the readers the logical relationship between long sentences.

2. I feel you try tomake every sentence complex and stuff too many grammar tricks into it. This made me feel very tired after reading your essay. Try to use some simplesentences.

3. I think you can tryto use some simple adjectives, such as “different” instead of “varied”. Usingadjectives and adverbs accurately is very difficult. For our non-nativespeakers, common adjectives can avoid many misleading risks.

4. Personally, I don’tthink this essay is funny and the same meaning is almost repeated three times. Icannot say it digressed but I cannot find out you discussed the “both theseviews” neither.

Suggestion:
First, makethe essay easily to be read and let the reader feel it funny.
Second, avoidgrammar and adjective/adverb mistakes or misleading.
Third, if confident, brushsome sentences with your tricks and insert some necessary conjunctions to make your logicstrong.

Hope this will help.

[]

87gyhupwn7 · 发表于 2011-5-10 03:26:06

LZ 如果这是你花了 1个小时挤出来的文章。我想你临场考试最大的毛病是

1。语法，不一一列举，这里只选例句其他自己再看看是不是存在这些问题，予以改正：

A。长句可以用，但特别特别要注意每一个小修饰句的 “主语” 是什么，考虑一下你自己的文章，每个修饰语都有相对应的主语么？主语都是什么？  It 可不是万能的主语。。用得不好，你的句子就变得语无伦次。尤其是复合句中，修饰从句的主语若跟主句的主语不一致，一定要给出相应主语，不能省略。

Although some people argued that everyone can become excellent in sports or music if [主语是什么？被动还是主动？] properly trained, regardless of their nature conditions

B。复杂句能用而且句式要多变。可是尽量不要使用嵌套多于 2层。

To begin with [ 这个开头很别扭，应该是没见过native 用这个不完整的adv 开头的], it is manifest that everyone is born different physically and psychologically due to the programming of DNA, which leads to the fact that some people are genetically superior in certain areas while others are not. 这个句子很冗长。主要原因是你套了太多层从句了。 e.g.  DNA from everyone is unique， which determine the distinctive formation of  inborn talent of each individual. Some people may be genetically superior to [the] others physically and psychologically.  注意了，别忘了对照的时候，很多时候都要用 [the]  others。另外 while  后面的就是另外一个句子了，所以 while 前面要用分号 [；]

2。行文结构
其实你的基本结构还是可以的。只是你的中心并不是直接给出，你很喜欢把段落的第一句写得很长，修饰很多。可是根本就没必要。说不完，第二句可以拓展的嘛。关键是把核心词在段落第一句点出来就好了。要是你是考官，你本来就很累，你觉得他会喜欢观点简单明了的还是喜欢看盒子装盒子的精品观点？例子请看上面那一句关于 DNA 的提出, 我建议把关键的 “名次” （注意是有代表性的名次放在句首靠前的位置）。你还需要知道什么地方使用什么 “7分大词”

3。你另外一个很致命的问题是虎头蛇尾。反面的观点往往不能好好展开，或者说服力不强。第一篇比第二篇稍好。

第二篇的第一个观点，实在太牵强了。或者你没有把他们的关系解释清楚。贪污腐败跟判刑不分等级有什么关系？相反，难道不是不分boundary  的判刑才更容易导致司法不公么？

第二篇第二个观点。给人感觉：还没有说完吧，没有段内归纳。

文章总体感觉：看完以后没有让人留下 bullet point 的印象。说明你的行文观点还不够突出，辩论不够充分。最理想的是：结尾能使用 "不重复的" 关键词来 remind  读者，你都提到过什么了。这点需要考生积累和灵活运用多边词汇  词性，也就是所谓的7 分大词。

yxop5825 · 发表于 2011-5-10 08:33:38

超感谢，这么认真的帮我改

这些问题别人不说，自己真的看不出来。我在写作上花的时间和精力最多，却一直没有进步，说实话是有点灰心了，觉得自己肯定走到死胡同里去了。

这两篇文章我写完都是自己改过的，却还是有不少语法错误和用词不当。不过，就像你说的，比这更严重的问题是我企图用太多的复杂句和堆砌连词了。估计是我看的作文书太多了，所以有点走极端了，总想着要套一些高分句型高分词汇，最好再用上虚拟倒装什么的。。。

谢谢

yxop5825 · 发表于 2011-5-10 18:54:30

Gifted individuals, if not scientifically trained, turned [mightturn] out to be mean [do you mean “common”? I think “be mean” means “bebad, be stingy”]. Only through hardworking does talented peoples’[people’s (people is plural)] potential be exploited and developed, therebycontributing to their future success. [I didn’t get what you want to say inthis sentence (from “Only through …”)]

恩，我想说的是他们最后可能成为”平庸“的人，用mean不对哦~~
后面那句我是想说，只有通过艰苦的努力，那些有天赋的人才能有效的开发和发展他们的潜能，从而取得成功。（这里我想用倒装句，因为我以为倒装句会比较高分）

yxop5825 · 发表于 2011-5-11 05:17:34

o(∩_∩)o...现在回头再看自己写的那些句子，真的非常BT啊。。。简直不是给人看的~~

1.你帮我改的那句范例非常有启发，我想我大概明白是什么意思了。（回头我自己再把其他的改好）主语一致的也明白了
2.行文结构：这里是说每一段的topic sentence要用简单句，是吧？
3.我想表达的是，如果法官们有判刑多少的自由裁量权的话，那么罪犯可能就会贿赂法官请求轻判，如果这种现象很普遍的话，公众就会对司法公正没有信心了。不过我又看了一遍，我整段写的上述的这个意思确实不能支持我这一段的主题句，即：固定刑罚是建立在公正的基础上。我觉得可能应该改写主题句。

3WU老师，谢谢你。不然我自己闭门造车，只能重复一些自己不好的写作习惯而已。

r622cp10q · 发表于 2011-5-11 05:41:26

段首主题句，不一定是简单句。但必须在靠前的位置上用一个有代表性的名词点出正段要围绕的内容。属于画龙点睛。句子最好不要太冗长，短小精悍为佳---这里突出的正是你7分的水平。语言运用得好的，很短一句话内就能看出水平。句式可多变，你要是运用熟练，甚至可以使用倒装--但无论用什么结构，这一句一定要是正确。要是这一句语法，单词拼写等出现问题，直接就给文章留下不良印象，哪怕后面层层递进得有多好。另外手段句勾画的是主题（观点的阐述可以在后面1-2 句内层层递进地拓展开来）。

我认为让人看得舒服的，层层递进结构的，段落应该包含：
1 主题（段内中心）句。 2。1-2 句围绕中心句的阐述句 3。例子。 4 例子解释。5 归纳。

yxop5825 · 发表于 2011-5-11 07:43:05

恩，之前我一直觉得主题句应该把这段的意思基本都总结到。现在看来主题句就提出观点，后面展开论证就好。
下次照你的段落结构试试写一篇。

3WU，你的写作是怎么练出来了啊？

yxop5825 · 发表于 2011-5-11 18:44:07

今天我写了一篇，贴上来麻烦大家再帮我看看~~非常感谢！刚才我自己又看了一遍，觉得会比自己之前写的好一些，不过又臭又长的句子还是有好多句，写作大概注定是我进步最慢的部分了~~

Topic: Some people think government should ban dangerous sports, others, however, believe that people should have the freedom to do whatever sports they choose. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Nowadays, an increasing number of people begin to take part in dangerous sports and some of them even have lost their lives in these sports. Whether governments should forbid people playing such sports has sparked off an intense debate. Personally, I am against banning them.

Some people argue that governments ought to ban dangerous sports because they might harm people’s health and even threaten their lives. However, any sports risks can be controlled within an acceptable range if people are well-acquainted with related skills and sports rules. For instance, with adequate knowledge and training, scuba divers can surely enjoy a safe dive under the sea. Conversely, when people do not follow the instructions, yoga, though considered quite safe, could easily cause harms to muscles and bones. Hence, what people should do is to control the risks of sports, rather than to simply abandon them.

In addition, prohibition of so called “dangerous sports” would prevent people from enjoying some beautiful nature. By this I mean, people will certainly not die from some dangerous sports because they never play them. However, they also lose the opportunity to experience more and broaden their horizons, which is doubtless an important part of life. For example, people who are not allowed to scuba dive cannot enjoy how splendid and tranquil the submarine world is. Likewise, people cannot feel the grandeur of mountain if they do not climb it at all. Therefore, the merits of such sports should not be neglected.

Last but not least, the assumption that governments have the right to decide which sports for people to participate in has some problems. Modern governments do not have unlimited rights or responsibilities. Rather, they have to leave the personal choices to individuals themselves to decide since they have the freedom to do so. Admittedly, governments could give some suggestions and instructions in terms of sports safety; however, these should not be compulsory.

To conclude, people should be allowed to play whatever sports they like regardless of the sports type.

[雅思杂谈] 写作看不到进步，发两篇作文，麻烦3wu老师等帮忙看看指导一下

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